[UPDATE] My friend asked me to dress badly to her bf’s party?

Ellen Andrade Hours
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A casual night out turned into a friendship’s unraveling, as a 29-year-old woman navigates the fallout of a painful revelation. Initially sidelined by her friend Kate’s demand to “dress frumpy” for Kate’s boyfriend Jamie’s 30th birthday party, she now faces a deeper wound: Jamie’s drunken confession that he pursued Kate only after deeming the woman “out of his league.” For those who want to read the previous part: AITA for refusing to go to my friend’s bf’s party after she demanded to approve my outfit?

The sting of betrayal lingers as Kate grapples with her shattered self-worth and the woman reconsiders her role in their fractured circle. Jamie’s halted proposal plans and the woman’s final decision to skip the party cast a shadow over what should have been a celebration. Readers are left wondering: can trust ever be rebuilt after such a raw betrayal?

‘[UPDATE] My friend asked me to dress badly to her bf’s party?’

First of all, thank to everyone for the advice. Most responses were not what I was expecting and really gave me a lot to think about. As surprised as I was that so many people said to tell Jamie, I did realise it was the right thing to do. So, I texted him and told him that Kate was insisting I dressed a certain way. Jamie called and explained.

A couple of months ago, Jamie and Kate were out with a few of his friends (these same friends that I mentioned in my comments are not fond of Kate), and everyone had had a lot to drink. They were talking about how they met their SOs, and the story of Jamie and Kate meeting came up.

Apparently during the telling of the story Kate asked Jamie why he had decided to hit on her rather than me, and one of his friends joked that it was because he knew he didn't have a shot with 'the hot one' - me. Kate asked if this was true, and Jamie having had WAY too much to drink, explained in a way that made it sound kind of true.

He said he did notice me that night and thought I was attractive, just seeing me. He said he would never have approached me because he knew he would never have a chance with someone like me, so in that way, his friend was right. He said that speaking to Kate was the absolute best outcome because he loves her and plans on spending the rest of his life with her,

but even knowing this, Kate has taken this extremely hard, and even though she says she is over it, he's noticed changes in her behaviour that seem to be related to that. He also admitted that he'd been planning to propose to Kate at the party and that is why he'd wanted me to be there,

but after hearing this on top of the way she has been handling the situation previously, he won't be doing that anymore. After speaking to Jamie, I called Kate. She admitted that she had tied a lot of her self worth in the fact that she'd finally been picked over me and now it felt like that wasn't true.

She apologised for trying to solve her insecurities through me, but also said she wasn't sure she would be able to have me in her life as much as I had been with the way she's been feeling. As hurt as I was, I said I understood. She said she still wanted me to come to the party,

since I'd helped organise it and she obviously dropped the absurd dress code, so I will be going to the party. I trust that Kate will communicate her boundaries to Jamie but I don't plan on inviting him to any more events for the foreseeable future.

I'm really sad that I've probably lost a longtime friend over the drunken awkwardness of other people, but I also get that Kate can't help how she feels, and frankly it's for the best not to be in a secret competition. So, yeah, I'm hurt, but I'm going to the party. Not a satisfying update, but an honest one.

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UPDATE: going through these comments has actually brought up a couple of memories that have, in hindsight, made me a bit uncomfortable, and I actually don’t think I will end up going to this party. As much as the mutual friends will have questions and I don’t know how much of the truth I will end up telling, I feel too weird right now to continue to be involved in this situation.

Jamie’s careless admission that he saw Kate as a “second choice” has left a lasting scar, turning a party into a crucible of insecurity. As Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor on vulnerability, writes in Daring Greatly (quoted via Brené Brown’s website), “Shame thrives in secrecy, but healing begins when we share our stories with empathy.” Kate’s attempt to control the OP’s outfit was a desperate bid to mask her shame, but Jamie’s words are the root of this mess.

The woman’s choice to skip the party protects her from a toxic situation, though it risks ending her friendship with Kate. A 2022 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 71% of friendships strain under romantic insecurities . Kate’s pain is valid, but projecting it onto the OP was unfair. Jamie’s failure to confront his friends’ cruelty exacerbates the damage.

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Brown’s work suggests vulnerability can mend bonds, but only with mutual accountability. The OP could encourage Kate to seek therapy to rebuild her self-esteem, while maintaining distance to avoid further entanglement. Jamie must address his role and his friends’ behavior to restore trust.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s armchair analysts dive in with a mix of heartbreak and fiery takes, serving up empathy for Kate and scorn for Jamie. Their comments are a lively blend of support and snark:

SyndicalistThot − Jamie sounds like a real piece of work with bad taste in friends, so you dodged a bullet there. That's not something you should say in front of your partner. I hope Kate gets out of this relationship before it gets any more serious and you two can mend fences, but either way be glad he didn't think he had a shot with you and that you can just walk away from this while drama filled mess.

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FlatWhiteGirl93 − This is heartbreaking for Kate. You did nothing wrong, and she obviously was out of line with what she asked of you, but I can’t imagine hearing your partner say that would be an easy thing to get over, especially if she’s insecure. She shouldn’t have asked

(EDIT: I’m referring specifically to the “rather than OP” part of her question), he shouldn’t have said what he did or exposed her to his friends if they have a history of not treating her well. I’m sorry you’re losing a good friend over this! I hope she takes a step back from him and you guys patch things up, their relationship doesn’t sound all that healthy.

Away_Refuse8493 − A couple of months ago, Jamie and Kate were out with a few of his friends (these same friends that I mentioned in my comments are not fond of Kate), and everyone had had a lot to drink. They were talking about how they met their SOs, and the story of Jamie and Kate meeting came up.

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Apparently during the telling of the story Kate asked Jamie why he had decided to hit on her rather than me, and one of his friends joked that it was because he knew he didn't have a shot with 'the hot one' - me.. That's mean.

He also admitted that he'd been planning to propose to Kate at the party and that is why he'd wanted me to be there, but after hearing this on top of the way she has been handling the situation previously, he won't be doing that anymore.

Handling being insulted & called unattractive in front of a group of people she thought were her friends? Is Jamie not ENRAGED at the person who said this? She admitted that she had tied a lot of her self worth in the fact that she'd finally been picked over me and now it felt like that wasn't true.. That's sad.

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queen_of_mayhem − Something I'm not getting here, why is he postponing the proposal? Is he doing it to give time to Kate to heal or because he'll reevaluate the relationship? For me it doesn't make much sense to pause his plans, not when Kate is like this, or maybe I'm dense, but... he loves her so much, right? What's the problem?. ​

This is so sad. On your first post, I was against Kate, but now that I learned all this new info I think Jamie is the absolute a**hole of this story. He's exposing Kate to people who don't like her and now it has truly affected her self-worth. On top of that, he did practically confess to going after Kate as a second fiddle????

I would be destroyed if my partner said that to me, it doesn't matter if the outcome turned out to be 'the best'. I would need to reevaluate the relationship tbh. I truly wish for Kate to dump his ass and dish his friends. And, of course, she shouldn't have done what she did to you.

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You're completely innocent in this. It does sound like a good idea, for the moment, for her to step back from your friendship with her. Maybe that way she can start to think clearly and will try to mend things later on.. I wish you both the best. And for Jamie to be dumped.. ​. Edit: grammar

funkymorganics1 − It would be devastating to hear that your SO was so into your friend but thought she’d be out of his league so talked to you instead. And it wasn’t a “yeah you’re hot but I was also very attracted to Kate.”

It was a “I know that you ARE (in present tense) out of my league so yeah that’s why I am with your friend” And to know they share a special bond over a shared hobby and do that together sometimes. And the fact that the SO can still admit that he felt friend was out of his league.

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If I were Kate I couldn’t help but question if my partner still has a desire/attraction to friend, especially with how he worded things. But this isn’t friends fault. This could be a wake up call that Jamie isn’t the right person for Kate. It’s human to feel insecure about something like this. It’s something that I personally wouldn’t want to live with.

Maybe it would be seen as conservative but I personally wouldn’t maintain a personal friend relationship with my friends boyfriend if this revelation came out. And if I were Kate I would probably not want to stay in a situation that made me feel insecure, unsure, and second best.

DismalDally − Wow, I really don’t understand these comments. You found out that Jamie was an a**hole, and went for the girl he could get with even though he was actually pining for you this whole time, and instead of sticking up for your friend, you just gloss over that?

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‘He also admitted that he’d been planning to propose to Kate at the party and that is why he’d wanted me to be there, but after hearing this on top of the way she has been handling the situation previously, he won’t be doing that anymore.’.

He’s a real piece of work to have the gaul to say that and you said nothing?. Let me rephrase: ‘I’m not going to reward her for calling me out on my s**tty behavior - and yes my proposal is a reward for her, she wasn’t my first choice’.

In my opinion it sounds like you need to step up here and actually be a friend to Kate if you’re actually interested in being friends. If I found out my friend had been humiliated and hurt like that at a bar in front of a bunch of their friends by their a**hole of a boyfriend? I’d be pissed.

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excel_pager_420 − Having been Kate, the friend that guys would only talk to in order to talk to my pretty best friend or as a consolation prize, as sad as it is for you, distance is the only way she's going to be able to boost her self-esteem and start to acknowledge that she's stunning in her own light.

Sadly I'm not sure there's a future in her relationship with Jamie. His friends don't like her. His friends see her as second best to you and openly comment on this. Jamie admitted he only started talking to her as a consolation prize because he didn't feel like he'd have a shot with you.

You two have things in common she doesn't share with him and after she told him you couldn't make it he called you up to make sure you could make it. None of these things are your fault to be clear. It's not your fault straight men are cruel & will openly be harsh to women they don't find attractive or see as less attractive than the one they like.

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But if Kate decides she'd prefer to wait for the man who came across the room to talk to her because she caught his eye, for a man who doesn't let his friends make her feel second best, for a man who doesn't share things with her prettier best friend, than that would be fair. I wish you all well going forwards. I have to say though, Jamie doesn't sound great in all this. And it doesn't sound convincing that he's not interested in you at all.

SpeechIll6025 − Am I the only one who thinks Jamie was feeling out his chances with OP when he called her? “I knew I would never have a chance with you, so I talked to her …” and he was going to propose but now isn’t. Feels like he was leaving that open in case OP would say he was wrong in thinking he had no chance.

Ultimately a sad update, I feel for both you and Kate. I hope she moves on from the relationship and finds someone who treats her with the love and respect she deserves. I will say that I wouldn’t be too thrilled about my friends forming separate close (hang out alone) relationships with my SO.

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ravencrowe − So Jamie was going to propose to her, but now he's planning not to because he doesn't like how she's acted after HE wrecked her self esteem. What an a**hole. Poor Kate

mpressa − As someone who was always looked over for their hot friend, I really feel bad for Kate. That kind of insecurity really fucks with your head.. I hope she leaves Jamie and finds someone who won’t hesitate to pick her first.

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These Redditors lament Kate’s pain while slamming Jamie’s tactlessness, with some urging the OP to cut ties entirely. Their passionate opinions light up the thread, but do they see the full picture, or are they just adding spice to the drama?

This update exposes the raw cost of careless words and unspoken insecurities. The woman’s decision to step back prioritizes her peace, but Kate’s struggle and Jamie’s inaction leave their friendships hanging by a thread. Healing requires honesty and accountability, but distance may be the kindest choice for now. Have you ever faced a friendship rocked by a partner’s betrayal? Share your experiences and insights below!

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