[UPDATE] AITAH for leaving my boyfriend when his ex died leaving him to take care of his kids full time?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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The room buzzed with tension as she zipped her suitcase, her heart caught between loyalty and liberation. After her boyfriend’s ex passed away, he leaned on her to become a full-time stepmom, thrusting her into a role she never chose. The kids’ innocent questions and his desperate pleas weighed heavily, but the crushing load of unasked-for responsibility pushed her to the edge.

Her story, shared on Reddit, unfolds like a heartfelt chat among friends, brimming with raw emotion and tough choices. It’s a vivid tale of love clashing with personal boundaries, pulling readers into the messy, relatable struggle of balancing self-care with supporting those we care about. With a narrative that feels both intimate and universal, it sets the stage for a deeper dive into her decision to walk away.

For those who want to read the previous part: original post

‘[UPDATE] AITAH for leaving my boyfriend when his ex died leaving him to take care of his kids full time?’

Last few days were chaotic and full of confusion, to say the least. I didn't answer a lot of questions and I am sorry to all of you for that. I was not in the right state of mind and was o**rwhelmed by all the replies. As is human nature, all the reasons I was a AH and cold hearted b**ch messed with my mind lot.. To answer a few questions:

1) I didn't leave without goodbye. I had told the kids goodbye. I didn't want to cause too much strain and said I was leaving for a while for work. I did just tell my ex I was leaving, I couldn't take another round of 'stop acting like a child' and 'grow up'.

2) I don't normally work from home. He asked me to stay home with his daughter stating he doesn't know how to take care of a sick kid. She really was sick at first and I went along with it. But he refused to even help in the evenings.

3) Most of your assumptions about him was true in the sense I almost always ended up looking after the kids alone. He rarely did his part. It was either he was exhausted, he couldn't face them, he didn't know how to deal with their grief or I did it better. It was not what we agreed upon when I moved in to help. I was supposed to help him, show him the ropes but I ended up feeling like a single mom.

4) As parent, he got custody. His ex's parents said that was for the best since they were already retired. They did not want to raise the kids. Anyway, I was able to move back into my earlier apartment. Thankfully the landlord hadn't rented it to anyone else.

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I did have a lease but I did not want to keep paying rent and had come to agreement with landlord to sublet the apartment for month to month till I am back. Being back in my space I feel much more calmer. I also met with my ex. After the initial blasting, he called me yesterday asking if we could meet.

I wanted to get more clarity too and agreed. He came over (finally got a babysitter ) and we had a good talk. He apologised for everything he said and demanded I do. He said it was a big unexpected change for him too. He was scared and didn't know how to raise them, being a vacation dad.

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Having children home everyday and thinking this was how its gonna be for rest of his life (his words) had him terrified. I said I understood. But I cannot be a mom to those kids. I cannot take up his responsibilities. I want to help, but not in that capacity. I needed boundaries.

He said he expected as much. He agrees he should never have asked so much of me. He asked if I could help him, still. That the kids missed me and asked when I will be back. He needed me. And I refused. I told him I will help him. I will come around some times, when I can.

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As a friend of dad's would. But I won't move back in. I won't be a step mom. He asked if I was breaking up with him. The truth is I don't know. I do love him, but it won't work out in long term. And everything he did and said is still raw on my mind. I said as much to him.

I can't be in a committed relationship with him. I won't go anywhere, I will help and support as much as I can, but as a friend. I guess we are ending that relationship. I met kids this morning. I went over there with some pancakes. They asked when I was coming back to live with them.

I told them I have my own home to take care of but I will visit them when I can. While surprised, they seemed to be accepting the situation. They had questions of course, but accepted I will just be daddy's friend. His daughter asked if I could still be her bestfriend.

I agreed. I guess that won't be too hard. She gave me a hug before he took them to school and daycare. I actually feel so much better too. This was a role I can deal with.. I don't know if its the right way. I hope it works.. Thankyou for all your replies and guidance.

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Navigating unexpected family responsibilities can feel like walking a tightrope without a net. This Reddit user’s story highlights the clash between personal boundaries and sudden caregiving demands. Her boyfriend, overwhelmed by full-time fatherhood, leaned heavily on her, blurring the lines between partner and parent. While his fear is understandable, expecting her to shoulder the bulk of childcare without consent reveals a deeper issue of misaligned expectations.

This situation reflects a broader social challenge: the pressure on women to take on caregiving roles. According to a 2023 Pew Research study, women are still disproportionately expected to handle domestic responsibilities, even in modern relationships. The OP’s struggle underscores the importance of clear communication about roles early on.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and shared responsibilities”. Here, the boyfriend’s reliance on the OP without reciprocation tipped the balance. His apologies came late, and his request for her to “help” again suggests a reluctance to fully embrace his role as a parent.

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For the OP, setting boundaries was crucial. Experts suggest that clear, consistent limits protect mental health and foster healthier dynamics. She could continue supporting the children as a friend—perhaps through occasional visits—but should avoid slipping back into a caregiving role.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s armchair judges didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of empathy, outrage, and tough love. Here’s a peek at the community’s hot takes, as candid as a late-night group chat:

agreensandcastle − Wow, decided to check on you, and here this is. I have serious problems with how he just foisted the labor on anyone but himself, but I’m glad you are working on what really are your terms. Wishing you the best and for those kids.

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vmt7 − You're a very kind person. Your... potential ex on the other hand, I have very little respect for. I really can't get past the fact that he still asked for your help, even going so far as to ask 'when [you] will be back'. Selfish down to his very core, unfortunately. I wish you the best of luck, and though it might be hard to say a final goodbye to all of them... I would seriously consider it.

Constant_Cultural − You shouldn't go back if you are not ready to be a mother. I would not come over that much to not confuse the kids too much, they don't get that you are just a friend like that. He wants his babysitter to come back, not his girlfriend, please never forget that.

grissy − He said he expected as much. He agrees he should never have asked so much of me. He asked if I could help him, still. That the kids missed me and asked when I will be back. He needed me. Translation: 'I learned my lesson and I understand that what I did was wrong.

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Now here's me doing the EXACT SAME THING one sentence later, to prove I've learned nothing and am just saying the things I think you need to hear in order to get you to come back and resume being a single parent to my children.'

SnooWords4839 − Glad you are back in your place. He needs a nanny to help him, but mostly, needs to learn to be a dad.. Don't be surprised when he gets another GF soon, to take care of them.. Maybe a weekly breakfast, until he replaces you, would be great for the kids.

Kitchen_Victory_7964 − Thank you for the update, OP, and for clarifying so many details. It sounds like this is the necessary resolution - he really did attempt to make you the default parent, and that’s not ok.

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Carolinamama2015 − He's still using you to fill the void of 'mom.' You are the only woman in his life right now. Think about how confusing it's gonna be for these kids when he goes on dates/hookups, but Daddy's friend is gonna watch you.

Or how you'll stick around he'll be hoping you two get back together and then cut you off when that doesn't happen. Or you stay the little girls best friend until Daddy gets married or in a serious relationship, and wife/serious gf doesn't want you around anymore.

You are still thinking short-term OP! You need to think big picture into your future. For example, if you meet a child free man, you're in love with how is he gonna feel about you hanging out with your exs kids?

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AtomicBlastCandy − OP, I would run completely, this is just my advice. Your ex hasn't learned any different, he's just gone from demanding you to do all the work to convincing you to help a little. It'll start off as a little but then all of a sudden he'll be 'tired' or something

and expect you to come help out, 'just this once,' and keep incrementally adding. I'm not a parent and childfree so of course I am likely wrong, I feel that staying in his kid's lives a little can cause long-term hurt than if you were to leave.

cthulularoo − He asked if I was breaking up with him. The truth is I don't know. Why NOT??? This is a no-win for either of you if you continue in this relationship. He's still a narcissist who can't pull his head out of his ass. You're still childfree and don't want to be a stepmom. Do not be in a relationship with a guy with kids.

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Let him go and find someone who wants to have kids. Having children home everyday and thinking this was how its gonna be for rest of his life (his words) had him terrified. What the f**k did he think his life was going to be when he had TWO kids? If he didn't want kids, why have multiples of them? Why are you still wanting to be with this i**ot?

Super_Ad_7135 − Make sure ex is not using you for childcare. Try to distance yourself, so ex will not have opportunities to use you and kids will not become attached, if you don’t want to be tied to this relationship. It’s ok to check in ever so often. Since they kids know you, distance yourself gradually instead to just going NC.

These Reddit opinions are fiery, but do they capture the full picture? Is the boyfriend truly manipulative, or just a dad in over his head? The debate rages on.

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This story leaves us pondering the fine line between love and obligation. The OP’s choice to prioritize her peace over a role she didn’t choose sparks a universal question: where do you draw the line when love asks too much? Her courage to set boundaries, even at the cost of her relationship, invites reflection on how we navigate unexpected life changes. What would you do if faced with a similar crossroads? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to choose between your heart and your freedom?

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