AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend’s long awaited baby?

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In a cozy coffee shop, the clink of mugs once echoed with laughter from five college friends, now in their late 30s, whose lives have woven a tapestry of joy and pain. One friend, after years of battling infertility, is finally expecting a baby—and expects her event-planner pal to throw a grand baby shower. But the sting of her absence during the group’s toughest moments lingers like a bitter aftertaste.

The woman, known for her party-planning flair, feels torn. Readers are pulled into this knotty tale of friendship, wondering if she’s wrong to draw a line or if loyalty has its limits when it’s been one-sided for so long.

‘AITA for declining to throw a baby shower for a friend’s long awaited baby?’

This story involves a group of 5 friends - I'll be A, friend with long awaited baby is B, other friends are C, D, and E. The 5 of us have been friends since college, and we're now in our late 30s, so we have been close friends for 2 decades. We've seen each other through grad school, relationships & break-ups, weddings, cancer, one divorce, death of parents, and more.

We've had rare squabbles but overall have been a tight knit group, despite our lives looking quite different. This story starts 5 years ago when B started trying for a baby but found that she was infertile. She shared this with the group and said she did not want to hear anything about pregnancies, babies, or kids.

We honored her request three had or have had kids during this time period, while one remains childfree by choice. B has not been there for any of us during this time. She has nixed all talk of pregnancy, childbirth or kids in the group chat, so we do not use that venue to talk of our lives.

She has not attended a baby shower or sent a present. She has not acknowledged the births of our kids. C had a pregnancy complication and was in the ICU for weeks and her baby was in the NICU for months - B was nowhere to be seen during that, while the other 3 of us took turns helping out and supporting C during recovery.

D had cancer and her husband left her during chemo - B was nowhere for that either cause D has young kids. The rest of us took her to her appointments and cared for her kids while she was ill. E who is childfree has had tremendous career success, and B has not shown up to celebrate that either.

We've still tried to keep B in our lives and do childfree get-togethers every so often, including an annual girl's trip tradition, but she's been less and less involved in our day to day lives. And then... B had success with IVF, and she's in her second trimester. Suddenly, she wants to hear everything about babies.

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She's been excitedly talking with me about her baby shower under the assumption that I'll be throwing it. Now I'm the event planner for the group. I love throwing parties. I've an excellent baker and decorator. But the truth is, I don't want to do it. I do all the work for these events out of love for friends.

My friend group C, D, and E  have earned this, a hundred times over. But B? She has not been there for me nor the rest of us for many years now. Not only has she not been a friend, she barely knows who I am anymore. I don't hold that against her because I recognize that it has come from a place of pain, but I also am tired of the incredibly one-sided relationship.

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I'm happy she is having the baby she's long hoped for and I'll show up to celebrate at her shower, but AITA if I don't feel like suddenly picking up and resuming being best friends with someone who hasn't been there for me in any capacity in a long time?

This story hums with the quiet ache of faded friendships. The woman’s reluctance to host the baby shower stems from a friendship that feels more like a memory than a reality. Her friend’s absence during cancer, ICU stays, and celebrations wasn’t just distance—it was a choice that left scars. Yet, her pain from infertility deserves empathy, complicating the dynamic.

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Dr. Irene Levine, a friendship expert, notes, “Friendships thrive on reciprocity; one-sided relationships often erode trust”. The friend’s request to ban kid-related talk, while understandable, isolated her from the group’s lives. Research shows 60% of friendships fade due to life changes like parenthood if not nurtured.

This reflects a broader issue: navigating friendships through personal struggles. The woman could gently explain her feelings, perhaps suggesting a smaller role in the shower to honor their history without overextending herself. Therapy might help her process resentment while rebuilding boundaries.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of empathy and sharp-witted takes on this friendship fallout. Here’s a peek at their thoughts, proving no one’s shy about weighing in on baby shower drama.

0biterdicta − NTA. While infertility is very hard, she pushed y'all away for years to such an extreme degree (can't see her friend with cancer because there are kids there?) that I'm a little surprised you still really consider her a close friend. She should have sought appropriate help for her mental health and wellbeing, instead of pushing you all away. Now she's seeing the outcome of treating people poorly for years.

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maddypip − NTA for not wanting to do it but you should be clear with her that it won’t be you. Next time she talks about the shower just straight up ask her who is hosting it. If she says you are then you can tell her you aren’t up for that. You can leave it at “I’m sorry I just won’t be able to do that” or you can go deeper into your issues with her.

[Reddit User] − By this post? NTA! B is not entitled to you throwing her baby shower, especially since she shut you all out and has been focusing only on her own infertility. Friends support each other, even if they're not able to do much, they're still there. Even if two friends are both struggling, they can still be there in one way or another. Honestly, you should all drop her. She doesn't seem like a very good friend.

Quirky_Bumblebee_461 − NTA for not wanting to do it, but you shouldn’t “lead her on” either. She thinks you are still friends, so much so that she assumes you’ll throw her a baby shower.

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TheVue221 − NTA. I understand B’s despair while trying to become pregnant. However the world goes on and she would have seen babies and kids out in the world and on TV and on social media and pretty much everywhere .... but from the people closest to her(?).

It was selfish, self-centered, and rude to ignore best friends having children (and being in the ICU! And cancer! And divorce !) and quite honestly someone should have stepped up to have a frank discussion with her on how to treat her friends and family during this time.

Perhaps she’s just so much all about herself, a discussion wouldn’t have made any difference. Sometimes friends turn out to be “good times” friends, it’s “all about me” friends. And you don’t realize it until there are bad times and they’re not there . Also who ASSUMES someone is giving them a baby shower? Jeez.

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That’s not how this works. People offer a shower, you don’t ask for it (which she didn’t do that either, she’s assuming) Next time she talks about a baby shower, ask her what is the date and who’s having it so you can check your calendar to see if you’re free. I think that gets the message across without having to come out and say “why do you think I’m throwing a shower for you?”

StarryJuliet − As someone who dealt with infertility for many years before my IVF baby.....NTA. I distanced myself from friends with kids too, but would never have expected them to throw me a shower. I threw my own, and they came, and we were able to reset things from there.

mrscandysmith − NTA at all! Thank you for sharing your story too! Similar situation over here and it's really difficult to have empathy for someone's pain when they pull away from your life completely and then want to pretend like it never happened.. So many mixed feelings and it's hard to separate them out. You are allowed your own feelings too and should not be expected to jump when she calls now.

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I know that no matter how much I feel for a friend in pain, I can't expect them to accommodate me.. but also vice versa, things are different between you now and things may not necessarily go back to normal. If you want to vent more without judgment, feel free to message me anytime! I understand where you're coming from

[Reddit User] − NTA. I understand being infertile and wanting kids sucks. Its hard and depressing. But it doesn't give her the right to suddenly come back into everyones lives once she can have a kid.. Why does she get to demand support when she hasnt been there for literally anybody else?

[Reddit User] − NTA first off, no one is 'owed' a baby shower. Second, you know the old saying 'To have friends, you have to BE a friend.' B hasn't been a friend here. She's all happy-smiley now because things are going well for her, but where was she in the hard times?

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Nowhere to be found... Well, you reap what you sow. If you don't want to throw her a shower, don't. Next time she brings it up, innocently ask her 'Oh, when will the shower be?' and see what she says. If she insinuates that you'll be planning/throwing the shower for her, set her straight - politely, but firmly.

Tell her that you're happy she's expecting, but she hasn't been much of a friend to any of you for years. Perhaps someone who is currently closer to her would be the appropriate person to throw a shower for her. One of two things will happen, someone else will throw the shower and you'll just be a guest or she'll be so angry she'll end the relationship. Either is a win in my book.

FWIW, I dealt with infertility for four years. I think it's completely unreasonable to BAN any talk of babies, pregnancy, kids, etc. because of my own issues. For me, the fact that B demanded that from you speaks to her character, and not in a good way.

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I honestly cannot even imagine asking that of my friends. I was happy for each baby, each child, each milestone, all of it. In fact, it often took the focus of my own troubles and kept me from wallowing when things got bad.

4614065 − NTA! I get the whole “don’t talk about babies” thing in front of her but the other examples you described are RIDICULOUS. How does she avoid babies and children in every day life? Books, movies, the news?

I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to throw the shower. Nothing is stopping her from doing it herself. Why should it be up to you just because you’re good at it?. How do the other friends feel about it?

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These Reddit zingers hit hard, but do they capture the full picture, or are they just tossing confetti on the drama?

This tale unwinds the delicate threads of friendship stretched thin by time and pain. The woman’s choice to step back from hosting isn’t about denying her friend’s joy—it’s about honoring her own boundaries after years of one-sided effort. Friendships, like parties, need mutual care to sparkle. Have you ever faced a friend who vanished, only to reappear expecting celebration? Share your stories—what would you do to keep or cut those ties?

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