AITA for telling my wife “you made your bed, now lie in it”?

In a quiet home, a wife’s quest for a mother figure unravels into a costly lesson. Ignoring her husband’s warnings about his toxic mother, she builds a bond, only to be burned when a $6,000 loan vanishes with her mother-in-law’s sudden silence. Devastated, she faces her husband’s blunt words: “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

This Reddit AITA post peels back layers of trust, grief, and boundaries, sparking debate. Was his tough love fair, given her defiance, or did her pain deserve more empathy? The sting of betrayal and family drama leaves readers picking sides.

‘AITA for telling my wife “you made your bed, now lie in it”?’

My wife(27f) and I(30m) have been together for 8 years and we have three children(7m,6m,5m). To be as blunt as possible, my mother is an a**hole, I don’t know why she is this way, she just has always been an a**hole. Eventually, her behavior caused basically her whole family to cut contact with her, including me, my siblings, my dad, grandparents, etc.

For basically my whole marriage I have told my wife to not have a relationship with my mom since it won’t end well. But ever since the start of last year she decided she wanted to have a relationship with her, my wife’s mother died when she was young, so she never had a mother figure in her life, so she was probably looking for mom to be a replacement mom toward her.

Of course, I told her it won’t be a good idea, but she insisted. As you can expect it didn’t go well for her, I remember her crying like four times a month due to my mother, and of course, I told her to cut contact with my mother and move on with her life every time. A few days ago my mother asked my wife if she could borrow six thousand from her since she was struggling financially that year.

Of course, I told my wife that was a terrible idea and not to do it, but she did it anyway. My mom ended up completely cutting contact with my wife once she got the money and I think(might not be true) is playing on moving in with a friend in a different state.

My wife was of course absolutely destroyed emotionally, I told her that she “made her bed and now has to lie in it”, and should have listened to me. I was talking to my best friend(30m, also my wife’s older brother) about this situation and brought up my response, he called me selfish and said I should be more empathetic to my wife. AITA?

Navigating a partner’s risky choices can test even the strongest bonds. The husband, long estranged from his toxic mother, warned his wife against forming a relationship, knowing her manipulative nature. Yet, driven by grief for her late mother, she persisted, lending $6,000—against his advice—only to be ghosted. His sharp retort, “you made your bed,” reflects frustration but stung her deeply, highlighting a clash: his need for trust versus her emotional vulnerability.

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This mirrors broader issues in relationships when one partner ignores red flags. The wife’s longing for a maternal figure clouded her judgment, but disregarding her husband’s lived experience strained their trust. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Mutual respect for each other’s boundaries strengthens partnerships; dismissing them breeds resentment.” The husband’s warnings were rooted in protecting her, but his harsh response missed her grief-driven motives.

A softer approach—like acknowledging her pain while reinforcing boundaries—might have bridged the gap. The wife could explore therapy to process her loss, avoiding toxic substitutes.

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Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s dishing out fiery takes, from hardline support to calls for compassion. Here’s what users think about this marital clash:

MonkeyWrench - NTA Your wife thought she knew better than you, the son of the woman she was warned against having a relationship with. She didn't listen, she thought she knew better and now she is $6k poorer and wants sympathy from you?

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Nope, you told her exactly what was going to happen, she didn't listen and now she has a bed to lie in. I'm assuming you guys have separate finances and if that is so, I strongly urge you to NOT give you wife $6k for this giant ass mistake. Your mother doesn't get a free pass on debt she owes and your wife has to pay her i**ot tax.

[Reddit User] - I think you missed something here very important and I suggest you pay attention. I think you wife is still grieving for her mother. She’s probably very vulnerable and needed a comforting maternal role in her life. Yes she definitely chose the wrong one and yes you warned her but you should have suggested someone else.

She’s trying to process her grief be aware that’s what it is and she was just rejected. That’s like loosing her mother twice. Your right no ones arguing that with you but I think there’s a time to shove that home and a time to just hold your wife and tell her you understand. And find her a grandma or a baby to hold for Pete sake

El-Catman - You told her, several times, that getting involved with your mother is a bad idea. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way.. NTA,. Also, small claims court, get that money back!

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tailofthecrackfox - NTA. I would be disgusted if my boyfriend tried to have a relationship with my abusive mother. I cut her off five years ago for the good of my own mental health. Your gf wanting to see her in the first place is just f**king selfish.

She was probably naive and didn’t realise how horrid people can be. She didn’t believe you. She didn’t trust you as her husband.. Sucks she lost all that money. But it’s her own fault, you warned her. Why are you with her?

StAlvis - ESH 'Told you so' is *rarely* the correct response in relationships — 'rarely' to the point it might as well be 'never.'

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EllaMcWho - NTA Your spouse who ignored your going LC with your own toxic mother to form her own relationship with the toxic MIL makes 'pikachu faces' when her MIL is toxic... does this sub not remember the post the other day where a spouse wanted to engineer reconciliation with a toxic bio family? when there's family toxicity, the partner whose family it is gets to decide how to deal...

I'd be PISSED AS HELL if my (now ex, but at the time partner) ignored my pain and advice re: toxic fam to establish a relationship. OP is not at all saying they controlled their partner, just that they advised against it and now can't be the consoler when their partner reaped what they sowed.. edited for clarity: (now ex, but at the time partner)

PalatableRadish - NTA. She ignored you and flew too close to the sun.

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Jumpy-Ad7167 - Nta. But you should have veto'd her giving your mom 6k. I really hope you have separate finances.

Tinabird20 - NTA. I mean how much respect does your wife have for you to doubt your own feelings about your own mother. Like honestly its a major boundary violation she never listened to you about being NC in the first place.

Fruit-Additional - NTA! I honestly thought this was going to be a very different story. She was absolutely ridiculous and you don’t owe her an ounce of sympathy. Just don’t engage in a conversation about your mother again.

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These opinions spark a blaze, but do they capture the delicate dance of love and tough lessons?

This tale of a wife’s gamble and a husband’s blunt truth cuts deep into trust and consequences. Was he right to call out her mistake, or should he have cushioned her fall? Would you stand firm on a warning ignored, or offer a softer landing? Share your thoughts below!

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