AITA for telling my mom I’m not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?

The sting of a mother’s absence can linger like a shadow, especially when it feels like you were traded for a new family. At 23, he’s built a life without his mom, who drifted away after her new marriage and son, leaving him with only sporadic visits and missed milestones. Now, after the tragic loss of his half-brother, she’s reaching out, eager to mend what’s broken. But for him, her timing feels like a gut punch—why now, only after tragedy?

His blunt refusal, calling himself her “second choice,” has sparked family drama, with grandparents piling on the guilt. Yet, his pain is raw, rooted in years of feeling sidelined. This story dives into the messy heart of estrangement, grief, and the struggle to set boundaries when family ties feel more like chains. Can he hold his ground without regret? Let’s explore this emotional tug-of-war.

‘AITA for telling my mom I’m not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?’

Me (23M) and my mom don’t have the best relationship. My parents broke up when I was 2. My mom was trying to do college so I was mostly with my dad and she’d have me every weekend. When I was 6 she got married and then a year later had my half brother “Tommy.”

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After that she was cancelling our meetups or days I go over there because she was busy. Missing out on school stuff and then birthdays. I barely saw her after that and her reason always was being busy with my half bro. I never even met him.

Like at all. I could also tell when I was around her husband didn’t like me. He was always serious around me and never actually spoke to me. Years went on and it just went to total no talking at all.. My dad got married to my stepmom when I was 10 and she’s really great.

So 9 months ago I heard from my grandparents on Facebook that Tommy passed. Idk the full details all I know it was some accident and he had serious injuries.. Thought about reaching out to my mom but it felt weird since we haven’t talked in years.

She ended up the one messaging me. First telling me about what happened to Tommy and then apologizing for not keeping contact with me for years. Pretty much she wants to meet and for us to have a relationship again. It just felt off to me that she’s doing it only now after Tommy passed.

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I know some of u are gonna say losing him maybe made her realize she was a s**t mom to me, but still.. If this hadn’t happened then it’s like she never would’ve reached out and wouldn’t be trying.. I told her this too and I’m not interested in us having anything atm.

This made her push even more that we need to do this and it just seemed like she was not gonna let this go. So I said I’m sorry for what happened to him but I’m not gonna be her 2nd choice. And she can’t expect me to want her back in just because she lost one child and decided she’ll go back to the other.

Maybe in the future if I feel differently but not right now. My mom hasn’t left me alone and when last time I talked to my grandparents they gave me s**t about what I told her and I shouldn’t have said that to her after she’s lost her son.

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So I’m not sure if what I said was too harsh. Saying I’m not interested in her right now just because my brother’s not around anymore and it’s like I’m just her only option now. It’s just how I feel since she dropped out of my life once she had another family.. was I an a**hole?

Rejecting a parent’s attempt to reconnect after years of absence is a heavy choice, but one rooted in self-preservation. This young man’s mother prioritized her new family, leaving him feeling discarded, and her outreach now, post-tragedy, feels opportunistic. As family therapist Dr. John Gottman explains, “Trust is built in small moments over time, and when those moments are missed, rebuilding requires accountability, not insistence” (source: Gottman Institute).

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His mother’s absence during his childhood—missing birthdays and school events—created a trust deficit. Her pushiness now, ignoring his boundaries, risks further alienation. Meanwhile, his grandparents’ criticism overlooks his pain, focusing on her grief. Studies show 40% of estranged adult children cite neglect as a primary reason for distance, often exacerbated by new family dynamics (source: Journal of Family Psychology).

Dr. Gottman’s advice on rebuilding trust applies: she must acknowledge her past neglect without pressuring him. He could consider a neutral response, like writing a letter to express his feelings, setting clear terms for any future contact. Therapy might help him process his anger and grief.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit brought the heat, serving up raw takes with a dash of righteous indignation. Users backed his right to set boundaries, some calling his mom’s actions karmic payback, while others urged him to stay firm.

GManBoyd - NTA in the slightest imo... this shouldn’t be a question in your head man, don’t feel bad about not wanting a relationship, she ditched you for her other son and now only wants you now that he’s gone? F**k off. This is harsh but that’s karma. Completely up to you but she doesn’t deserve you pal.

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Ananga_Ranga - My son died ... but wait, I got a spare, don't I?. NTA

Noltonn - What you said was harsh, and probably not the best way to go about it, but she was pushing for a relationship that you're not interested in. She has been an absentee parent for what, 17 years now if I'm reading this correctly?

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If a relationship is started again at that point, it has to be on your terms, not hers, and it does not seem like she is respecting that. Keep in mind that *she* f**ked up her relationship with you.. So, NTA. Your mother needs to respect your choices.

FiendishPup - NTA, despite what some family members tell you, you don't owe this woman anything. She made the choice to forgo a relationship with you every weekend for years, why should you be expected to do something different?. Good luck OP

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Traumatized-Trashbag - 'After she lost her son' she traded one son for another and now decides to talk to you after his death? NTA. She doesn't get to walk in and out of your life like that. She wouldn't have reached out if Tommy hadn't died and everyone knows that. As far as she can be concerned with, she lost both of her sons, and she can stew in that thought.

-my-cabbages - NTA- At the age of 6 your mother proved you were disposable to her. It's a two way street, you don't owe her anything. A more sympathetic person might suggest it took the death of your brother for her to realize how much she had neglected you. However, even if that is true, she deserves to live with these regrets for now.. She lost one son years ago and she didn't care enough to realize it.

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Change2001 - NTA. Your mother recently lost her son, but you effectively lost your mother about 17 years ago. She made her choice and reaffirmed it over the years by ignoring you. Do not let anyone guilt trip you into a relationship in which you are not interested. If you feel the need to block her, then do so guilt free.

B0326C0821 - The fact that you didn’t even know your brother is really a testament to how far your “mother” pushed you out of her life. You do not owe her anything. NTA

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[Reddit User] - NTA. You told her some hard truths she has been trying to ignore. You have every right to maintain your boundaries.

Razzmatazz_Certain - Did you say that you never really met your brother? NTA. I dont understand why your mother would not have tried to foster a relationship between you and your brother. Sounds like the stepdad did not want you around. Telling you she was busy is a cop out. My mother was pushed away because her stepdad did not want to raise another mans child.

She was left to be raised by her 17 year old Aunt. I have watched the years of dysfunction and drama play out between mother and her bio mom. My mother always ends up disappointed and hurt. To be your mother she had to put in the work. When you were sick or struggling with school and growing pains she was living life with her replacement family.

As a mother myself, I cannot imagine not being there for my child. It takes two seconds to send you a text asking about your day and letting you know she’s thinking of you. Also your grandparents have no right to be upset with you for not embracing the woman they surely watched abandon and n**lect you.

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It's really rich they're scolding you instead acknowledging your pain. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish you well and hope that you do not allow her to derail your goals and dreams. You are entitled to your feelings never doubt that.

These are Reddit’s unfiltered gems, but do they nail the truth? Or are they just fanning the flames of family drama?

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This story lays bare the ache of being a forgotten child and the courage it takes to say “not now.” His mother’s loss doesn’t erase years of neglect, and his refusal to be her “backup” is a stand for his own worth. Time and honest effort might open a door, but that’s his call to make. Have you ever faced a family member trying to reenter your life after years away? What would you do in his shoes? Let’s get the conversation going.

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