AITA for ruining my sister’s birthday and proposal, causing her to have a meltdown?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The stage was set for a 21st birthday to remember, with twinkling lanterns and doves ready to take flight. An 18-year-old sister, juggling a tight timeline and her sibling’s lofty demands, worked tirelessly to create a magical night. But those delicate lilies, chosen in a last-minute rush, turned the celebration into a sneezing disaster, stealing the show for all the wrong reasons.

When a surprise proposal ended with the fiancé covered in hives and rushed to the hospital, the birthday girl’s joy turned to fury. Now, the young planner faces her sister’s wrath for a night gone haywire, while Reddit lights up with opinions on this family fiasco.

‘AITA for ruining my sister’s birthday and proposal, causing her to have a meltdown?’

I (18F) planned my sister’s 21st birthday party, which was conducted yesterday. It was a huge party, with many of our family friends, acquaintances, old classmates, etc. there were about 65 people. My sister gave me a budget for it and a list of things she wanted at her party, including flowers, food, lanterns, doves to be released in the sky, etc.

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I did the best I could, but because the party was planned last minute, when I called the florist she only had lilies in large stock. I said that was ok. I double checked with my sister if she was fine with my arrangements because she’s a bit of a micromanager. She said it was fine.

The first quarter of the party was good. My sister’s boyfriend was late, so she was a bit worried about him. He soon arrived about 15 minutes before the cake cutting, calls me out of the hall, tells me he plans on proposing. I was really excited, and set up a dramatic entry onto the stage where she was going to cut the cake.

Cake cutting begins. My sister is calm now that she’s seen her boyfriend. He gets down on one knee after she slices the cake and pops the question. She excitedly says yes but then he starts sneezing and itching really badly, and he’s broken out into hives.. My sister is visibly upset that her birthday/ proposal is ruined.

Turns out he has an extremely bad allergy to lilies. My sister and him go to the hospital because they’re not sure if it’ll get worse. After all of that died down, at night, my sister messages me, asking me why I hadn’t used another type of flower, stating that her boyfriend had apparently informed me of his pollen allergy (along with soy and wheat) in response to my food and other allergies query.

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Unfortunately, he sent me an e-mail, when I specifically asked him to send me a message instead. I don’t remember my e-mail password, and I hadn’t even sent this query on e-mail. My sister then asked me why I didn’t contact him if I didn’t see his message, because she reminded me that he had allergies. I admit that it slipped my mind because I was planning the other details of the party.

edit: my sister is not a huge fan of the first date flowers or bouquets. because of this, her fiancé never got her flowers, so she didn’t know about his allergy. She told me about his soy and wheat allergies, which were the only ones he told her about.

He had mentioned he had a few more (pollen, shellfish, dairy, etc) and told her that he would send that in the allergy response sheet. Thankfully pollen was the only one that he was extremely allergic to, and he didn’t really get the chance to eat anything, so he didn’t have multiple allergy reactions because I didn’t see the dairy and shellfish one..

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Edit #2: I see I’m getting a lot of questions about the doves. 1- the doves she wanted to release were trained to return back to a certain point, had ribbons tied to their feet (I have no idea how they were trained but they’re used often for weddings, proposals, engagements, the like.)

2- I am quite sure my sister had already found out about the engagement (possibly weeks back, I wouldn’t doubt it, she can literally find out anything) and decided on releasing the doves to represent peace, serenity, hope, love etc. 3- We didn’t release the doves nor the lanterns at the end because of the allergy attack. Couldn’t get a refund but that’s ok.

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edit #3: guys… my sister skipped a whole decade’s worth of birthdays just for her 21st to be an elaborate one. It’s a tradition that our family practices. I’ve skipped my past few birthday parties for my 21st to be more extravagant too.

Normally the mother or the sister plans the birthday, or if it’s a guy’s 21st, the father or the brother will.. Also- my sister’s fiancé’s pollen allergy is not life threatening. It‘s basically just hay fever and hives.

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Planning a milestone event like a 21st birthday can feel like juggling flaming torches. The OP, caught in a whirlwind of last-minute demands, faced a nightmare when lilies triggered her sister’s fiancé’s severe allergy, derailing a proposal. The core issue? Miscommunication. The sister approved the lilies despite knowing her fiancé’s allergies, while he sent an unopened email, leaving the OP blindsided. All share the blame, yet the OP’s stuck in the crossfire.

This mess mirrors a broader issue: event planning chaos. A 2021 Eventbrite study notes 68% of organizers struggle with last-minute changes, often causing oversights (source). Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, emphasizes, “Clear communication prevents assumptions that derail relationships” (source). Here, a simple text could’ve flagged the allergy, sparing the drama. The fiancé’s email and the sister’s oversight amplified the error, showing how assumptions can spiral.

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For readers, the fix is straightforward: confirm critical details directly. The OP could’ve chased a text response, while the sister and fiancé should’ve verified the flowers. A quick group chat or call can dodge disasters. This story underscores that shared accountability, not blame, heals rifts. A post-party talk could mend things, ensuring no one’s left itching for resolution.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of support and shade like it’s a family reunion gone wild. From calling out the sister’s entitlement to questioning the fiancé’s email etiquette, the comments are a spicy blend of empathy and eye-rolls. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

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Scu-bar − NTA, send her the message back where she said she was fine with lilies, then ask her why she tried to kill her boyfriend.

[Reddit User] − - You confirmed with your sister that the lilies would be fine before you even ordered them.. - She’s part of the blame because she didn’t remember her own boyfriends/fiancés allergies. - You specifically said to message you and not email

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Boyfriend didn’t bother double checking with you about allergens, it’s his full responsibility to double check that allergens aren’t around and he is also part of the blame. And in all honesty? You’re completely blameless, you were upfront with everything and you were trying to communicate with both parties and they both failed themselves in the end for not double checking. NTA

[Reddit User] − NTA. You told her it would have to be lilies, and she said it was fine. It sounds like she’s feeling guilty and misdirecting her anger at herself onto you.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. When the BF did not get an acknowledgement from you about his allergies, he should have followed it up. Also, your sister was fine with the lilies. This is on her, not you.

DerTW13 − 1. What the duck kind of party is this for a 21th birthday? Your sister making demands on what she expects (btw, doves are living beings, not an attraction to a party) and on a tight timeline too? This reeks of entitlement from the start.

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2. She should know about his allergies and at least let you know to double check with him if lilies are a problem. She said lilies were fine when she at least should have at least known pollen are a problem and let you know to double check with him. Blaming this on you isn't fair.. NTA.

scrapfactor − Info: who paid for this ridiculous 21st birthday party? Doves? FFS I'm really hoping your sister paid for it because if she had the audacity to tell you how much you should spend on her party you should have laughed in her face.

Dvilindskys − NTA. Sister knew of allergies and approved Lillie's.. She's looking for a scape goat and a 'I'm a victim and it's your fault' moment

snchills − NTA but has your sister always been this high maintenance. And yes she shares the blame because you confirmed the lilies with her and she never said anything about her boyfriend being allergic.

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I get being disappointed that her proposal was essentially ruined but now she has a story to tell her kids about how their dad proposed to their mom. Good god don't let her talk you into planning her wedding. I can see her totally going bridezilla.

Mabusmoriah − Did your sister also forget? I double checked with my sister if she was fine with my arrangements because she’s a bit of a micromanager.. NTA. I am blaming this on the sister.

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tatasz − NTA. She didn't know her own boyfriend's allergies herself as she endorsed the lilies.

These Redditors rallied behind the OP, slamming the sister for approving lilies while knowing her fiancé’s allergies. Some called the fiancé’s email blunder a rookie move, while others sniffed out the sister’s need for a scapegoat. But do these fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the family drama?

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This tale of lilies, love, and a hospital dash shows how quickly a dream night can unravel when communication falters. The OP’s efforts to create a magical moment were overshadowed by a simple oversight, leaving her caught in a storm of blame. Yet, the story reminds us that family dynamics are messy, and misunderstandings can sting more than hives. The Reddit community leaned hard into supporting the OP, but the real lesson lies in clear communication and shared responsibility. What would you do if you found yourself planning a high-stakes event under pressure? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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