AITA for telling my sister the actual reason I don’t want to have kids?

Jonathan Hours
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In a bustling South Asian household, a young woman bites her tongue as her sister’s 4-year-old son and dog wreak havoc under her mother’s weary care. For eight months, she’s watched her mom, plagued by aches, juggle childcare and pets while her sister lives carefree in a new apartment. When her sister teases her about not wanting kids, she snaps, revealing her fear of repeating such parenting missteps. Was her blunt truth too harsh? This Reddit tale dives into family duty and tough love.

The argument that followed peeled back layers of cultural expectations and personal choice. As we explore the original post and Reddit’s fiery takes, prepare for a story that’s as thought-provoking as it is relatable, with a dash of familial chaos.

‘AITA for telling my sister the actual reason I don’t want to have kids?’

English is not my first language and I am on my phone. Advance apologies for any mistakes. My sister (29f) is now visiting my parents and I with her husband. Her son, my nephew has been living with my mum and I for the past 8 months because she is unable to take care of him properly and thinks my mother would do a better job.

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My mother suggested hiring a full time nanny but she said she would feel uncomfortable having a stranger in her house all the time but was ready to pay my mum the money so that she could hire one. Due to covid, it's been really hard finding a nanny and it's just my mother and I with a 4 year old child.

I don't like children. I don't despise them but I don't like them. My mother issuses with her knee, back, neck and more and because I feel bad, I help her take care of the child (at least 3 hours a day) and also my sister's dog who is also currently living with my mum and I because my sister moved into an apartment and found out later i.e., after signing the lease that it wasn't a pet friendly one. BS, I tell you.

Now to the current situation. My sister and her Bil was teasing me about me being a hard core feminist and saying that's why I refuse to have children. This has been an ongoing thing for the past week. Yesterday, I was finally fed up. I told her I would only get married or have children if I feel like it and then she asked me why I was so against children as I love my nephew.

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I told her even though I love my nephew, I didn't think I could handle having one and taking care of one full time. She told me that's what parents are for and that I, just like she did could leave the kid until he/she is able to clean their poop, bathe themselves etc. on their own. I told her that's exactly why I didn't want to have children.

I told her I only wanted to have children if I was sure I could take care of them on my own and not make my mum suffer. And my mom is suffering. Even with me pitching in, her job, two dogs (one my sister's and one my mums) and the kid she is monumentally tired and I feel extremely bad for her. My bil and sister told me that's what grandparents are for and I told them no.

I told them I didn't want to do what they did and it led to an argument that my bil started and started going off about how I think they are bad parents and I said, 'yeah, kind of. Who has a child and expects someone else to take care of him?' (they want my mother to take care of him for the next couple of years as well, which will be harder on her because I will move out soon).

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They are mad and bil cried telling me how hard it is to leave his child and go away and then I told him to find a better way so that the child could live with them. They both work 9 to 10 hour jobs and I get it's hard but they started the argument and now they are mad about what I said.. AITA? should I apologise?

Edit: I am South Asian and it is common for grandparents to take care of their children (usually not on their own but while they are living with their kids). I don't think it's right to assume they would take care of the kids because it's a cultural thing.

edit 2: My sister and bil visits my nephew twice a month and this is honestly more work for my mother because now she has to cook for 5 people, take care of the child and is usually exhausted when they leave.

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Update: Thank you for all the comments. I just showed it to my mom and have suggested I make a small correction about my sister's pet dog. She asked my mom to take care of the dog because he was acting hostile towards my nephew (which he still is) and told my mom she won't be able to take care of both.

Now she wants the dog who hates the nephew and my mom's own dog and my nephew to live with my mom. I'm lost for words.. Also, my mom agrees to everything you guys said but hasn't made a firm decision yet.

Family dynamics can be a tightrope, especially when cultural norms clash with personal boundaries. This woman’s refusal to have kids stems from witnessing her mother’s exhaustion, burdened by her sister’s child and pet. Her sister’s reliance on their mom, while dismissing the strain, sparked a raw confrontation. As family therapist Dr. Susan Forward writes, “When you set boundaries, you’re taking care of yourself” (Toxic Parents). Here, the woman’s bluntness was a stand for her values and her mother’s well-being.

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The sister’s perspective leans on cultural norms where grandparents often help with childcare, but her near-abandonment—visiting her son twice monthly—pushes this too far. The woman, helping three hours daily despite disliking kids, sees her mom’s suffering firsthand. Her sister’s expectation that their mom handle childcare for years ignores the physical and emotional toll.

A 2022 study by the Pew Research Center found 40% of grandparents provide regular childcare, but only 10% expect to be primary caregivers (Pew). This mismatch fuels tension in multigenerational homes. The sister’s entitlement, coupled with her defensive reaction, highlights a lack of accountability.

For solutions, experts suggest clear communication and firm boundaries. The woman could propose a timeline for her sister to resume parenting duties, perhaps with professional childcare support. Family mediation might help align expectations.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit unleashed a storm of opinions, from fiery support to sharp critiques, all served with a side of humor. Here’s a taste of the community’s unfiltered takes on this family drama.

ryseaman − NTA. They shouldn't have even had a child if they weren't prepared to take care of them themselves. I feel sorry for you and your poor mother, and I'm very glad that you have more sense about when to have kids than your sister and BIL do.

Sweeper1985 − NTA at all. They both need a reality check around their entitled behaviour. You are right about everything you said. It is NOT your mother's job to care for their child and they clearly have no insight into how their failure to accept responsibility as parents has impacted everyone around them.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. But I’m really curious about what culture y’all are from? I live in a country where it’s common place for grandparents to take care of children. But the parents are expected to take care of the grandparents in return

Cry_Original − NTA by a long shot. I cannot believe the entitlement from your sister thinking its her moms job to raise her child. She should be raising her own kid and her mum shouldn't be enabling her.

Your views on having kids are just that - your own, which are right for you. Some may disagree with your views, but that doesn't mean your views are wrong though.

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RobloYT − NTA. Hmm I see a -10/10 on my butthole meter (your a good person) your taking care of yours sisters kid for free 3 hours a day, and her dog I might add, on he other hand your sister, she is super entitled, 'that's what grandparents are for' their is a reason they are called 'grand' parents,

they are sold and can't do all the work like when they were young, she had her kid, then just gave it to your mom to take care and teach the basic stuff and potty train and stuff, so when he is semi grown they can have the fun with the baby but expect you and your mom to make the roots of its childhood, 8/10 buttholes for your sister on my meter

[Reddit User] − Oh my god this poor kid. He got abandoned by his pRents who visit him twice a month(!!?). And your poor mom. Your sister and BIL are deadbeats. And they have the gall to tell you anything? They shouldn’t have the kid at all rather. NTA

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[Reddit User] − South asian culture is taking care of your parents and your parents would look after your children during the day bcs you are working. They are taking advantage of your mom's south asian mindset.

How are they fine with burdening your mom like this Tell them that if they can't care for their own child,you'll call CPS and have the child taken bcs they aren't supporting their own kid. They VISIT THEIR OWN KID TWICE A MONTH,they aren't parents. NTA

Sparrow-42 − NTA you are right. Don't have kids if you aren't ready to raise them. Pretty simple.

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ohmoimarie − NTA - your sister and BIL basically admitted they’re not good enough to be parents and can’t take care of their own kid and then get mad at you for saying you want to be a good parent that takes care of their own kids. .

gemma545 − NTA there's two of them and they can't take care of one kid? What blind AHs

These reactions are pure Reddit gold—bold and brassy—but do they cut to the core, or just stir the pot? One thing’s clear: the crowd felt the woman’s frustration loud and clear.

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This saga of childcare chaos and sisterly spats exposes the weight of family expectations. Was the woman wrong to call out her sister’s parenting, or was her honesty a wake-up call? Reddit backed her stand, but the path forward demands tough talks. If you were stuck balancing family duty and personal beliefs, what would you do? Drop your stories and hot takes below—let’s keep this family feud chat rolling!

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