AITA for telling my sister it”s not my fault she’s not more prepared?

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Picture a quiet evening, a family grappling with life’s heaviest questions, and a conversation that spirals into hurt. One Redditor faced this when their sister, a single mom, asked them to be her son’s guardian if tragedy struck. With a daughter requiring constant care for severe disabilities, the Redditor said no, sparking a raw exchange about responsibility and planning.

This Reddit AITA post dives into the heart of family duty and tough love. Was the Redditor too blunt in calling out their sister’s unpreparedness, or was the sister unfair to expect so much? Let’s unpack this emotional tug-of-war.

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‘AITA for telling my sister it”s not my fault she’s not more prepared?’

Three years ago, my sister used a sperm donor to get pregnant and now has my nephew. She’s an amazing mom, who works hard to give them a nice life. Recently, however, she came to me and my wife, saying that if anything happened to her, she’d want to us to take care of my nephew.

My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter who has the mental capacity of a 2 year old and a host of medical conditions. She will never be able to live independently and has a short life expectancy (odds are, she won’t live past 20). As it is, we have decided to not have more kids because we don’t think it’d be fair when all of our attention goes to our daughter.

We told my sister this and said we would not make good guardians for this reason. My sister got very upset and said we were all she had. Neither of us have a relationship with our parents (for obvious reasons). She’s a single mom, so it’s not like she has a partner who’s family can step in (we have a relative on my wife’s side who would take our daughter if we passed).

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She says she doesn’t have any friends that are close enough to ask this. I said I was sorry but we cannot make that commitment. I’m not asking if we’re the TA for this, but rather what I said later. My sister would not let this go and kept saying she was panicking.

I told her it’s not like she’s going to die anytime soon and also, she chose to become a single mother. She didn’t have to consult with us to have this kid, but she shouldn’t have had this expectation. I continued to say it's not my fault she's unprepared.. My sister is mad at me. My wife says I could've handled it better. AITA?. ​

Edit: Many of you are saying 'You would really send your blood into the system???', I don't think you realize how dire our situation is. We are barely getting by financially, even with assistance from the state. My wife can't work as the nurses can only work so many hours. We'd take my nephew in if my sister died, but it'd be temporary until we found a permanent solution. The only way we'd be able to take him on permanently is if our daughter passed.. ​

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Edit 2: Finances aren't the only issue. Physically and emotionally, it just won't work. Our daughter requires all of our attention and care. It wouldn't be fair to either kid. We'd be more than happy to be beneficiaries so he would get money and benefits. But we cannot raise him. And we told her that.. ​

Edit 3: If myself and my wife die before our child, she will go to my wife's sister and husband. This is something they've agreed to. And again: finances are not the only issues. I don't think foster system is the best choice but it wold be our only choice. Our nephew would not have his needs met in our house.

This sibling showdown is a gut-punch of competing responsibilities. The Redditor’s life revolves around their daughter’s intensive needs, while the sister, a single mom, faces the scary reality of planning for her son’s future. Both are stretched thin, but the sister’s expectation landed like a poorly timed bombshell.

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Caregiving for a disabled child is all-consuming. A 2022 National Alliance for Caregiving report found 60% of caregivers for children with disabilities report high emotional stress, often limiting their capacity for additional responsibilities. The Redditor’s refusal, while harsh, reflects this reality, prioritizing their daughter’s care.

Dr. Barry Prizant, a special needs expert, notes, “Families with disabled children often face impossible choices, balancing love with practical limits.” The Redditor’s blunt words about their sister’s choice to become a single mom stung, but they underscore a truth: major decisions need backup plans.

The sister could explore legal options, like a trust or co-guardians, while the Redditor might soften the blow with support, like helping research solutions.

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Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit didn’t hold back, tossing out opinions with the spice of a family feud. Here’s what the community served up:

mzpljc − NTA. It isn't your fault, and she IS unprepared. She *should* have thought about this before intentionally becoming a single mother. She didn't accidentally get pregnant, she planned this situation, poorly. If her plan was for you guys to take the kid, she should have asked you before getting pregnant,

especially considering the situation with your daughter. Also, I know you didn't request, but NTA for not agreeing to take the kid as well. You have perfectly valid reasons, and even if you didn't, it is ridiculous for someone to expect someone else to take a child they didn't ask for or help create.

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revanchisto − NTA. Honestly shocked at these yes responses. Your hands are full with your daughter. Your sister knows this. She knows she doesn't have any close friends. And yet still chose to be a single mother. Now when you point out the obvious impracticality of the situation when it comes to you caring for her kid she acts surprised and upset? And no, you shouldn't lie and say yes to keep her happy. She needs to know the truth and act accordingly.

NewRedSpyder − NTA- She CHOSE to get a sperm donor. She should’ve been prepared way beforehand.

Natural_Cranberry761 − I’m going to go with NTA. You were straightforward with her about your situation. It sounds like you have way too much on your plate. I think you could have handled it better, but I doubt there was a way to do it tactfully. Perhaps the way to rectify it would be to let her know you’d take her son temporarily,

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and/or she could list you as the very last people in her will that would take her son. (You really can/should list multiple folks, if for some reason something happens with your first choice guardian). And even though she doesn’t have a super close friend, she might be surprised if she asked her closest one that they may say yes to being a guardian

Inner_Goose4664 − Nta. Don't they screen for this before doing ivf from sperm donations and all that? They ask a bunch of questions to see if there's a support system in place. Did your sister just lie through the whole evaluation? I have a cousin with extensive medical needs, I understand that you're in dire straights.

Some of these people are the, 'but we're family' guilt trip type of people. Unfortunately, you can't choose family but you can choose to prioritize yourself and your family. She should set up a trust and make arrangements for her child. Just like you'd have to do if your child outlived you, God willing.

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that_jedi_girl − NTA.. You could have handled it better, yeah, but your sister put you in an impossible situation.

[Reddit User] − NAH you really just can’t handle it, but you could have had a better more productive conversation. Once tempers have cooled, I’d ask if she has life insurance. That would at least take the financial hardship off whoever ends up with the child (if you’re in the US I’d suggest a special needs trust for you and your wife instead)

scoobysnax15 − This whole situation sucks, but NTA. Your decision is really good parenting. I work in special ed and see families with neurotypical kids either n**lect their disabled kid, or n**lect the NT. Not always, but often enough to take note. If you know this now, you are a good person and great parent.. Again, NTA.

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AkiliosTheWolf − NTA. It's not your responsibility.

KSknitter − NTA. I do worry though that she might not be telling yoy something though. Could she have cancer and not be telling you?

These Reddit takes range from “tough but fair” to “ouch, that was cold.” Are they cutting through the noise or just adding to it?

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This family clash lays bare the raw edges of love, duty, and limits. The Redditor drew a line to protect their daughter, but their sharp words left scars. The sister’s panic is real, yet her lack of a plan isn’t her brother’s burden. Could a gentler talk have eased the sting? What would you do when family asks too much? Drop your take in the comments!

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