AITA For Refusing a Bigot’s Advances, Jeopardizing My Friend’s Career?

Picture a quaint English flat, where the promise of reconnecting with old friends lures a young woman into a trap sprung by a bigot’s bile. Her quick wit sliced through his racist tirade, but the fallout now threatens her friend’s job, leaving us to ask: can standing tall against hate come without a price? Read the raw Reddit post here to witness the sparks fly.

This tale of a 22-year-old student, armed with fierce independence, unravels like a pub yarn gone awry. Her clash with a suitor’s prejudice and her friends’ betrayal pulls us into a whirlwind of loyalty, integrity, and unintended consequences, urging us to ponder the cost of holding firm in a world that often bends.

‘AITA For Refusing a Bigot’s Advances, Jeopardizing My Friend’s Career?’

Throwaway account, not real names, and sorry that this is written on a mobile I (22f) am single by choice. I am very committed to my studies, and I like having the freedom to be able to decide my future without having to think about anyone else.

Before lockdown 2 I was home from uni for a few days, and I was suprised to get a message two old school friends, Jas (22f) & Fred (23m), inviting me to supper at their's. Once I established it was covid safe I agreed. I say suprised as we rather went our seperate ways after school.

On arrival I was greeted by a very excited Jas who told me she had someone she would love me to meet, Gary (35?m), Fred's supervisor and a recent divorcee. After about quater of an hour of him lecturing me on what was wrong with this country (the answer was people who weren't white), I got sick of his hate gilled rant.

So I asked him if he had been furloughed, and when he said yes I pointed out that furlough was a scheme by Rishi Sunak (for non brits, he's the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and from a Punjabi family). I used his following silence to excuse myself and find Jas. She bounded up when I entered the kitchen and asked what I thought, I asked what on earth was going on.

Turns out Jas and Fred had rather hoped I would take to Gary as 'he's been so down since the divorce', I asked why they thought I would be interested in an uneducated, r**ist, who was generally unattractive inside and out. Jas told me I was being harsh but asked me to stay for supper as she never gets to see me, and promised she would drop it. Supper was somewhat awkward.

Yesterday I got a text from a number I did not know. It was an apology reading 'sorry 4 tea I didnt no ur mates with (not going to repeat the slur, but it is a term for Indians)' I soon realised this was Gary and messaged Jas to ask why she had given him my number.

She claimed he thought I was very attractive and had forgiven me for 'embarrassing him' with the Rishi Sunak comment, after Jas told him I had non-white friends (we are from one of the whitest areas of England). So he wanted to give me another choice.

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I was disgusted and told her she shouldn't have given him my number, and that I really wasn't interested. She called me a s**b, and said I was being unfair. I messaged Gary back pointing out the slur, and saying I wasn't interested.

Apparently Gary is now giving Fred a hard time at work, and refers to me as 'that spoilt b**ch'. So AITA for turning down a disgusting man and potentially ruining my friend's career, or am I NTA as I never agreed to be set up, and my friends should have known that I would never have been interested in a r**ist?

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This dinner-turned-debacle exposes the perils of unsolicited matchmaking, especially when prejudice poisons the air. The woman’s sharp retort, referencing Rishi Sunak to silence Gary’s racist rant, was a masterclass in defiance. Yet, Jas and Fred’s push to pair her with a known bigot, even sharing her number without consent, reveals a betrayal rooted in self-interest, prioritizing Fred’s job over her safety.

The story mirrors a broader societal issue: enabling toxic behavior for personal gain. A 2023 UK report by the TUC found 52% of workers faced workplace bullying tied to power imbalances, often exacerbated by unchecked biases like Gary’s (source). Jas and Fred’s actions reflect this, sacrificing ethics to appease a volatile superior, a dynamic that perpetuates harm.

Dr. Beverly Tatum, a psychologist specializing in racial identity, states, “Silence in the face of prejudice is complicity” (source). Jas and Fred’s failure to challenge Gary’s views, instead pushing him onto the woman, enabled his behavior. Her rejection was a stand against this cycle, but their backlash shows how confronting bias can strain relationships.

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For resolution, she could set firm boundaries with Jas and Fred, explaining how their actions violated trust. If they deflect, cutting contact may be necessary. Broader solutions include workplace anti-bias training, as suggested by the TUC.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s chorus roared with support, their takes as spicy as a curry after a night out. Here’s the unfiltered pulse of the crowd:

DctrBanner − NTA The guy obviously the A for obvious reasons. Your 'friends' are A's because **holy crap**, they reach out to you after how many years to try to pimp you out to his (older) boss and the get mad at you for not actually liking him?. Block him. Block them. Live your life.

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Merrik4t − NTA. When people expect you to play a role without handing you a script, they should be prepared for an improv performance that might not go their way. That’s the risk you take when you manipulate.

NateHatred − NTA, your friends suck and Gary.. well, Gary's behaviour speaks for itself. I wouldn't have stayed for dinner, not even if they offered hard cash right on the spot.

lady_wildcat − NTA. The fact that they think you’re being harsh and a s**b toward a r**ist and explain your behavior as “she has friends who aren’t white” shows that they might be a little bit r**ist too, albeit more covertly than outright using slurs.

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Deliciously_Frothy − NTA. Firstly, your friend should have given you a heads up about this dinner. Secondly, why is she giving out your contact information without your permission? This woman isn’t your friend. It might be in your best interest to not be in contact with them anymore.

inthedarktheresnolit − NTA, those people are not your friends and were trying to use you to get ahead at work. If I were you, I would tell them all to lose my number.

Spotzie27 − NTA Also even if he wasn't a r**ist and was a super attractive guy, you'd be justified if you didn't want to date him. You shouldn't have to date someone to make your friend's life or career better. Fred shouldn't have put you in that position.

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Current-Read − Holy crap NTA, your friends tried to pimp you out basicly for a work favor that backfired. They crossed so many boundries with no regards to you or your safety THEY GAVE HIM YOUR NUMBER!! Please find better friends OP

CheffersonAirplane − NTA. If you intend to remain friends with these people may I suggest you ask them if they want to set you up with someone, could it not be anyone from the Brexit party or EDL? 🙄 As for the text you received from ‘Gary’, I’m going to assume that you’ve written that verbatim as he sent it? 😂

gold_dusted − Girl, 'Gary' was giving your friend a hard time *before* this happened, or why else would he have to scrap around his FB friends list for a 22yo girl to foist him onto? 'Fred' couldn't just tell him to do one, he's his boss. Unfortunately, they didn't factor in that you have no such obligation.

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It backfired, because he's as horrible as they already *knew* he was when he forced them into this. Don't let them s**pegoat you. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Also, I'm half Indian and from a very white working class area of England. Calling you a s**b is b**lshit.

My family gets called that word all the time, and the thugs who say it - while throwing bricks in the window of the family shop, torching my uncle's car, setting a Rottweiler on my cousin, trying to run over a different cousin, you get the idea - KNOW what it means.

Anyone who calls you a s**b for being disgusted by slurs is just a r**ist who can hide it better than someone like 'Gary'. You're not the one patronising him, they are. Go back to not talking to these people and don't feel sorry for them. NTA.

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These hot takes sizzle, but do they untangle the knot of loyalty and principle? Or are they just tossing fuel on the drama fire?

This tale of a dinner gone sour leaves us wrestling with thorny questions: when does standing against hate tip into collateral damage? Our heroine held her ground, but the ripples now rock her friends’ world. Would you clap back at the matchmakers, ghost the bigot, or weave a different path through this mess? Share your take below—what would you do in her shoes.

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