AITA for not telling people what my ethnicity is?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a bustling Manhattan café, the clink of coffee cups pauses as a casual question sours the mood. A woman, born and raised in New York, fields the all-too-familiar probe: “Where are you really from?” Her playful dodge—naming her childhood cross streets—irks her friend’s husband, who calls her evasive. For this Chinese-Filipino Redditor, sidestepping ethnicity queries from strangers isn’t secrecy; it’s a shield against clumsy assumptions that make her feel like an outsider in her own city.

This tale of identity and defiance stirs a broader question: why do some feel entitled to know another’s heritage? As her friend urges her to “just answer,” the Reddit community dives into a lively debate about microaggressions and personal boundaries. With sharp wit and raw honesty, this story invites us to explore the delicate dance of belonging in a diverse world.

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‘AITA for not telling people what my ethnicity is?’

So, on Reddit I disclose pretty often when it's relevant to a conversation, that I am Chinese & Filipino. In person, I will discuss it with Asians if it comes up, but when (almost always) white people try to figure out what ethnicity I am, I don't answer.

It started because these questions inevitably come in two rude forms: 'Where are you from?' (I was born and raised in New York! 'But where are you REALLY from?' Manhattan!) and 'What are you?' (Human being!). If a friend or coworker gets to know me it obviously eventually comes up naturally, so it's not like I'm keeping my ethnicity a secret,

but now I just decline to answer. I've discussed this with other non-white friends and we all basically agree with the Hari Kondabalu bit where he says that this question really means, 'Why aren't you white?'

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Recently, I had a really awkward moment with a friend's husband where he asked me where I was from and he became really annoyed and offended that I wouldn't answer or was 'playing games' (because I answered where I was from with the cross streets in Manhattan where I grew up). His wife later told me that I should just answer people.

Dodging nosy questions about ethnicity shouldn’t spark a showdown, but for this Redditor, it’s a social tightrope. Their refusal to answer “Where are you really from?” reflects a stand against microaggressions—subtle slights that signal “you don’t belong.” By citing their Manhattan roots, they assert their American identity, yet the friend’s husband’s annoyance reveals a clash of expectations.

This dynamic isn’t unique. A 2021 Pew Research study found 42% of Asian Americans report being asked about their origins in ways that feel alienating, often by white individuals unaware of the impact. The OP’s selective openness—sharing with Asians or close friends—shows they’re not hiding but protecting their peace. The husband’s reaction suggests discomfort with being denied information he feels entitled to.

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Dr. Derald Wing Sue, a psychologist specializing in microaggressions, explains, “Questions like ‘Where are you from?’ can imply someone isn’t a ‘real’ American, even if unintended” (Microaggressions in Everyday Life). His work highlights why the OP’s boundary is valid: it challenges assumptions rooted in racial curiosity. The friend’s advice to “just answer” minimizes the issue, ignoring its emotional weight.

To move forward, the OP could calmly explain how such questions feel, fostering understanding without confrontation. For others, reframing curiosity—asking about cultural traditions rather than origins—builds connection without offense. This approach respects personal boundaries while encouraging dialogue, proving identity doesn’t need to be a battleground.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit rolled up with a mix of fist bumps and raised eyebrows, serving spicy takes on this ethnicity standoff. From clapping back at rude phrasing to debating intent, here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

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DogsReadingBooks − NTA. You’re from New York. Why should he care where your ancestors are from?

Maaanwhocares − NTA, happens to me with new people sometimes. I say London, they ask where are you reaaally from, I reply London and that’s the end of that part of the conversation. Anyone getting angry or telling you to just answer when you’ve already answered can f**k off really.

twopinkgiraffes − NTA Some people are so rude. Including your friend who chose to come back to you with the “just answer” response. She should have just set her husband straight.

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Mayzerify − I live in Scotland. People ask me where I am originally from, I tell them, I don't assume they hate me because I'm not from their country or ethnicity. When people ask about me like that I assume they are just interested and want to get to know me and my history, not that they harbour grudges against me for not being from the country I live in.

intheinterestofmany − I'm not going to say a**hole or not, I'm just going to say that while maybe it's not phrased right, maybe people are genuinely interested to know. Instead of being difficult, maybe just educate them on how to ask the appropriate way? It's like, people really are interested in these things,

and I know there is a proper way to ask and sometimes people should be softly corrected? To summarize: all the resistance and pressure and attitude based around race and ethnicity does way more harm than just trying to relate to one another.

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Snappylobster − YTA. I’m Chinese and White and you’re being a baby. The fact that you actively disclose your ethnicity to other asians but then shut out all white people simply because of past experiences that don’t even involve them is dumb.

People ask me those questions sometimes. What do I do? I answer them because 99% of the time they’re not even trying to be rude they just phrase it weirdly. Plus I’m also proud of my background and not so close minded that I shut out white people.

[Reddit User] − NTA at all, there’s no need for casual acquaintances to have your detailed family history, and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t accept your first answer when you say you’re from New York. They probably don’t understand the concept of microagressions, but they’re basically reminding you that they don’t think you’re a real American and/or don’t belong here, and that’s wrong.

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grapewelch − I'm a dark-skinned first-generation American with immigrant parents. YTA. I also used to give these 'clever' types of answers to the same questions which I was growing up. It was, and still is, very important to me that locals perceive me to be as American as they are, since this is the only home I've ever known and it can hurt when people suggest that the US is something that is or should be foreign to me.

This vulnerability is why I always felt the need to really hammer the point home that I'm from X state, but no really, I'm from the suburbs of Y city. But once I went to NYC for college, the environment changed but the questions stayed the same.

For anyone reading who doesn't get that implication, New York City is absolutely many shades darker on average and your daily life is often filled with black and brown and bronze as much as alabaster. Further than that, even a lot of the white-skinned people surrounding you are 'ethnic white', oftentimes an immigrant or first-generation

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Russian or Greek or Swede who speaks their parents' tongue fluently instead of, or in addition to, English. They *all* ask me 'what are you', even if they're brown from Guyana, bronze from Trinidad, black from the Ivory Coast, or a creamy white from Albania.

They ask it of me especially if they're a similar hue and tone as me, hoping that I'm an immigrant like them so they feel like they have an ally in this unfamiliar land, or a first-gen like them so that we can connect about what must be our similar upbringing, or something further reaching so they can satisfy their curiosity about why we look so similar but maybe sound so different.

They also ask it of me if they're WASPs in New York City; why? Because it's often a talking point of the other non-whites in their lives and they're looking to make a connection. 'Oh, you're Z ethnicity? That's real cool, my girlfriend is from a Z family, blah blah,' and then they pull out a reference or recite a bit of the language they've learned or whatever.

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I don't want to slap down genuine attempts to try to get to know me better. The vast majority of WASPs who ask me 'where are you from' are not approaching me to demand an explanation as to 'why I'm not white'; they're just being friendly.

You and I and the millions of dark-skinned peoples in America, *do* make it unnecessarily awkward when we continually pretend that we don't understand their question (and yeah, I too find it \*tiring\* to answer it, but that doesn't make it an assholish question).

If they ask me where I'm from, I've found it's **so easy** to just say, 'I was born in X state, but my parents are from Z country,' and there's no awkwardness, hostilities, or misunderstanding of what I consider my homeland and what my ethnic background is.

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When people present the question as, 'what are you?', yeah, it's not the best phrasing, but it's still an innocuous question. When they ask, 'but what are you REALLY from,' it's definitely the wrong way to think of heritage/ethnicity, and that's when I get the momentary flutter of darkness that they might not view me as American...

but that problematic phrasing of the question is usually not what they would have actually meant—they're likely just similarly tired of the ring-around that your first answer gave, and simply not doing a good job articulating.

That's also why I phrase my answer as, 'I'm from here, but my parents come from there,' so that I reinforce the idea of where I'm really from and I expect that unconsciously sticks for them in the long run.. I also don't educate white people for free anymore. This might seem cute, but this is why the problems stay problems, and why I voted on your post the way I did.

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Korooo − NTA. That said I think it's fine to ask where your relatives originally come from (I have no idea how to phrase that in english), since it's most of the time an interesting topic if people still have family there, speak the language... imo different cultures are extremely interesting,

and someone that has grandparents or something like that in another country they visit can explain this in a unique way. It's likely not intended as an offensive question but could be phrased better, especially after pointing that out with your first answer.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I'm not sure why people feel so entitled to that information, and why, if they think it's such a tame question, they're scared of asking 'so what kind of Asian are you exactly?'

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Redditors mostly backed the OP, cheering their boundary-setting while calling out intrusive questions. Some urged empathy for curious askers, but others saw the husband’s huff as a red flag. Are these takes cutting through the noise or adding to it?

This Manhattan showdown reminds us that questions about identity can hit harder than they seem. The OP’s stand—rooted in pride and frustration—sparks a conversation about belonging in a melting pot. As friends and strangers navigate these waters, empathy and awareness could smooth the ripples. Have you ever faced a question that made you feel “othered”? Share your story—what would you do in this Redditor’s shoes?

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