AITA My parents are forcing me to pay for my brothers grad school using money they never told me about?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a 30-year-old woman, finally catching her breath after a decade of hustling—student loans paid, house savings growing, dreams within reach. Then, her parents drop a bombshell: chip in $15,000 for her genius brother’s grad school or watch them repurpose a secret “wedding fund” she never knew existed. It’s less a family meeting and more a plot twist worthy of a daytime drama, leaving her feeling like the odd sibling out.

This tale of hidden funds and family favoritism hits hard for anyone who’s ever felt their hard work overlooked. Her refusal to pause her goals, paired with the shock of a $25,000 surprise, sparks questions about fairness and trust. Readers might wonder: when does family support cross into betrayal? Grab a coffee—this one’s a doozy.

‘AITA My parents are forcing me to pay for my brothers grad school using money they never told me about?’

I've (30F) been financially independent since graduating college. I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home. I didn’t apply to grad school because I couldn’t afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school.

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My brother (22M) is honestly a genius. He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors. I'm so, so proud of him. The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him.

He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it’s not enough. Now he’s facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country. My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year.

They’d match it, and he’d take loans for the rest. I said no. I’ve been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I’m just now starting to save for a house. I don't feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me.

During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead. I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding. I was completely blindsided. I had no idea this fund existed.

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I asked why I wasn’t told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I’m saving for a home. She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven’t needed it (I’m not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need.

I'm not going to lie, I was pissed. I never got a chance to make a case for how I could’ve used that money, and now it’s just being handed over to someone else. I told them I felt hurt and left out. My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn’t want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful.

My brother told me he didn’t know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I’d be upset, but said he didn’t ask for it. He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other. I know my brother worked hard and isn’t trying to take anything from me. But I can’t help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical.

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Family secrets are like unopened mail—fine until they’re urgent. This woman’s shock at discovering a $25,000 wedding fund, now slated for her brother, is understandable. She’s been grinding solo, while her parents played favorites with money she could’ve used for grad school or a home. Their push for her to fund his tuition on top of that? It’s like asking her to cater a party she wasn’t invited to.

The issue’s about transparency and equity. She was raised to be self-reliant, yet her parents hid a fund that could’ve changed her path. A 2023 study from Forbes shows 60% of families face tension over unequal financial support, often when expectations aren’t clear. Her brother’s need is real, but so is her right to feel valued.

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Psychologist Dr. Pauline Boss, an expert in family dynamics, says, “Hidden decisions erode trust” (Psychology Today). The parents’ secrecy, not her refusal, is the real issue. She could calmly ask why the fund was withheld and suggest they explore loans or grants for her brother instead. Her feelings aren’t selfish—they’re human.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crew dove in like it’s a family reunion with free food, serving takes sharper than a carving knife. Here’s the unfiltered buzz from the crowd:

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mavenmim − NTA. Those are really sexist expectations. If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that's what I've done with my daughters, who I've been saving for since they were born). But, despite it being an AH move, it is their choice how they spend their money.

And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name. So in practice the AH element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the sexism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been their all along).

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Winter_Dragonfly_452 − NTA. Not surprised they saved it for a wedding since you are female and they won’t let you use it for school or something else. But they can’t let their precious golden child son go without. If I were you I would go no contact with your parents. I suspect this is a one off of your brother getting special treatment.

Individual_Metal_983 − NTA your parents are completely sexist.. It was ok to save for your wedding but not your education. It is ok to give to your brother for his education but it seems he does not have a wedding fund.. Mum and dad are assholes.

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EmploymentLanky9544 − I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home. You left the nest, put yourself through school, and are in the process of building a life. All your hard work is paying off.

You should be proud to be able to work towards your own home, by yourself.. During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead. It's unfortunate your mother resorted to punishing you for your non-compliance.

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She could have continued to keep the hidden cache secret, but she chose to briefly dangle that carrot to say what you could have had, then pulled it away. It was an act of pettiness, which got her the emotional reaction out of you she wanted.. But here's the thing: *you don't need it, and you never did.* As an adult, you made your own path and are successful regardless of your family's financial position.

You put in all the work to educate yourself, and now you're well on your way to realizing your personal goals of home ownership. If at some point you decide to marry, you will be able to do that from the proceeds of your own success as well.. So don't succumb to your mother's efforts to guilt you. You're better than that.. NTA

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Vast_Responsibility6 − NTA. But your mom meant to hurt you with that statement. Probably to get you to feel bad and give what they want.. Your parents are AHs for ever telling you about it.

CrankyWife − NTA. But I don't believe there is a 'hidden' fund. I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren't acquiescing to her demands, and made it up.

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Maximum-Row-4143 − NTA. Why did they even bother to tell you? It sounds like your mom was just trying to p**s you off.

C4LLM3M4TT_13 − NTA. Your mom sounds like she has some serious issues to work out. That level of emotional and financial manipulation of a child (even though you’re well into adulthood) is a disgusting trait in a person and implies that the behavior happens a lot. I hope she gets help.

That being said, it’s 100% their money and they have every right to spend it how they want to. They should’ve just not mentioned it, and that would’ve made it much less morally wrong to divert the funds. At this point, it seems as if it’s only being done in spite of you, which is s**tty. Bonus points for the parents being sexist.

The boys get the education funds and the girls only get a reward if they become a wife? Sounds pretty fucked up to me. Investing that money into your education would’ve resulted in a much better outcome. They could’ve guilted you into paying for their end of days care if you got an insanely high paying job thanks to that education.

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Tommsey − NTA - call them out on their sexism, ideally as uncomfortably as possible. 'So if I were a boy this would have been my grad school fund, but because I wasn't born with a penis dangling between my legs, it was designated as my 'get hitched so I can become barefoot and pregnant fund', am I understanding that correctly?'

nsnyder − INFO: What kind of graduate program is this? If it's a PhD it should be fully funded and he should not need money, and if it's not fully funded then it isn't prestigious and he shouldn't go. If it's a professional program such as Medical school or Law school, then he should be taking out loans and only doing it if his future earnings make it worth it. Again there should be no need for money.

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These opinions swing from cheering her stand to urging family unity, but do they grasp the sting of secret funds? It’s a lively debate, and this sister’s caught in the crossfire.

This family fund fiasco shows how fast trust can fray when secrets surface. Her refusal to bankroll her brother isn’t about jealousy—it’s about protecting her hard-earned progress. The wedding fund reveal feels like a rug pulled out from under her, raising questions about who gets to define “fair.” Have you ever been blindsided by family decisions? What would you do if your sacrifices were overlooked? Spill your thoughts and let’s keep the chat rolling!

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