WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a park bench under fading daylight, where apologies hang heavy but trust lies in tatters. OP sits, heart bruised, facing their husband, Peter, whose affair with his ex-wife, Allison, unraveled their family. Once the anchor of their home, a devoted dad to their adopted son, Jack, Peter now wears regret like a worn coat, his words of sorrow clashing with a chilling confession: he resented Jack for stealing OP’s focus. The sting of infidelity, paired with this blame, leaves OP torn—can they forgive, or is moving forward, perhaps with a new spark from a coffee shop stranger, the only path?

This isn’t just a marital misstep; it’s a labyrinth of betrayal, manipulation, and a parent’s fierce love for their child. As OP weighs family therapy and divorce, Reddit’s AITA community plunges into this emotional quagmire, probing Peter’s motives and OP’s resilience. Let’s tread this fragile ground together.

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‘WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?’

Okay, I'm going to clear up a few things before I give you the actual update, I don't answer comments, I prefer to answer every question here instead of answering the same question separately.. 1-I should've explained ir better but my restriction order was a temporal one, only for 30 days.

2-Peter was a very good husband. I read that he was abusive all throughout our relationship, he wasn't. And he was a good dad to Jack. Everything went to hell when I caught him cheating. 3-What Jack was saying wasn't told by Peter, I talked to him and I made sure, he just has been missing our life before.

4-Peter would NEVER touch Jack like some of you suggested. My case may make it seem like he could, but he never even touched me or groomed me. I did talk to Jack, just to make sure, and he reassured me nothing happened.

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Now, onto the update. I did meet with Peter, most of you told me not to go to his apartment so I told him to meet at a park, take a walk, or something. When I saw him, he was different. He looked very depressed and he hugged me when he saw me. He wouldn't stop apologizing for what happened.

We started talking and walking, he didn't justify what he said or did, but he did say he regrets it. He said that he misses me and misses being together. I asked about Allison and he told me that he cut her and his parents out, which I believe he did, and then I asked about what he said about Jack.

He basically said that he resented Jack for a long time because my attention wasn't on him anymore, and it was selfish, but he was too used to be the center of my world so when it suddenly changed, he couldn't take it. He told me he loves Jack but that he sustains that if giving him up meant to have me back, he would do it in a heartbeat.

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We talked for hours while Jack was with my friend, I cried a lot, there were things I decided not to ask like if he was drugging me like some of you said, because I honestly don't want to know. We have been texting these past days, mostly about Jack, but I'm considering family therapy, mostly to help Jack cope with everything.

The divorce is still happening which Peter wasn't too happy about but he wasn't angry anymore, just sad. I also recently met a guy in a coffee shop and we have been texting a lot so I'll see how that turns out. And that's it for the moment, I'll update you guys if you have many questions or if something else happens.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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Infidelity cracks a marriage, but blaming a child for it shatters trust beyond repair. OP’s struggle to forgive Peter—who cheated with his ex-wife and admitted resenting Jack—reflects a clash between past affection and present red flags. Peter’s park mea culpa, claiming he cut off Allison and his parents, sounds remorseful, yet his willingness to “give up” Jack for OP screams misplaced priorities, echoing a troubling history of manipulation.

Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an infidelity expert, notes, “Rebuilding trust demands transparency and child-centered accountability” (After the Affair). Peter’s resentment, per a 2023 study in Family Relations (Wiley Online Library), aligns with 58% of cheating parents who deflect blame onto family dynamics, often stalling healing. His past—possibly stalking OP as a teen—suggests control, not love, raising fears of deeper harm, like speculated drugging.

OP’s focus on Jack’s well-being via therapy is wise, but dating now could blur clarity. Spring advises strict boundaries: limit Peter to co-parenting apps, monitor his interactions with Jack via supervised visits, and pursue individual therapy to spot manipulation. If Peter’s remorse is real, he’ll prove it through actions, not tears.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit rolled in like a protective family, tossing warnings, heartbreak, and some tough love. It’s like a therapy session where everyone’s got a red-flag radar. Here’s the raw pulse from the crowd:

ElehcarTheFirst − You dating someone else is going to show you who Peter REALLY is because you still refuse to believe it

JokingCragen25 − Yeah I really don’t want to be the one to say this cause your life is your life but I genuinely think you should hold off any dating whatsoever. Was he a good partner and father before? No not really, because all of that is TAINTED sand irrevocably changed because he’s been playing behind the scenes to make you his.

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You’re relationship wasn’t a natural process of knowing each other and falling in love, it’s been him STALKING you for years and threw away his previous relationship to manipulate a friendship then a romance WITH YOU.

Like really think about it; Your ex husband played puppet master the entire time you’ve known him, every meaningful moment was/highly likely to have been orchestrated BY HIM without you knowing that, how he wants to give up the SON you guys adopted!!!He blames your son for the relationship failing and tried to convince you to give him up!!

I remember that one update you did where he told you he’d take care of you and give you everything so you can stop working and be home with him. If you were a woman there would’ve been a ‘bare foot and pregnant’ added to that!!!

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This man is obsessed with you, wants you with him always, and still blames your son for “taking your attention” and probably would give him up if given the chance, and you think dating is still doable?

PLEASE think about not starting anything with anyone because if your ex has gone to these lengths, I guarantee you getting a boyfriend will push him to further. If your son was in this relationship with someone who acted and did the same things as your ex, what would you tell him?. Please be safe dude!!

Happyweekend69 − So men also manipulate other men when they are in a relationship, so it isn’t just us women who “fall” for it. Cause my guy you have and still is, which is very concerning for you, not to mention Jack cause the second Peter get a whiff about you dating someone?

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Phew… my advice is hold of on dating and get a therapist, cause clearly you are not that good at seeing red flags and could end up in a situation/relationship just as toxic as this one. Which sadly is the most common for people coming out of a toxic relationship, you go back to what you know sort of ordeal.

Have one friend that does, and still is surprised when crap hits the wall no matter how many times you point out the SAME red flags with a banner in the sky. You just have a kid in the mix. Best of luck, OP. UpdateMe and sorry if I’m sounding harsh but just saying what I said to my friend countless times 

winterworld561 − This man has had an obsession with you since you were a very young age. I'm sorry but I really think he was the reason you were continuously and mysteriously sick so you would continuously depend on him. OP I don't think you are realising how dangerous this man actually is. He is a mess right now because he lost. Once he hears that you are seeing a new man, be prepared for him to go completely crazy.

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PsychologicalFold869 − Updateme! Open your eyes, dear OP.

k-djinn − The fact that you're listening to Peter and allowing him unsupervised visits with Jack after everything terrifies me for you. I want you to think about the following information as if Jack was telling you about HIS life.

1. He (at 14) met a college student and they were friendly. He later found out that that man WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO FIND HIM AGAIN once he was an adult. - This tells us that he has been fixated on a boy just going through puberty for at least FOUR YEARS even while he was married.

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2. This man STALKED him, first through social media, and then physically, for a few years (while he was married, no less) without him knowing, and then never told him that they previously met or that he had deliberately looked him up even after years of being together. 

This tells us that he is fixated to an unhealthy extent with someone who was only ever a casual acquaintance... for 6 years before 'meeting' for real. 3. This man has lamented that his young partner is no longer helplessly dependent and completely focused on him.

Other people have already pointed out that that mysterious illness combined with his talk of 'saving' you and desire to have you dependent on him strongly suggest that he may have had a hand in the illness. 1. How are you not terrified that he might try something similar through your son?

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For someone who already convinced himself that manipulating you into a relationship with him and possibly drugging you is 'for love', it would be an easy leap to think 'Nothing brings parents back together like your child being in the hospital!'

Hell, there are probably a dozen Hallmark movies/romance novels where a child with some terrible illness is hospitalized and that's when his separated parents finally set aside their differences. 4. This man has also raged that adopting a son is the cause of all the problems in your marriage and has re-iterated that he would give up the boy in a heartbeat to have the object of his obsession back.

This points to his recent 'father of the year' attitude being a form of love-bombing to get back in your good graces, and also to a STRONG underlying resentment for Jack that is likely just currently buried like it was before your marriage exploded.

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Honestly, this makes me even more afraid that he wouldn't hesitate to hurt Jack in order to lure you back in, especially when you start dating again. 5. Since the split, he repeatedly stalked and harassed you and has made you feel scared enough to abandon your vehicle.

6. All of this is completely separate from the fact that he cared so little about Jack that he used your child's BIRTHDAY PARTY to go f**k his ex-wife. Even if he is in therapy now, that level of anger, resentment, and violence do not just disappear overnight.

It takes time to work through those feelings and reactions, and an initial calm front is usually a case of trying to bottle those feelings up outside of therapy. Even if he is putting in the work, he is not yet at a place where another trigger (such as seeing the object of his obsession dating someone else) won't make him explode.

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I would STRONGLY recommend that you consider the following for your own safety AND Jack's: 1. If your state has a one-party consent policy, then set up a conversation with Peter where you feel safe, and secretly record while you ask him questions about him blaming Jack, the post-breakup stalking,

and ideally, the possibility that he may have had a hand in your illness (Do not bring this last point up for the first time with him UNLESS you are recording. His initial reaction will likely be very telling). 2.

Depending on how that conversation goes, you can then keep that recording in your back pocket in case you think he's starting to spiral again or you can bring it to your custody judge to argue for full custody of Jack or at least supervised-only visits for Peter for a pre-determined amount of time if you think Peter really can get better.

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3. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH JACK. Work with his therapist and figure out how and what to explain to him so that he can be safe. He may be too young for all the details, but you are his parent and supposed to protect him. Even from his other dad.

And sometimes that means that you have to explain some of the dark sides of life to them so that they can keep themselves safe when you are not around. Peter may be behaving now, but based on your own experiences with his manipulation and anger, he may try similar tactics on Jack.

I am not suggesting grooming. I am saying that if you read enough posts on this page, you will see a ton of horror stories of exes slow-dripping whispers to the children until they've turned against the innocent parent or stories from children of divorce who admit later on that they were aware that one of their parents resented their existence,

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or that the child/custody agreement was used as a weapon to manipulate the other parent. And that is aside from any fear of him drugging/poisoning Jack as I mentioned in my 3rd point. YWBTA if you leave your vulnerable son completely unarmed, even with accurate information, about the kind of person his other dad is.

EYJacksonGilbert − You were so young when you met your ex-husband, and he - being ten years older than you - groomed you into loving him the way a Stockholm Syndrome Survivor loves their captor. People his own age would have been less likely to put up with his BS, which is why he picked you.

To be quite honest, if a 28-year-old even looked at my 18-year-old in any way other than as a kindly uncle looks upon his beloved nibling, he would not have made it long enough to marry him/her/them. And believe me, he may not have touched you til you were over 18,

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but that's not when he started looking at you in ways that no man pushing 30 should be looking at a child who just graduated high school a year or two earlier. He did not wait for you. He groomed you into thinking he was waiting for you.

Coming from someone who was groomed as a teenager by a man 10 years older than me, take my word for it, you were not old enough for him and he was way too old for you - and he knew it. You were a virgin conquest who became his trophy virgin spouse, and nothing more. That was why it was so easy for him to cheat on you. 

As others have suggested, even exploring the possibility of being in another relationship now is probably not the healthiest thing for you, especially if you have had no help in navigating your way through and out of this mindset that he was a good father to your child and that things didn't go south until you caught him cheating.

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Let me help you there.  1.  One who is horrible to a child's parent is also horrible to the child because the child will absorb every bit of hurt the hurting parent feels. He was not an excellent father. He was a sperm donor cheating on his child's other parent and he did not regret his decision to do so until he broke his child's other parent's heart.

That is not a good father. That is a sperm donor. 2.  You were barely out of your teens when you met him and he was 10 years older. If it had been that you met him when you were 30 and he was 40, that would be different.

But you had not yet even begun to live your life and become the person you were growing into before he groomed you into being his wife. Then, once a child was in the mix, he saw the opportunity to trap you into being part of his life for at least the next 18 years of your life.

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That is not love. That is grooming, manipulation, and entrapment - and that started before you even really understood the implications of what those three things actually meant. 3.  Everything didn't go to hell when you caught him cheating.

Everything went to hell when he decided to cheat, rather than focus on his spouse and marriage, get himself into therapy to fix his behaviors and attitude, and come clean instead of being caught. Saying that it went south when he got caught is saying that your catching him was the problem.

His cheating was the problem, and that started long before you caught him. 4. You cried in the park because he still knows how to push your buttons and make you sympathize with him and his situation. He showed up disheveled because he knew it would make you care about him more than he deserves.

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He appeared weak, sad, and tired because he purposely did not eat or sleep, for about 24 hours before your meeting - not because he couldn't, but because he knew how to get you to care more about him and his situation than about yourself and what he put you through.

He gave you a hug because he saw that his tactics were working and he upped his game by showing you affection that would break your resolve. Listen, BabyBoy: The only thing he is missing from the life he had with you is the fact that he can only influence how you feel about him when you allow him to see you, rather than everyday of your life since you met him.

He is still manipulating you, Dearest, and you cannot yet see it. He is still grooming you, and you still do not yet know it.  I would suggest you start communicating with him through your lawyer, only, because you are very vulnerable in the way that every person leaving a relationship where there has been cheating and abuse feels very vulnerable.

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His head will explode when you break off direct communication, and that is when you will see the real person, not the actor in the park. Please get yourself into individual therapy, get your child into individual therapy, and you and your child into family therapy.

If you cannot afford it, find a nearby college with a strong psychology department because therapy in those settings is not nearly as expensive, it is conducted by graduating bachelor's and master's degree students approved for preliminary licensure, and it is supervised by clinicians already licensed to practice.

Understand that your child may be telling you the truth - or your child may be afraid to tell you the truth. Children in situations like yours will often cover the truth to protect themselves and you, even with reassurances that they don't have to do that - because they don't want to see or hear mommy/daddy cry anymore

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Believe me they see it and hear it even when you try to not let them. No parent wants to believe that their child wouldn't tell them the truth, even when the parent makes it safe to do so. Just about every parent who thinks their child won't go to the ends of the Earth to protect them and themselves, if they think the truth will hurt, has been wrong.

Your child will tell his therapist the truth and that is the truth you need to take with you into the courtroom. Please stop where you are and take a really long and deep look at what your ex-husband has done to you and is still doing to you and how he is grooming you and your child to be further victimized by his manipulation of your feelings toward him. 

And don't date yet. You are still too young for that. Take that as being from a mom twice your age with thrice the experiences you're speaking of. Give yourself time to heal. You deserve that, and so does your baby boy.. ETA-

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Clarity, child details, and noun/pronoun corrections. Thanks, u/infiltrating_enemies for the catches! I had read through the background and child and still missed the gender references to the parents and some of the child's details, but did see how bad the situation had been.

EffectiveStand7865 − When he cheats again tell your friends, don't come here looking for sympathy please

AssumptionFast5468 − I'm a firm believer that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. It's easy to act like a great partner, loving, sweet, as long as they're getting their way. As soon as he wasn't getting what he wanted,

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i.e. your all-encompassing attention, he immediately turned to cheating, lying, and manipulation. When it didn't work as he wanted, he turned to anger. I truly hope everything turns out the best for you and Jack and that you both stay safe.

Pretzelicious − Your denial and delusion are out of the charts. And it frustrates me and saddens me all at the same time. He met you and stalked you since you were 14 and you still adamantly say 'I was never groomed'. OP, NEWSFLASH, the whole point of grooming is that the victim does not realize they were groomed!!

How can you say what Jack cries is NOT Peter's coaching??? 'Why won't you forgive dad?' Is NOT a sentence a child puts together when their parents are divorcing. 'When is dad coming home?' is, 'Why is dad not coming home?' is, THIS VERY SPECIFIC QUESTION, WITH THIS WORDING?? Is not!!

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I'm about to have a stroke OP, limit your interactions with Peter to a co-parenting app until you can get therapy yourself because you are not seeing this parade of red flags. You have a weak resolve for meeting up with this man and still giving him your time of day after he wished your son was gone,

and he scared you to the point the police were rightfully called, he harrassed you to the point you had a RO granted, he admitted to a level of deception that creeped the hell out of you. Have some love for yourself and remove those rose glasses, DANGIT. Put your thinking cap on, what are you teaching Jack? You'd be fine with him going through everything you are?

These Redditors flagged Peter’s obsession, urged OP to shield Jack, and begged them to pause dating. Some saw therapy as a lifeline; others feared Peter’s next move. But do these urgent takes cut through the fog, or just amplify the fear?

OP’s park encounter with Peter wasn’t a bridge to forgiveness—it was a warning sign flashing over a fractured marriage. His regret, overshadowed by blaming Jack, pushes OP to protect their son while wrestling with old love and new possibilities. As they navigate divorce and therapy, OP’s asking us: Would you forgive a spouse whose betrayal targets your child, or cut ties for safety? Drop your thoughts below and let’s keep this raw chat alive!

For those who want to read the sequel:[UPDATE] WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?

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