AITAH for refusing to give my boyfriend children because he won’t marry me?

Seven years into a cozy relationship, a couple’s dreams of family life hit a snag as prickly as a cactus. She’s 31, content with life but open to kids—on one condition: a ring comes first. He’s 33, itching to be a dad but dead-set against marriage, waving off vows like they’re a bad deal at a flea market. When his push for kids clashes with her non-negotiable values, sparks fly, and a health twist adds urgency.

This story of love, boundaries, and tough choices feels like a rom-com with a serious edge. Her stance—marriage before kids—stirs questions about commitment and personal priorities. Readers might find themselves picking sides, wondering how far you bend for love when values don’t align. Buckle up for a tale that’s equal parts heart and hard lines.

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‘AITAH for refusing to give my boyfriend children because he won’t marry me?’

My boyfriend (33m) and I (31f) have been dating for seven years. Early on we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang. I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother. I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any. I’m happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well.

My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad, and recently suggested that we’re in the place to start trying for some. I was a little confused by this. I told him early on, within the first year, that I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to.

I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first. Additionally, if a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children? Maybe it’s old fashioned of me. I explained all of this to him, once again.

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He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice. I said that’s fine. We don’t have to get married. I’m happy with our life as is. We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together.

We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other. If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way. He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him. I said I’m not, just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.

I also told him that since he’s super against the idea of marriage I am not going to marry him just for a shut up ring, that he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay. Children and marriage are off the table for us.

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If he wants kids now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in return. And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me, and maybe or maybe not have kids. I said all of this to him.

He’s been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy. He has said that if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood.. AITAH?

Long-term love can feel like a cozy blanket—until someone yanks it off. This woman’s clear: kids are a bigger leap than marriage, so a vow comes first. Her boyfriend’s anti-marriage stance, paired with his rush for kids due to health concerns, creates a tug-of-war where neither budges. His blow-up suggests he wants his cake and to eat it too, while she’s not serving unless the plate’s right.

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The clash boils down to mismatched visions of commitment. She sees marriage as a foundation; he sees it as a trap. A 2023 Pew Research study found 40% of couples prioritize marriage before parenthood, often for stability (Pew Research). His health-driven urgency adds pressure, but it doesn’t erase her need for mutual commitment.

Relationship expert Esther Perel says, “Commitment is about choosing each other repeatedly” (Esther Perel). Here, the boyfriend’s refusal to marry undermines the shared future she craves. Her boundary isn’t punishment—it’s self-respect. She could suggest a timeline to discuss marriage seriously, giving him space to reflect. If he won’t meet her halfway, parting ways might be kinder.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit posse rolled in like a lively book club, tossing out opinions sharper than a chef’s knife. Here’s the scoop from the crowd, packed with cheers and some side-eye:

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CocoaAlmondsRock − NTA. If he thinks men get screwed over in divorce, he should see how single women get screwed over with children!. Please get some sort of birth control that cannot be tampered with.

ERVetSurgeon − NTA. He wants you to stick around, bear his children, and then take care of him when he is ill? Nope right on out of there hon. You are worth way more than that.

SunshinePrincess21 − NTA. ’He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.’ Explain how women get screwed over all the time having babies with men who won‘t commit and you don’t think having a baby with him would be a ‘smart choice’ either.

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ceres-magos − NTA. Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean he’s entitled to change someone else’s values just to give his life a sense of meaning—especially not through emotional manipulation and trying to guilt-trip you into compliance.

You even offered him the option to leave and have children with someone else, yet it’s clear he just wants the most convenient way (i.e., your existing relationship) to immediately satisfy his desire to have kids. Parenting responsibilities or the child’s well-being don’t actually seem to be his focus.

Honestly, even if you were married, it doesn’t sound like he’d be much of a father. On top of that, he seems more worried about losing money in a divorce than he is about possibly not seeing his future kids grow up due to his illness. This man is clearly only thinking about himself.

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Free_Fishing_5116 − NTA...your thinking and reasoning is perfection - I can get why your ex is so distressed and distraught : because he can only gaslight you, but not find a single fault in your thinking.

touchGrss − Stick to your guns but also, if you want to marry and have children, leave him. You have no time to waste on a man who is not on the same page. And a man who expects you to put your life on the line when he isn’t event willing to put his money on the table, is not a man you need to be with. . Stop compromising. 

MyFoundersStayed − DONT YOU DARE HAVE CHILDREN!! CHECK AAAAAAALL of your birth control immediately.

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changelingcd − Nice clear boundaries. I think your position is entirely reasonable. Why is he worried about 'getting screwed over in a divorce' if he doesn't even expect to live another 20 years? NTA

Only_Opinion_2271 − NTA. He's emotionally blackmailing you into children out of marriage. That sucks.

louisianefille − NTA. Hold firm. He's trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wants. I would also make certain he can't tamper with whatever birth control you're using because he sounds like the kind that would sabotage your pills/condoms to get what he wants.

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These takes run the gamut, from fist-bumps for her resolve to nudges to rethink her stance. But do they capture the full weight of love, health, and values?

This love story’s less about wedding bells and more about standing tall for what you believe. Her line in the sand—no kids without marriage—sparks a universal question: how do you balance heart and principle? With health in the mix, the stakes feel sky-high. Have you ever faced a dealbreaker in love? What would you do when values clash with someone you adore? Share your stories and keep the chat rolling!

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