AITA Abandoned by my mother at 8, ignored her attempts to reconnect 23 years later?

In a quiet Indian village, where family ties are as intricate as the patterns on a sari, a young girl’s world shattered at 8 years old. A cryptic note was all her mother left behind—no goodbye, no explanation, just absence. The sting of abandonment lingered like dust on forgotten photographs, shaping a woman who now, at 32, faces a heart-wrenching dilemma. Her mother, after 23 years of silence, wants back in.

The pain of that childhood betrayal still burns, leaving her torn between anger and the faint pull of forgiveness. Friends urge her to let go, but can you mend a bond broken by a mother’s choice to vanish? This story, shared on Reddit, pulls us into a tangle of hurt, cultural expectations, and the messy question of second chances. Let’s dive into her journey and the fiery debate it sparked.

‘AITA Abandoned by my mother at 8, ignored her attempts to reconnect 23 years later?

I (32F) haven't spoken to my mother in over 23 years. Growing up, she was always distant and cold towards my sister and me, but I never knew why. When I was 8, she left a note, but I don't even remember what it said. She just left without saying goodbye. My sister and I were devastated. My father was heartbroken, and I felt abandoned and unloved.

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Since we were girls, my father couldn't take care of us, so he left us at our grandparents' home. My grandma and other relatives constantly scolded us, saying we were just like our mother. As I grew older, I realized my mother's actions were not just hurtful but also selfish. She prioritized her desires over our well-being, making it hard for me to forgive her.

Over the years, she's reached out a few times, but I've ignored her. I don't feel like I owe her anything, and I don't want to reopen old wounds. My friends say I'm being too harsh, that I should forgive her and move on. But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she did.. AITA for not talking to my mother, or was she the one who was in the wrong?.

Edit: I want to share a bit about myself so you can understand me better. 1. I'm from India. My mom and dad are distant relatives, so all our relatives are intertwined. My dad never abused us or my mom. The problem with him is that he doesn't speak up when someone criticizes him or his kids.

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2. About my dad: My paternal grandparents convinced him that, as girls, we needed a female figure to guide us on things that couldn't be discussed with a dad. He didn't know how to braid our hair since, in India, we had to tie our hair in a specific way for school.

After my mom left, he wasn't his normal self; he became silent and worked long hours, including nights.  Although I hate them both, I saw him struggling, and our relatives not only scolded us but also made jokes about him being abandoned by his wife. He stopped attending marriages.

3. About my mom: When she recently reached out to me via call, she said the man she eloped with had convinced her that it was best for us to stay with our dad since they couldn't afford our school fees and living expenses.

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She claimed she never loved my dad but loves us, was always thinking about us, but was afraid to show her face. How ever, when she saw photos of her grandkid on insta, she decided to call and ask for forgiveness. I asked her just one question: why did she have two children in a forced marriage? She didn't respond, cried, and hung up.

4. I blame both my parents, not just my mom. Since my mom reached out recently, I'm focusing on what she did. I'll make another post if my dad says or does something that disturbs me. As a 7-8 year old kid, I saw a lot about life, and I feel she should have reached out when I was 15 and living with her parents.

Family abandonment can feel like a wound that never quite heals. This woman’s story, rooted in a painful childhood, highlights the complex dance of forgiveness and self-preservation.

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Her mother’s sudden departure left deep scars, compounded by a father who, overwhelmed, passed his daughters to relatives. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, “Unresolved betrayal can erode trust, making reconciliation feel like scaling a mountain” (Gottman Institute). Here, the mother’s choice to prioritize her own path over her children’s stability reflects a breach that’s hard to mend.

This situation mirrors broader issues of familial duty in collectivist cultures like India, where family is central yet sometimes fraught with unspoken pressures. A 2019 study in the Journal of Family Issues noted that 1 in 5 Indian women face societal stigma post-separation, often isolating them from their children. The mother’s claim of financial strain and a coerced marriage suggests such pressures, but does it justify abandoning her daughters?

Dr. Gottman’s advice emphasizes rebuilding trust through accountability. The mother’s recent outreach, sparked by seeing her grandchild online, lacks the depth of remorse needed to bridge 23 years. For the daughter, setting boundaries is key—perhaps a conversation to express her pain, without committing to forgiveness.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of empathy and tough love. Here’s a peek at what they had to say:

Turbulent_Ebb5669 − since we were girls, my father couldn't take care of us, so he left us at our grandparents' home.. Odd, I've known of more than a few fathers who've brought up their daughters due to divorce or death.

rangebob − 'because you were girls he couldn't look after you' ?. Dad sounds just as bad as mum frankly

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Left_Coast_LeslieC − My therapist helped me understand that some things are simply unforgivable.

amberinotm − You're NTA for not wanting to reconcile, but I hope you have just as much disdain for your deadbeat father that also abandoned you.

RoundComfortable8762 − NTA, she's never been a real mom to you and she's abandoned you. You have no business with a person that brought you so much pain.

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Neuropathic1980 − NTA. As a fellow human who was abandoned as a kid these 'parents' can kick sand.

OkCharity3133 − Your friends are hypocrites who judge you and not the woman who abandoned you. They were not in your shoes and do not get to judge you. Keep people who stand by you.

FryOneFatManic − I'm guessing from the post and comments that the grandparents and other relatives are from your dad's side. Which is probably why they were n**ty to you about your mother. Your father could have raised you, but he chose not to.

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There's no reason why he couldn't. I know a couple of single dads and they are great with their kids. And he didn't interfere when his awful wife treated you badly. I would at least listen to your mother. You may find out a lot more went on back then than you might realise. I suspect your dad was abusive towards her.

No-Needleworker-8709 − NTA, but it sounds as if the blame is all on mother when father did the same , no need to open wounds , close that chapter and begin anew. Or hear her out no ned to forgive tell her how you really feel about her, then close chpt and be done. I wonder no metion of what your sibling thinks or if she has forgiven mom . Any I wish you peace .

Vast-Marionberry-824 − NTA. It’s totally up to you whether you want her back in your life. It may be good. It may not be. She left an 8 year old. You’ve dealt with that without her for many years. You’re an adult now. Go with your own feelings. Don’t worry about what anyone else says. They didn’t live it. You lived it and are living it.

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These hot takes range from fiery support to calls for clarity on the father’s role. But do they capture the full weight of her pain, or are they just armchair quarterbacking?

This woman’s story is a raw reminder that family ties can cut as deeply as they bind. Her refusal to reconnect isn’t just about anger—it’s about guarding a heart bruised by years of absence. What would you do if an absent parent knocked on your door decades later? Share your thoughts, experiences, or advice below—let’s keep this conversation going!

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