AITAH for feeling betrayed after finding out my wife lied about wanting kids and hid an ex?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine building a life with someone, only to find the blueprints were fake. A 42-year-old man thought he and his wife shared a dream of kids—until she admitted she never wanted them, lying to keep him. Then, a deeper cut: she hid a years-long emotional bond with an ex, texting sweet nothings while swearing no past loves lingered. Now, with trust in tatters, he’s questioning if their marriage is salvageable. Is his devastation justified, or is he overreacting to hard truths?

This Reddit saga peels back the layers of a marriage rocked by deception. The OP’s discovery of his wife’s lies—about kids and a secret ex—has left him reeling, sparking a debate about trust and betrayal. It’s a story of love tested by choices that hid the truth from day one.

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‘AITAH for feeling betrayed after finding out my wife lied about wanting kids and hid an ex?’

I (42M) am struggling and need outside perspective.. When we first got serious, I told my now-wife (39F) that I wanted kids, otherwise it is a deal-breaker.. She said she wanted kids too. Later, after we were married, she admitted she had never really wanted children but lied because she didn’t want to lose me.

I chose to stay flexible and accept it—life is tough, and I convinced myself it might be better not to bring a child into a hard world.. Recently, I found out she also lied about maintaining a close relationship with an ex. Before we married, I asked her directly—twice—if there were any past love interests still in her life. She said no.

In reality, she had been in frequent contact with a man she used to date: exchanging good mornings, good nights, personal updates, even past trips across the country funded by him before we met.. They stayed emotionally close for years.

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I only found out by going through her phone (which I know isn’t ideal), but the trust was already crumbling.. When I confronted her, she said she lied because she 'knew I would be mad.' For what it’s worth, I have always dealt with emotional turbulence by calmly talking things out and listening.

She had no real reason to fear my reaction—she just didn’t want to face accountability.. Now I’m devastated.. If she hid something this big—even before and during marriage—how am I supposed to believe anything else?. I feel like our whole foundation was built on lies.. AITAH for feeling completely betrayed and questioning whether this marriage can even be saved?

Update: The responses have been overwhelming. I am heart broken and my emotions are in tatters but this has confirmed what I already knew to be true. I appreciate everyone's support, thank you for helping me see things clearly.

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Discovering your spouse lied about a core value like wanting children is like finding your house is built on sand—one storm, and it’s gone. Add a hidden emotional connection with an ex, and the OP’s world didn’t just crack—it collapsed. His wife’s lies weren’t small; they shaped his life choices, robbing him of informed decisions about kids and commitment. Her excuse—she feared his reaction—dodges accountability, especially given his history of calm communication.

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage expert, writes in Psychology Today, “Deception erodes trust faster than any other betrayal.” A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that 70% of couples cite hidden relationships or major lies as dealbreakers, with trust rarely fully restored. The wife’s ongoing contact with her ex, even if not physical, suggests emotional infidelity, compounding the child-related deceit.

Dr. Gottman advises, “Rebuilding requires radical honesty and accountability.” The OP could seek couples counseling, but only if his wife owns her actions fully—unlikely, given her pattern. Individual therapy might help him process the betrayal and decide his next steps, whether divorce or reconciliation. Consulting a lawyer discreetly, as Reddit suggested, could protect his interests. His pain is valid, and questioning the marriage’s future is a natural response to a foundation built on lies.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit swooped in like a squad of truth-tellers, dishing out support with a side of tough love. They validated the OP’s betrayal, slamming his wife’s manipulation and urging him to consider divorce. From calls to lawyer up to warnings about future resentment, the comments were a fiery mix of empathy and action plans. Here’s the unfiltered Reddit buzz:

corgihuntress − Unfortunately, your foundation is built on lies. She knew you wanted kids and she lied to keep you. That's manipulation. You could have found someone else and had children and a happy life. Or you could have decided to stay with her. Problem is, she never gave you a choice. Keeping in touch with the ex in itself isn't that big of a deal.

But she lied about it and continued to lie and lie and lie. Your question is valid. How can you trust her? And ask yourself what it would take from her to ever allow you to trust her? Is there anything? Are you willing to stay with her until she pulls the rug out from under you again? Marriage counseling could help, but only if she's willing to put in the work, too. NTA

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National_Pension_110 − NTA. You already know what you need to do. Life is short. Don’t give up your dreams for someone who lies to you.

Relevant-Highlight90 − You feel like your entire foundation was built on lies because...your entire foundation is built on lies.. There is no relationship or marriage here. She *deceived* you into marriage. Your marriage is a fraud. Please have the self-respect to walk away. I'd strongly suggest some individual counseling because it's not reasonable to be questioning yourself at this stage.. NTA

Prize-Block983 − This woman is a walking RED FLAG....she has been lying to you from the beginning. You should have walked away right after she told you she didn't want kids... and she has been in constant contact with a man she used to sleep with. Walk Away... She is a liar and manipulator.

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avid-learner-bot − Her lies were massive and her deceit a slap in the face, you're right to question whether this toxic relationship can be saved.

Quiet_Village_1425 − Divorce.

No-Tone397 − ‘I lied because…’ … try using that one on her moving forward. If you stay with her one or both of you is going to resent the other. You: no kids… what could my life have been like? Her: I have kids now… look what I can’t do anymore.. Her: I lied about that so one more little lie won’t make a difference. Start lining up your ducks whether you pull the trigger or not get ready to do it if you need to.

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msvictoria624 − NTA. And you’ve been betrayed twice. I don’t know how you can move on from this, especially the kids aspect. You’ve been robbed of what could have been. The least she could do is not maintain contact with an ex that obviously meant something to her. Boo!

GroundbreakingCut954 − Another thing to add: sounds like she’s emotionally cheating and prioritizing keeping this ex in her life rather than having respect for her husband… makes me wonder how the dynamic between yall is like ?

Are you usually the one that’s compromising more to fit her needs ? She’s essentially having her cake and eating too, probably sees you as a doormat. Might want to consider counseling unless these lies are deal breakers for OP. NTA

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Ok_Passage_6242 − You feel like your foundation was built on lies because it actually was built lies. When a foundation is built, lies and inevitably crumbles. Don’t know how long you’ve been together but understand that the type of lies she told you involves choice. Every day she woke up and chose to not tell you the truth.

Every day she woke up and lied to your face. She created an illusion of the person she thought you wanted so she could prevent you from being with someone that would genuinely align with your values. Do you know who else deceives people like this? The evil queen in every fairytale. She’s not the good guy here.

This is not the same as trying to put your best face on every day. If I were you, here’s what I would do immediately. Get a lawyer in secret and get all your ducks in a row. Let the lawyer know how much your wife has lied to you in an effort to get married to you.

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Because my friend, your wife conned you into marrying her. Simultaneously get into therapy and let the therapist know that you want to learn how to deal with this betrayal to create a healthy life for yourself.

As soon as you can, serve your wife divorce papers, cut contact with her and let everything go through the lawyers and start your healing process. Your wife prevented you from living the life that you wanted for yourself because she’s a lying f**king liar. You deserve better.. NTA

These Redditors didn’t hold back, cheering the OP’s clarity while torching his wife’s deceit. But do their bold calls for action capture the full weight of this marital meltdown, or are they just fanning the flames? One thing’s clear: this story’s got everyone rooting for the OP’s peace.

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The OP’s sense of betrayal isn’t just about lies—it’s about losing the life he thought he was building. His wife’s deception, from kids to a hidden ex, stole his choices, leaving a marriage on shaky ground. Whether he walks away or fights to rebuild, this saga reminds us that trust is the heartbeat of love, and lies can stop it cold. Have you ever faced a betrayal that made you question everything? Share your story—let’s keep the convo rolling!

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