My [39M] wife [30F] of 6 years is upset I lost weight and wants me back to before

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The summer sun glints off a community pool, where laughter and splashes mask a brewing storm. A 39-year-old father, chiseled from years of discipline, plays with his son, unaware of his wife’s watchful gaze from the sidelines. Once bonded by love and a shared life, their marriage now teeters under the weight of change—his transformation from obese to fit, and her struggle with post-pregnancy insecurities. Her accusations of infidelity cut deep, revealing a rift wider than any gym could bridge.

This isn’t just a tale of biceps and bikinis; it’s a raw glimpse into how personal growth can shake a relationship’s foundation. As he chases health for his son’s future, she grapples with feeling left behind, her pleas for his “old self” echoing fear and vulnerability. Readers feel the sting of her doubts and his frustration, drawn into a story of love tested by change. What happens when one partner evolves, and the other feels lost?

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‘My [39M] wife [30F] of 6 years is upset I lost weight and wants me back to before’

I got married to my wife 6 years ago when she got pregnant. Ideally, we would have dated for longer than 9 months, but it is what it is, and we had our son soon after. Within the few years of our marriage, life was good. I got to learn a lot more about my wife and we got along really well, much more than when we were dating.

Then my dad died of a heart attack when I was 35. My dad had just turned 59. This was a reality check, and I remember I cared so much because I had my son, and if I wanted my son to have me around when he was 35, I was at least going to have to live to 71 without keeling over from a similar health issue.

I went and did a physical and blood work, found that I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I told the doctor my workout plan and diet, and set on my way. Following r/loseit was really helpful as well as r/keto. Within a year, I was down to my normal weight, and within two years I had a six pack, something I never had when I was younger.

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From that point, my doctor told me my health had exponentially improved, but I was thirsty for more. I wanted to look even more aesthetically pleasing, so I got a picture of the 300 cover photo and set about building my body for that Halloween.

In that time, I think my wife and I must have grown apart. My wife used to always be fit when we dated, but after having our son, she must have been busy to go exercise. I invited her with me to workout (I saved up money and built a separate 2 car garage behind the house to build a home gym), but she would say she was tired or 'happy the way she was'.

I would go for jogs with my son in the stroller, and whenever she joined us, she would insist we walk. I asked her to try jogging, and she would snap back asking if I don't find her attractive. Of course, I love my wife. I love her as the mother of my child, I love her as the daughter-in-law she is when helping my mother, and most of all I love her as my wife and how she is forever my companion.

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This became even more apparent with time. While I would be cooking chicken b**ast and broccoli for the week, she would say that I should start eating lasagna and fried chicken that I used to eat before. I told her that I didn't want to go back to being overweight/obese (my bmi used to be 32 and the doctor said that was classified as obese, now my bmi was 25, borderline overweight,

but I am at 10% body fat) so I was careful with my food, and she got so upset. She asked if I thought she was fat, and I calmly told my wife to go ask the doctor because I thought she looked good, but I was biased. After her appointment the next week, she came back home crying.

She said her doctor said she was overweight and should consider a diet plan and working out. I thought I would see changes in my wife's behavior, but nothing happened. Now, summer has come around, and my son is a bubbling ball of excitement and always wants to go to the pool.

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I take him to the community pool to play with other kids that live in our neighborhood, and my wife joins us sometimes. Last weekend, the neighborhood had a pool party, and everyone and their kids were there. My wife came, and my son and I were having fun, playing in the water and socializing with the people who came there.

When we got home, after my son took a nap, my wife walked me into our bedroom, and started questioning me. She asked me if I was sleeping with X woman who was there, Y woman who was talking to me, or Z women whose kid I was helping dry off and talking too.

I said I didn't know what she was talking about, and then she pulled out her phone to show me pictures she had taken from her seat. They were pictures of me smiling and talking to these women. I sat my wife down and told here I would **never** cheat. I have a son that she provided me, and a wife that I loved and cared so much about.

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She wouldn't accept that answer though. She said that I must be attracted to those women because they can look good wearing bikinis while she is heavier than them (her words, not mine). Then she changed the focus to me.

She said I was getting all this attention because I was now fit compared to before, and it would cause me to waiver in my fidelity now that other women were attracted to me. My wife told me that she wants me back to my old self, when she didn't have to worry about other women and we could be comfortable together.

She said she feels this undue pressure to become fit herself, and feels like its too stressful to maintain that lifestyle. Can someone please tell me what to do? I am not going to lie to my wife, but if I am being honest, I think she would be much more attractive if she tried to get back in shape. Even just **trying**. I don't know how I can tell her this without hurting her feelings or making her feel more insecure; can someone tell me how to approach that?

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

A husband’s fitness journey shouldn’t fracture a marriage, but here it exposes deeper cracks. Dr. Esther Perel, a noted relationship therapist, observes, “Change in one partner can feel like a betrayal to the other if not navigated together” . The wife’s demand for her husband’s “old self” reflects insecurity, not malice, as his transformation highlights her own struggles with body image post-pregnancy.

The husband faces a dilemma: his health-driven lifestyle versus his wife’s emotional distress. Her accusations of infidelity stem from fear, amplified by societal pressures on women’s bodies—a 2022 study in Body Image found 70% of mothers experience post-partum body dissatisfaction. His invitations to exercise, though well-meaning, may feel like judgment, widening their emotional gap. Meanwhile, her resistance to change suggests deeper issues, possibly depression, as noted in comments about her postpartum diagnosis.

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Perel advises couples to “co-create a new relationship narrative.” The husband could pause fitness talks, focusing instead on emotional connection—asking about her feelings without pushing solutions. Couples therapy could help them address her insecurities and his need for health, fostering teamwork. Small steps, like shared walks or cooking together, can rebuild trust.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The Reddit squad dove into this marital mess with gusto, dishing out advice as spicy as a poolside barbecue. It’s a mix of cheers for the husband’s grit and side-eyes at the wife’s demands. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

Ingrathis − That's f**king disgusting for her to ask that of you. Tell her that what she's doing is unreasonable and you've given her no reason to actually believe you're cheating. Being overweight is what it is, and you are so incredibly strong-willed and I, random internet stranger, am very proud of you for improving your lifestyle. Don't let your wife throw all of that away for you.

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[Reddit User] − Your wife probably needs some therapy. This isn't about you, it's about her. She has low/no self esteem and is insecure. Why don't you offer to cook all the meals for 5 days, some good healthy food and if she enjoys it you can say 'See, now that wasn't so bad.' Once she starts getting good food to fuel her body, she may have more energy to feel like starting to work out with you.

[Reddit User] − She wants you to be overweight so you won't be attractive to other girls? That makes no sense. Overweight people can cheat too. Have you watched Jerry Springer?

Purplecheesecakes − Based on some of your comments further down it seems like a few things are happening. I think you already know this but getting healthy is not the only issue. If you want to get past the 'wall' then you need to get under the surface here.

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Obviously that's what therapy is for but there's a couple of things you can do as the husband (especially if you want to take the merciful route). It's time to stop talking about health and fitness. Just stop. Give her a breather. Begin to move in a different direction with her. She feels bad.

She feels bad about herself. She feels bad about you. She feels bad about your marriage. She just plain seems like she feels bad. Ask her how she feels. Tell her you want to know what it's been like to sit on the sidelines while you get fit.

What was it like for her to be pregnant and give birth? How does she feel about her body post birth? (Hint: I'm post birth of two kids and I'm at a great weight and dang it still looks pretty saggy and n**ty. ) Is it scary? Is it stressful? Has she felt ignored? Pressured? What does that pressure feel like for her? Just start asking her questions.

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And then don't interrupt with how you think she should feel. Don't tell her that thinking you will cheat is stupid or silly. Just try to get the dam of her emotions to let loose in a really safe and loving emotional environment. You can create this kind of environment instead of daring her to prove she can run a mile.

Just stop all that and start being emotionally safe. Don't provide her with any reasons to feel like it's 'you vs. her.' Instead shift the focus toward 'it's us against the problem.' Of course she is behaving immaturely here and you don't have to offer this.

But when you love someone you can give mercy. This is what mercy would look like in your situation: you intentionally seeking out emotional connection with her and creating emotional safety. It's just a starting place.

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[Reddit User] − So she wants you to literally kill yourself just because she's lazy and crazy? Don't do it.

throwawayseino − Let me start by saying that the accusations your wife laid against you were over the line, and your response was level-headed. My sympathies to you. That being said, your wife probably has body issues stemming from her pregnancy.

Watching yourself get steadily rounder for 9 months, then dealing with all of the excess flab and skin (and maybe incontinence) after childbirth, combined with the subsequent lack of sleep and constant looking-after for a newborn does a depressing number on your body especially if you were previously fit.

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If you were starting to make your health improvements around this time, then it probably made her feel worse about her state of fitness. I admire you for the ways you tried to get involved in your wife's fitness. Most likely your actions, rather than convincing her to step up her game, only made her feel worse; like picking at a scab for a wound which hasn't fully healed yet.

If you can't have the conversation between the two of you, consider getting a couple's counselor to discuss why she feels so threatened by your physical fitness. If it does end up pertaining to her own body image issues (which I think it is), see if you can find a body-image focused therapist for her.

agreywood − To me it sounds like she's having issues with depression and anxiety, and since depression and anxiety are practically designed to make you feel like they are unmanageable she's trying to get you to manage it for her.

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That's not a reasonable long term solution, nor is it a reasonable short term solution when doing so would be at the expense of your health. So first -- what can you do to get her to manage her anxieties on her own? You mention she is seeing someone monthly.

Is that a psychiatrist or a psychologist? If it's a psychiatrist, encourage her to start talk therapy of some kind (CBT is particularly good for reducing identifiable anxieties, but doesn't work for everyone when it comes to figuring out 'free floating' anxieties), if it's a psychologist encourage her to resume/start weekly sessions and to talk about seeing a psychiatrist as well (in case medication is needed).

Second -- is there anything you can do in the short term to help her manage these issues? A big one is likely learning to avoid (within reason) thing that cause her anxiety to flare up. Accepting that she's only willing to walk, not jog, is something reasonable. Not talking to any women is very much not, obviously.

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Third -- evaluate your lives to see if her assesment that maintaining weight loss would be too stressful is acurate. Is she frequently put in a position where her options are no food vs mcdonalds?. Forth -- have you maintained your previous common interests?

When my husband first started his 'get fit' kick 2 years ago we did start drifting apart. I never worried he was cheating on me, but the marriage did suffer because for months it was nearly an obsession and not something I could really get into myself.

If that describes you at all, 'you should eat fried chicken' could a very poor attempt at regaining food as your common ground. If that's the case, it might be good to reconnect with your old common interests or work on forging new ones with her.

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[Reddit User] − I'm going to be honest and very forthright, because I assume you posted here looking for advice. It's not going to be pretty, but I hope you listen to what I say here.. Here's the bottom line: your title is incorrect, and your wife is NOT upset you lost weight.. I repeat: your physical fitness is not actually the problem here.

Now! I am super unsurprised that you are getting a lot of 'that's terrible, you're right, keep it up, it's so crappy of her to try to compromise your health' type responses, because you have framed this post as a conflict between you, a partner who is fit, and a partner who is not fit and unsupportive of your fitness.

But that is not what's going on, and I think if you take a deep breath and step away, you'll see that pretty clearly. My first thought, when I read your initial post, was to wonder exactly what your labor split is. You mention taking your kid jogging and to the pool,

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but I wondered about the less 'fun' parts of childcare (and housework, too) -- the cleaning and laundry and homework and bathtime and bedtime stuff. I am not saying you are *necessarily* this guy,

but I know a lot of men who think of themselves as 50/50 parents and housekeepers with their wives when the split is much more like 20/80, because men are not often socialized to notice all the little things that need to get done around a house for it to keep functioning.

My partner is my total teammate, and he works very hard to take a fair share (50%, and he tries to take more when I'm working longer hours than him) of domestic labor, but I once stopped cleaning our bathroom just to see if he noticed,

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and I finally gave up after a month because he simply did not register that you should clean the toilet and sink and bathtub. Once I pointed it out he was like 'oh yeah, I noticed it was pretty gross,' but it simply didn't cross his mind to fix it.

And he totally got it after that, so it's not like it was a super depressing experience! This is not ill intentioned behavior, and a lot of it is socialization. I would *ask your wife* how much time she spends on childcare and domestic labor and see what she says ('ask your wife' is going to be a theme in my comment).

I emphasize this because you say you spend 20 hours a week or so on fitness related pursuits. That's a hell of a lot of time! And I say that as someone who spends about that much on fitness myself. Another commenter pointed out elsewhere that if that time used to go to your wife (which I believe you said it did), she may feel like you've drifted away from her.

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An additional point is that she may look at the time investment and see what it takes and decide she'd rather spend her time doing other things (maybe she likes to read!). So my first thought is: does she *actually* have the space to do the things that might make her happy right now, whether or not it involves fitness?

As I continued reading, I noticed more and more that raised red flags for me, and became increasingly convinced that, again, this really isn't about fitness. To be blunt: you seem very disconnected from your wife, except at the surface level.

You mention that she 'must not have had time' to work out after she had the baby -- do you not know what her time management was like? Were you around her during that time? She had PPD, so that does come across oddly, too.

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(Also, it is entirely possible to struggle for years with PPD, just for the record.) You also mention that you do not know if she spends time with friends. How do you not know what her social life is like? Have you asked her? You seem to want advice on how to *tell* her things, or *get her to do* things,

but what you need to be doing is asking her questions and finding out where she is, mentally and emotionally. Downthread you mention that she brought up 'fat vs. fit' and 'fat acceptance' and you blew this off. To me, this sounds like she was trying to divorce the conversation between fitness and aesthetics, which is fair enough.

You say here you want her to get fit to be healthy, but you also say very often that you want her to be more attractive (I echo other commenters in strongly suggesting you IN NO WAY ask her to lose weight for your beach trip). Your response to this was incredibly mean.

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Like, my jaw dropped when you described telling her to run a mile with you and her ending up in tears. That's humiliating, OP. You put 'making a point' above her own emotional wellness. This is another signal to me that you have really lost touch with the desire or ability to be emotionally intimate with your wife.

To top it all off, she's in therapy but didn't tell you. You didn't ever ask about it? Look, I realize what I'm saying sounds harsh, but to my eye, as a person who cares a lot about fitness (and has a partner who does, too), this is not about fitness at all.

Again, I'm not surprised you're getting a lot of 'eff her!' comments from people, because the way you've set it up is far simpler than what is likely actually going on. When she says she wants you to 'go back' to the old you, it isn't about your weight.

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It's about feeling like she had a partner who she could relax and have fun with, who wasn't trying to change her. My advice is this: scratch any and every impulse you have to talk to her about fitness. If she feels healthy and supported and loved in the relationship,

and if she wants to make changes *for herself* to be happier with her body (and surely you must know that internally motivated changes are the ones that really stick), then she will begin a journey toward adopting healthier behaviors that make her feel good.

But your role is not to bully her into getting there. You need to spend some time getting to know your wife again, and find out what she actually needs from you. It's not gifts, and it's not a personal trainer.

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pennieblack − 'My wife used to always be fit when we dated, but after having our son, she must have been busy to go exercise.'. You mention in the comments that she was diagnosed with PPD, so this line comes across as really passive-aggressive.

Imnotajunkie − If I was your wife, I would miss 'the old you.' Not so much about the weight, but about being on the same level. I'd miss going for walks with our kid. I'd miss the time spent together that you now spend at the gym. I'd miss eating the same food, and enjoying it together.

You've completely changed your life, which is awesome. But that affects many aspects of life, not just health and appearance. It affects your relationship. And you've changed without her, she is left behind. I'm not saying I support her ACTIONS, but I think I emphasize with how she's feeling. I think if I was her, id be very lonely.

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Redditors rallied behind the husband’s health gains, slamming the wife’s request as unfair, while others urged empathy for her insecurities. Some suggested therapy, others saw red flags in her jealousy. But do these hot takes solve the couple’s rift, or just add fuel to the fire?

This couple’s clash isn’t just about weight—it’s about navigating change without losing each other. The husband’s dedication to health is admirable, but his wife’s plea for the “old him” reveals a deeper need for reassurance and connection. Their story challenges us to balance personal growth with partnership, finding ways to evolve together. By opening up and listening, they might rediscover their shared spark. How would you handle a partner’s insecurities clashing with your own transformation? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel:[UPDATE] My [39M] wife [30F] of 6 years is upset I lost weight and wants me back to before

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