I (20M) am about to break up with my autistic/adhd fiancee (19F). How do I not shatter her heart?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In the cramped chaos of student halls, a 20-year-old man stands at a crossroads, his heart heavy with a decision that could change everything. For three years, he’s poured himself into a relationship with his 19-year-old fiancée, navigating her ADHD, autism, and mental health struggles with unwavering care. But the weight of playing parent—cleaning her messes, managing her emotions, and sacrificing his own needs—has left him drained. Now, he’s ready to walk away, hoping to soften the blow for her fragile heart.

This Reddit post dives into a raw struggle that’s both personal and universal: how do you end a love that’s become a burden without causing devastation? His story, laced with compassion and exhaustion, pulls readers into a delicate dance of duty and self-preservation. Can he find a way to break free while staying kind?

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‘I (20M) am about to break up with my autistic/adhd fiancee (19F). How do I not shatter her heart?’

We've been together for almost 3 years now so I fear I'm in too deep. My partner has ADHD, autism and also suffers with anxiety, depression plus possible more disorders we've only seen symptoms for so far. I've done my absolute best to hold her when she's not ok and to make sure that plans don't change.

I do so much to accommodate her needs I end up feeling like a parent to her, I genuinely have to gentle parent her out of being rude/selfish towards me just so that I can have an opinion on something.. Context: we are living in student halls at the moment and have separate rooms.

Alongside her mental disabilities comes her non-existent spatial awareness, which often results in me cleaning up her messes. this has now devolved into my doing all the dishes, her laundry, cleaning her pc setup that is encrusted with years old yoghurt on computer keys.

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She smashed my favourite vase and has since promised to hoover her floor but its been weeks and I can't stand in there without shoes. Money too, she owes me a lot. She also doesn't get me any on time/decent quality gifts (Christmas/birthdays) sometimes will just not get me one (last valentines).

I have less income than her a month and have managed to get her concert tickets and high quality gifts. What really made me decide that I can't be there for her anymore was that one of my friends gave me an onlookers opinion saying 'Yo dude, this isn't normal'. She shouldn't be controlling of all my actions where I am what I'm doing.

I cant do an activity without her if she also wants to join in because of her FOMO. I'm really tired. I can't keep trimming her toenails just because she's dyspraxic. Its not her fault, she's not mentally ok but neither am I because of this. But she's very Autistic and i want to stay on good terms but I don't know how or even what to expect.. How would I go about this, hurting her in the least way possible?

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Ending a relationship where one partner feels like a caregiver is tough but often necessary. This young man’s exhaustion from managing his fiancée’s dependency—cleaning, financing, and navigating her controlling behavior—signals an unhealthy dynamic that’s unsustainable.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Healthy relationships require mutual respect and reciprocity, not one-sided emotional labor” (The Gottman Institute). Her neurodivergence may explain some behaviors, but it doesn’t justify neglecting his needs or controlling his actions. A 2023 study by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 60% of caregivers for partners with mental health challenges report burnout, often leading to relationship strain (NAMI).

The broader issue is the challenge of young relationships navigating complex mental health needs. His fiancée’s dependency, from unkept promises to financial debts, borders on emotional manipulation, as community comments suggest. While her conditions may amplify her struggles, they don’t absolve her of responsibility to treat him with respect.

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Dr. Gottman advises clear communication and firm boundaries during breakups. He should be honest but concise, saying he’s ending the relationship due to his own needs, avoiding a laundry list of grievances. Alerting her support network post-breakup can ensure her safety without him remaining entangled.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crowd didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of empathy and real talk, like a late-night dorm debate. From calling out red flags to urging a clean break, here’s what they said:

Anxious_Reporter_601 − You realistically can't break up with her and stay on good terms. You're going to break her heart, and that's going to suck but it's what needs to happen. 

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SpecialistOne6654 − Why are 19 and 20 year olds getting engaged?

RVAMeg − Uh, I have ADHD, am on the spectrum, and have anxiety, and none of this sounds like that. She’s using that to become dependent on you. Leave.. Also, y’all gotta stop getting engaged in your teens.

Major_Boat_4404 − I have Autism & adhd. I don’t treat my boyfriend this way. You have every right to end the relationship and it is likely going to hurt her. You may know this, but my biggest recommendation is to be blunt & honest with her. If you want to end it, end it. Honesty & transparency are the biggest things that I want from anyone I have relationships with (whether family, friends or romantic).

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stemcella − As someone with Autism and ADHD - this isn’t it…I’m sorry she is treating you like this but this is not because of her autism and ADHD.. Her ADHD and Autism also wouldn’t be why she’s not “mentally OK”. Autism especially often comes with this innate sense of justice, rules and regulations.

Sometimes the idea of justice is slightly askew but not so much that you’re treating someone like an absolute punching bag and walking all over them. My friend, this is abuse. She is shattering her own heart by behaving this was and autism or no autism,

she has a personal responsibility to ensure she’s in a position to treat people with respect. You don’t have to give her a reason, but please just keep it factual about how you feel and not the intention behind why she is behaving this way. Don’t mention her disability or mental condition.

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jrl_iblogalot − She's going to feel however she's going to feel, no matter what. If she is still in love with you, there's no way you can make this 'good' without hurting her (and wanting to stay on good terms). So it's best to just get it over with the sooner the better, so she can begin the grieving process and eventually get over you (which she will).

My only advice is to leave out all the details you provided here. She doesn't need a lecture on everything you don't like about her, that's not going to help her, and at worst that will just drag you into an argument where she tries to explain and defend herself. Just tell her you're not feeling the same anymore, and that it's time to separate.

AffectionateMarch394 − Hey kiddo,. Here's my old folk advice, as someone who's been there. (Who is also AuADHD). It needs to be a clean break, no contact after, at the very least for a while. She WILL try and make you responsible for her feelings about the breakup. That's not your job.

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If you are worried about her safety, for mental health reasons, contact someone she's close to, a family member, something, and give them a heads up when you break up, they can be responsible for checking on her mental health wise. If she threatening suicide, call whatever emergency response options you have for her and tell them she is.

You cannot be emotionally blackmailed into staying with her, or mentally supporting her. This sounds harsh, I KNOW it does. But this is important, because there's a chance you will be guilted into staying because of how she takes it/reacts.. Best of luck

MckittenMan − There is no golden way to break up with someone and spare feelings in the process.. Just have to rip the band-aid off and do it. Then deal with the aftermath as you go. All you can do is avoid being a d**k about it and pray for the best in the process. Hardly ever is there an easy way to end a relationship.

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Ok_Introduction9466 − You’re too young to be getting married. The person you met at 17 isn’t your ideal partner. You have to just rip off the bandaid and end the relationship. Also, if she’s controlling you she’s abusing you and abuse isn’t something that can be fixed. She needs professional help and you need to go live your life.

It’s going to hurt her regardless, you can be as gentle about it as you want but firm that you are no longer partners. See if you can move to a different student hall before you break the news and give some distance to yourself and if you’re close with her family after you end things and let them know to check on her. That’s all you can do.

High_Lizord − You break up with her. Be kind but clear. Use words like 'Im ending the relationship' or 'im breaking up with you' don't make it vague and don't suggest you stay friends. You can't, at least not anytime soon. She needs to process and this needs to be done without you.

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So make sure you block her. For both your mental health, not to be cruel. You can make sure she has support. After you break up with her, maybe reach out to one of her friends or family and say you've just broken up with fiancee and ask them to check in with her.

After that, leave her alone for a few months. Don't text, don't like her comments on something or strike up conversation. A quick, clean ending is the least painful of all the options. None of them however are painless sadly.

These Redditors cheer his decision but warn that heartbreak is inevitable, urging honesty and distance. Some with similar diagnoses reject excusing her behavior as neurodivergence, while others push for no-contact to protect his mental health. But do their blunt takes oversimplify her struggles? One thing’s clear: this story has sparked a lively convo.

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This young man’s story is a poignant reminder that love, no matter how deep, can’t always carry a relationship through imbalance. His decision to end his engagement reflects a brave step toward reclaiming his life, even as he grapples with guilt over hurting his fiancée. Can he navigate this breakup with kindness while protecting his own heart? His journey challenges us to weigh compassion against self-care. What would you do in his shoes? Share your thoughts below and join the conversation.

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