Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy home filled with shared memories, a 34-year-old woman stands at a breaking point. Her marriage, built on 16 years of love, laughter, and shared dreams, is unraveling under the weight of her husband’s unchecked anger. His screams echo through their life, drowning out her pleas for respect. Now, her firm boundary against his outbursts threatens to end it all, leaving her torn between love and self-preservation.

This Reddit post lays bare a raw struggle that’s all too relatable: what happens when love isn’t enough to fix a toxic dynamic? Her courage to demand better, despite the fear of losing everything, pulls readers into a story that’s as heartbreaking as it is inspiring. Can she hold her ground, or will her marriage crumble?

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‘Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?’

I've been married to a smart, sexy, witty, wonderful man for 5 years, dated him for 6 years prior to that, and known him as a friend for 5 years before that. He has been a part of my life for so long it's hard to remember what my life was like before he was in it in some capacity.

I love him dearly, and I love the life we've built together. He doesn't handle his frustration or anger or insecurities well. He has a lot of trust issues (despite the fact that I haven't done anything to merit distrust, which he will acknowledge - his trust issues stem from legitimate childhood trauma) and will frequently presume worst intentions.

Sometimes he might see something small and his brain will draw conclusions like '[Wife] hasn't put the dishes away (even though I never asked it and there are plenty of times I don't put dishes away), therefore she doesn't respect me or prioritize our relationship.' Frequently in arguments, his feelings will take precedence over my own.

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I do my very best to listen to his feelings and acknowledge/empathize with them, but in the heat of the moment very frequently my own feelings become things for him to react to rather than listen to - and thus the discussion about his feelings continue while mine never get addressed.

We've been in couples counseling for years now. Originally it was more of a maintenance thing, but over the past year it has become critically necessary. My husband sunk into a really deep depression last spring, and last summer was honestly pretty hellish for both of us.

He'd find fault in the smallest of slights (like 'she asked me a question via IM but there's read receipt so clearly she didn't care about my answer and doesn't care about me' when I actually had seen the answer and it didn't mark a read receipt because I only looked at it through my phone's notifications) and then stop talking to me for multiple days on end except for practical house questions via IM.

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He'd send passive aggressive and manipulative messages while I was out to get me to come home (though he doesn't intend for them to be manipulative, they definitely fit the definition by any reasonable standard). If things are very extreme, he may scream in my face or knock something over.

In previous years, he has punched the wall before, or (lightly) pushed me out of the way in an argument so he could get past me. I did a lot of supporting him emotionally (and often financially), when he would let me. If he's stressed, I'll try to do some housework to take something off his plate,

or offer to pick up food he likes, or we'll cuddle together and watch something he likes that I don't really care about. I'll hold him while he cries, I'll pick up the slack - and I don't hold resentment about it. That's what partners do. But in the last few months, I've been going through a depression of my own. I don't lash out, but sometimes I get really really sad and desperately need support.

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And it feels like when he's able to offer support, it very frequently comes back to haunt me later. (For example, me feeling sad, him offering to pick up my favorite pizza and me taking him up on it, only for him to send me messages about how stressful and frustrating it is because the pizza wasn't ready in time and the other customers are being jerks, and by the time he gets home he's done and can't be near anyone for a while.)

Most recently I was having a really bad day, and he was there for me, held me while I cried, did some housework, talked me through some things. And that evening I was starting to feel a little stable, and out of nowhere he hit me with some passive aggressive comment,

and started talking about how his needs (which he had not communicated to me) hadn't been met all day and how I don't meet his needs in other ways and how I prioritize everyone else in my life but not him. And I was floored and devastated, because I *do* prioritize him, probably more than I prioritize myself which I'm trying to change since that isn't healthy.

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I think about what he wants or needs or might think of something *practically all the time*. But also, it was one more example of how I can't truly lean on him, I can't trust that he'll be able to support me emotionally even when he says he can. Later that same night our basement flooded, and he found it first.

All I heard was slamming doors and yelling, so I went downstairs to check, and when I asked what was going on, he screamed at me (basically in my face) 'What the f**k do you think???' Y'all, I'm bad at boundaries. I'm really, really bad at them. I'm always afraid people will be mad at me or leave me when I set them (and I have plenty of real examples to back up that fear, so it's not exactly unwarranted).

Over the summer, during therapy, I set some explicit boundaries of things that were not okay in arguments - things like screaming, throwing things, passive aggressive comments, etc. I've tried, since setting those boundaries, to make it known when they were crossed - saying 'ouch' or 'that wasn't an okay thing to say' or 'I need to leave the room until we can discuss this calmly'.

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Every inch of enforced boundaries has been PAINFUL and really hard, but I'm trying. But the screaming (and especially right after the day of supporting me and then lashing out at me without warning after) was one thing too many.

We're in a crisis right now, because (among other things), I've set a firm boundary around the screaming - it can't ever happen again. It just can't. Some people in my life who have been in abusive relationships have pointed out to me that screaming in someone's face IS abusive and violent even if it's not physical violence.

But when I speak to my husband about it, he feels that setting this boundary is setting him, and our relationship, up to fail. He doesn't feel like he can guarantee he won't do it again, and that if this is truly a hard boundary for me, that we should end our relationship.

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He knows the way he's been treating me is 'not okay'. He feels remorse for treating me that way. I know that I'm not perfect and I have work to do of my own (among other things, setting and enforcing boundaries, and untwisting myself from the pretzel shape I've become to accommodate my husband's needs/wants).

And in this list of problems, I haven't mentioned all of the good things. As with any post like this - there are amazing, positive things in our relationship too. We share values, politically and personally. We play video games together and travel together and have fun together and care deeply about each other.

He can be so kind and lovely. He's passionate about doing good and helping other people. **Is it reasonable for me to have this hard boundary?** Obviously, with or without that particular boundary, we are really struggling right now and may or may not be able to make this work.

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I keep thinking ;if the boundary was 'you can never hit me again' instead of 'you can never scream in my face again', no one would think that was an unreasonable boundary. Even if the hitting happened rarely (as the screaming has).

It seems to me that if someone can't guarantee they'll be able to manage their anger enough to not scream in someone's face, anger management therapy might be necessary (and I don't mean this flippantly - he apparently found out recently that he also has high blood pressure so this seems like a potential health issue as well).

I brought this up as an option and got no response. I don't my marriage to end. I didn't say those vows lightly. The idea of breaking up this relationship feels like I'm being torn apart. But I can't stay with things the way they are. I can't. And it feels like he's saying things are not going to change quickly. That he wants to change, but it's going to be a journey. I don't know what to do.

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Setting a boundary against screaming is not just reasonable—it’s essential. This woman’s husband’s behavior, from face-to-face yelling to passive-aggressive jabs, crosses into emotional abuse, eroding her sense of safety.

Dr. Lundy Bancroft, an expert on abusive relationships, writes, “Abuse is not caused by stress or depression; it’s a choice rooted in entitlement” (Lundy Bancroft). The husband’s refusal to guarantee he’ll stop screaming suggests a lack of accountability, despite his remorse. His childhood trauma and depression may explain his behavior, but they don’t excuse it. A 2023 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that 80% of callers reported verbal abuse as a primary issue, often escalating over time (The Hotline).

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Her struggle reflects a broader issue: women often contort themselves to accommodate partners’ emotions. Her “pretzel” metaphor captures the toll of prioritizing his needs over her own. His claim that her boundary sets him up to fail shifts blame, a common tactic in unhealthy dynamics.

Therapy, including individual anger management for him, is critical. Dr. Bancroft suggests abusers must commit to change through specialized programs, not just couples counseling. She should continue enforcing boundaries, perhaps exploring separation to prioritize her mental health.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit squad rolled in with a mix of tough love and heartfelt support, like a virtual coffee shop buzzing with opinions. From calling out red flags to urging self-respect, here’s what they said:

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stellastellamaris − You're already in counselling - what does your counsellor say about all of this? Do they think your boundaries (of not being verbally abused) are reasonable? (Hint: they ARE.). Also, he's punched walls, which is a HUGE red flag.

You mention his childhood trauma - what is he doing to address that? You mentioned depression - is there a diagnosis? What's his treatment plan? Does he have meds? A therapist or other mental health professional he sees outside of your couples' counsellor? YOU CAN'T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP HIM WARM. I think you know the answer I want to give you. (Google 'sunk cost fallacy'.)

MsAnthropic − Your hard boundary is reasonable. Does he scream and punch walls at work? I'm guessing not. If he can control himself at work, there's no reason he can't control himself at home.

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peacock_shrimp − Picture your hypothetical daughter. Picture a little girl that you had watched grow up, and nurtured and loved. Now imagine that, once grown, your daughter came to you and said that her husband not only yelled at her, he claimed he was *incapable*, not physically able, to not yell at her.

What would you tell that woman you loved dearly? If it was my daughter (or you, internet stranger!) I would tell them that it was b**lshit, that you were drawing a completely reasonable line and should be commended for standing up for your own self-respect,

and that the fact that your husband isn't ashamed of himself for claiming that he is not physically capable of not screaming in your face is reason enough for you to take him up on his offer. You see, the problem isn't fundamentally the yelling. The problem is that he doesn't respect you enough to think that the yelling is a problem.

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The solution to 'don't yell at my wife' feels so big to him that he's willing to trash the whole marriage over it rather than just let you have that boundary. What that says to me is that at a very deep subconscious level, he has zero respect for you. If his response to 'you cannot yell at me' is 'I'll take my ball and go home,' you have much larger problems than the yelling.

He is not willing to do the amount of work that 'don't yell in my face' would take. No wonder therapy hasn't really been working too well. You know you coddle him. You know you soften all his blows for him. I would bet every penny in my checking account that you arrange chunks of your life thinking 'Let's do it this way, if we do it that simpler way JimBob might get upset'.

He has cowed you emotionally, and when you asked him not to threaten you physically his response was 'f**k it, I quit.' Not acceptable. Keep taking steps towards asserting what's best for you, whether that be setting strong boundaries (go you, you did a good thing and should be commended, even if the results weren't what you hoped) or listening to what your heart tells you when you think about whether you want to keep going like this.

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TacticalMuffin4u − That doesn't sound like a 'smart, sexy, witty, wonderful man' to me.

CrankyWife − I think it comes down to your not feeling that you can trust him with your emotions. He is not your 'safe place.' And I don't this you can get past it.

W_O_M_B_A_T − Abusers always have trust issues.. You're in an abusive relationship. Admit that.

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[Reddit User] − We share values, politically and personally. We play video games together and travel together and have fun together and care deeply about each other.. You can find these things with a guy who isn't fragile, manipulative, and aggressive. Just saying.

mugwump3000 − If your husband finds the idea of not screaming in someone’s face impossible, then he should go live by himself under a rock away from society. Honestly. Come on.. No your boundary is not irrational. It is appropriate and important and necessary. If he says that not being allowed to *scream in your fave* is a dealbreaker for him then girl, break this deal.

What a horrible partner. Years of abuse. Counselling, and he still refuses to manage himself and his emotions like an adult. OP you deserve more. You deserve RESPECT. You get none now. I would cancel the rest of counselling and look at ending this, personally. It is abuse and he is being very, very honest: He sees no reason to stop.

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KeyraSkye186 − First of all. Screaming in someone’s face is rude and disrespectful. If he can’t control himself to keep from doin that then it is on him. Depression, mental issues etc or not; IT IS NEVER OK TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL LIKE S**T BECAUSE YOU CANT CONTROL YOURSELF. It is unacceptable behavior. In any form of relationship.

If he can’t get that under his control, then he does need the boundaries. It sounds like you are doing everything to make him comfortable with how he feels. You cannot feed into someone’s depression/anxieties/ negative feelings and expect it to get any better.

He needs to work on his own problems himself before he can even attempt to fix what is going on wrong in your relationship. There comes a time where he needs to realize that you are doing everything you can for him and he (taking from what you wrote) is being completely selfish at points in time. Which is really unfair to you.

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halakea − Your husband sounds exactly like my mom, especially given that you know this is largely influenced by his childhood trauma. Your “pretzel” remark resonates with me 100%. The thing is, he is NOT treating you like a person, and you deserve better than that, no matter how much you’re able to empathize with him.

I honestly have found r/raisedbynarcissists to be very helpful because even if he isn’t strictly speaking a narcissist, the fact that he demands that you contort your emotions to fit his is a completely unreasonable lack of boundaries on his part. You get to be a whole, imperfect person. That is your RIGHT as a human being with inherent worth.

I’m not saying your husband can’t improve, because my mom actually has gotten a little better over the last 5 years or so, but I would be very careful when deciding what you want your life to look like. You deserve to live a life that doesn’t involve getting screamed at.

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You deserve to live a life where you can have emotions without facing passive aggressive retaliation. I know it’s scary to think of anything beyond this, but I can’t tell you how happy I have been since I moved away from my parents. Like, it will be kind of cold and grey out but I’ll just take a deep breath and think about how free I am and have a huge grin on my face.

I have also had relationships that fit this pattern to a lesser degree, and after the initial shock of the break-up, I felt this glowing happiness at not have to tiptoe anymore. I don’t know you, but I am proud if you for setting this boundary. If you were my friend, I would ask what you thought about telling him it is a hard boundary and initiating a separation.

If he recognizes that your boundaries are the bare minimum of what you are owed as a human being and begins to make real steps towards improvement, then maybe think about where the relationship is going. What I have done in your situation, though, is leave.

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And the relief is like nothing you can imagine right now. Being alone is a million times better than being close to someone who hurts you. (And then you get to rebuild your life, and fine exclusively people who are good to you, and it gets better every day).. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish so much strength and self-love for you.

These Redditors rally behind her boundary, slamming her husband’s lack of respect. Some see his behavior as a dealbreaker, while others push for therapy. But do their fiery takes oversimplify the complexity of love and trauma? One thing’s clear: her story has sparked a lively debate.

This woman’s story is a gut-punch reminder that love doesn’t always conquer all. Her boundary against screaming is a bold step toward reclaiming her worth, but the threat of losing her marriage looms large. Can she and her husband find a path to healing, or is letting go the only way forward? Her journey challenges us to reflect on where we draw the line in love. What would you do if faced with her choice? Share your thoughts below and join the conversation.

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For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

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