My (44F) disabled husband (48M) wants me to have an open pass in our marriage now. Any advice?

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In a cozy living room, bathed in the soft glow of a late afternoon sun, a devoted wife sits stunned, her heart racing as her husband of a decade shares an unexpected proposal. His voice, tinged with vulnerability, suggests an open marriage—a selfless offer born from his struggles with Multiple Sclerosis. The weight of his words hangs in the air, stirring a whirlwind of emotions. How does one respond to such a heartfelt, yet jarring, gesture of love?

This Redditor’s story captures a raw, intimate moment that many couples navigating chronic illness might face. It’s a tale of love tested by life’s unpredictability, where communication becomes the lifeline. Readers are drawn into the couple’s journey, wondering how they’ll navigate this delicate crossroads. With humor and heart, let’s dive into their story, exploring the complexities of devotion and the power of honest connection.

‘My (44F) disabled husband (48M) wants me to have an open pass in our marriage now. Any advice?’

My husband and I have been together for a decade. Shortly before we got married 7 years ago, he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In the years since there has been a slow decline in his fine motor skills, vision and strength in his legs. In the last two years these things have added up and made our s** life decline.

This doesn't bother me as I know it is something neither of us can control. I didn't realize just how much it was starting to bother him until this past weekend. He informed me that he wants me to date and sleep with whomever I wish, that as long as I am in our bed at night, am honest with him and protect myself he is okay with it.

Needless to say, I am shocked. I never thought about this situation and I don't know what to do or think. I've tried to reassure him that I want him, not some stranger I just met.. I'm not sure what to do, does anyone have any ideas?

UPDATE: So after reading some of your comments, here are some details. Yes, we have s** toys. There are plenty of wands, dildos, vibes and plugs in our bedroom to be used if we wish. Also, yes some positions are better than others but they are draining no matter what. I am currently part of a support group for MS care partners.

I don't bring it up to them because they are mostly older than me and their partners are dead. Hubby and I are extremely honest with each other, about everything. We talk through each other's feelings, fantasies and realities. We have talked about being with another person, but always together as adding a third.

Now then, I brought up his offer to him last night. I asked why he thought this was necessary. He told me that he knew that eventually he would not be able to be intimate with me and that he didn't want me to feel like having those needs met with someone else was something he would deny me. I informed him that as much as I appreciated it, I didn't think it was needed.

That yes, s** has always been part of our lives, but it is a small aspect of our relationship. That I want him to be the one touching me, not just because I am attracted to him but because I love him. No one else is going to understand me, my love language or my body the same way. There was some crying, laughing and holding each other involved. Overall I feel better about the situation and I think he does as well.

Navigating intimacy in the face of chronic illness can feel like walking a tightrope. For this couple, the husband’s open marriage suggestion reflects a deep fear of failing his partner. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Emotional connection is the bedrock of a lasting relationship, often outweighing physical intimacy” (The Gottman Institute). This resonates here, as the wife prioritizes their emotional bond over external solutions.

The husband’s offer stems from self-doubt, a common sentiment among those with disabilities. A 2020 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that 60% of individuals with chronic illnesses report anxiety about sexual performance (Taylor & Francis Online). His proposal, though unconventional, is an act of love, aiming to preserve her happiness.

Yet, the wife’s response—choosing him over others—highlights a universal truth: love thrives on mutual understanding. Couples therapy, as suggested by commenters, could help them explore these feelings further. Gottman’s principle of “turning toward” each other’s bids for connection applies here, encouraging open dialogue.

For others in similar situations, experts recommend creative intimacy solutions, like exploring non-physical affection or using adaptive aids. Couples should discuss boundaries and seek support groups, such as the National MS Society’s resources (National MS Society).

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s finest have chimed in with their signature mix of wit and wisdom. Here’s a peek at the community’s hot takes—candid, heartfelt, and occasionally spicy.

iMightMakeSense − Couples therapy. I can only assume he may be coping with ideas that he can’t provide to you what he thinks you may be needing or maybe what he wishes he could give you. Sorry to hear this is going on, but I feel that a couples therapy is the best avenue for this and don’t just jump into an open marriage blindly.

MegaromStingscream − Just tell him that you are already sleeping with whoever you wish.

Spookypossum27 − As a disabled person I think he needs therapy and maybe couples therapy because it seems like he’s feeling quite like a burden and probably shame. These are quite difficult to overcome and can cause people to push the people we love away.

SpecialModusOperandi − He’s thinks you missing out - maybe introduce some toys, pick some out together to experiment with. Let him play with the controls on some.. Always good to talk about it too.

z-eldapin − He needs reassurance that he's not depriving you of the life he had forseen for the two of you.. Tell him that if you're ever having s**, it will be with him.. And time to get creative with being on top.

CurlyGirlie001 − As a disabled person, I feel his sadness and confusion. It’s an aspect of our lives we don’t often get to discuss, and our limitations in the bedroom can weigh heavily on us. Tell him that you gave long, careful consideration to his proposal, and as much as you appreciate him loving you enough to accept sharing you, you are sleeping with the only person you find attractive.

Let him know that you do still find him attractive, and that you are happy and fulfilled in your marriage. Ask him if he would join you in couples therapy so that you can work together on this aspect of the relationship, as well as any others. Reassure him and tell him you are grateful for him and that you will see this through together, come what may. Best wishes.

Pure_Air2606 − Dont do this, it will destroy your marriage

AgonistPhD − I mean, you can sleep with whoever you wish, and you already are! You just don't want to f**k people who aren't him. So, couples' therapy might help you figure out how to drive that point home better.

Even_Budget2078 − I am so sorry for what you are both going through. Please give your husband a huge hug, go to couples therapy, and let him work out why he suggested this. He sounds like he's depressed and struggling with his sense of self-worth and value. This is very, very sad and I hope you two can be a support to each other.

BelmontIncident − This is a wild stab in the dark but how do you feel about 'I don't want that. If it was just a matter of physical needs then a decent vibrator costs like $30 and has no ability to try to break up our marriage, and I already have the emotional connection I need with you.'?

These opinions spark a lively debate, but do they capture the full picture?

This couple’s journey reminds us that love isn’t about grand gestures but the quiet moments of understanding that bind us. Their story, woven with vulnerability and resilience, leaves us cheering for their renewed connection. What would you do if faced with such a heartfelt proposal? How would you balance love and life’s challenges? Drop your thoughts in the comments and let’s keep the conversation going!

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