My (M42) wife (F43) gets angry at our kids and only refers to them as mine. How do I get her to stop and apologize to our kids?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A 42-year-old dad champions his three teens’ self-expression—emo makeup, black clothes, and painted nails—while his 43-year-old wife lashes out, labeling them “his” kids in fits of anger.

Once a supportive mom, she now criticizes their styles, delivers snide remarks, and demands conformity, leaving their daughter in tears and their son declaring hate. Shared on Reddit, this father’s plea to stop her cruel behavior and secure an apology unveils a family rift threatening to tear them apart.

‘My (M42) wife (F43) gets angry at our kids and only refers to them as mine. How do I get her to stop and apologize to our kids?’

This is confusing and I think just stupid. My wife and I have 3 kids together. Two girls, one boy. These are all our biological children. My kids are at that age where they're finding themselves and learning what their interests actually are. Lots of self expression.

I'm a very open minded guy and I don't care what my kids are doing as long as they're healthy, safe, and most importantly, happy. One of my daughters is going through her emo phase (lol, I had one too at her age). My wife doesn't like this at all.

She absolutely despises it and criticizes her every time she sees her with her makeup and black clothes. She wants her to dress 'normal' in her words. I don't care, like I said. I'm the one who bought my daughter the clothes in the first place.

My wife has been doing this thing as of late where when she's angry, she'll make snide remarks disguised as compliments, and then get offended when called out. I call her out when she does this to our children. I think it's incredibly immature and downright cruel to do to kids, especially *our* kids.

She'll then claim that we're all 'dogpiling' on her and that she's sorry for being such a concerned mother who wants her kids to be normal. I've had multiple conversations about this with her. I think this is where her behavior came from, but I'm not sure.

When she gets mad about the way our kids are dressed now, she says things like 'look at how *your* daughter is dressed' and 'go get *your* son before I say something to him'. I don't like this. Our kids are starting to hate their mother for a variety of teenage reasons and this isn't helping at all.

I don't want their relationship to deteriorate because she can't handle a bit of black clothing. My son is the last to figure out his own style so he's been starting to latch onto his older sister's sense and music. My son was always a 'mommy's boy' before this so it's driving my wife insane.

He painted his nails black last week and his sister did eyeliner on him, and my wife nearly passed out from shock. This caused her to demand he take it off, scolded our daughter, and made her cry. My wife had then called me while I was at work telling me that I 'better come get my kids' before she 'gives them a reason to hate her'.

I luckily got to go home, and when I got there it was a bit of a wreck. My son was fuming on the couch and my two daughters were nowhere to be found. When I asked him what happened, my wife came storming out of the kitchen ripping me a new one for allowing this kind of disrespectful behavior.

While she was yelling, my son said that he hated her. She shrieked at me to 'control my kid' and I could see how hurt my son was to hear that. He went up to his room without a word, and I calmed my wife down enough to get the story in her words before telling her that she can't do that and needs to apologize.

She hasn't as far as I know. She's been giving me the silent treatment ever since and I'm honestly just tired. I don't give a damn what my kids are wearing or what type of music they're listening to. I know from first hand experience that if a kid can't do something, they're going to find a way to do it and start lying and sneaking around, and we all know how that can end.

I don't want that. I want open communication and a great relationship with everyone. This is stressing me out. How do I get my wife to apologize and stop saying these things? They're *our* kids and I know this rift is going to only get larger. My wife is beginning to resent me too I think.

Edit: Just to add some things, I would go to war for my kids, lol. My children weren’t showing signs of depression, just dabbling with style because it’s popular on TikTok. I had a s**tty upbringing and vowed to be the best dad I could. I’m trying. I’ve tried to keep most of this fighting behind closed doors as well.

I don’t believe in your kids being involved in the fighting between parents. I’ve been paying close attention to my kids and went out to eat on my day off with my two that are having problems with their mother. I bought my other daughter a new makeup thing for your eyes to show her that I didn’t forget about her either.

My wife was not always like this. My wife was great with the kids and always a very even tempered woman. I have no idea where this behavior came from but it is concerning. Shes never mistreated our kids and used to be the proud mommy in the crowd at their school plays.

No one is interested in therapy at the moment, but I especially want to get my wife the help I think she needs. She was always a very supportive, positive woman and that’s why I fell in love with her. I do not want to divorce, but if it truly came down to it, I’d be fighting for full custody.

I don’t care if our kids wear some makeup, are goth, gay, into sports, D&D or whatever else it may be. They’re my babies and I’ll fight tooth and nail if it comes down to it, but I pray that it doesn’t. I love everyone involved.

Parenting thrives on acceptance, but this mother’s shift to controlling behavior risks lasting damage. Her rejection of her teens’ emo styles and her habit of disowning them as “his” kids when angry reflect a loss of control, possibly tied to their growing independence. Her silent treatment and defensive “dogpiling” claims further signal emotional immaturity, harming family trust.

Adolescence is a critical time for identity formation. A 2022 study in Journal of Family Psychology found that parental criticism of teens’ self-expression correlates with a 40% higher risk of estrangement by adulthood. Dr. Lisa Damour, a teen psychology expert, notes, “When parents shame kids’ harmless exploration, they erode trust and invite rebellion”. The mother’s bullying—scolding, demanding conformity—could push her kids toward secrecy or self-harm.

Her sudden change from supportive to critical suggests underlying issues, possibly control or abandonment fears, as Reddit suggests. Her fixation on “normal” reflects outdated norms, clashing with today’s acceptance of alternative styles. The father’s open-minded approach fosters healthy communication, but her refusal to apologize escalates tension.

Immediate action is needed. He should firmly address her behavior privately, emphasizing its harm to the kids and their bond. Proposing family therapy can help her confront control issues and rebuild trust, while individual counseling might uncover her shift’s root. He must protect the kids, reinforcing their right to self-expression and modeling respect. If she refuses change, separation may be necessary to shield the family. His commitment to open dialogue and kid-focused parenting is a strong foundation for healing.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit community condemned the wife’s behavior as bullying, warning that her conditional love and harsh criticism could permanently alienate her children, with some sharing personal stories of cutting off similar parents. Many urged the father to insist on therapy for her, citing her control issues as a red flag for deeper emotional problems.

Commenters praised his support for his kids’ self-expression, encouraging him to prioritize their well-being, even if it means leaving her to prevent further harm. The consensus stressed that her refusal to change risks a fractured family, pushing for immediate intervention.

TBagger1234 − My mother alienated my brother to the point that when he turned 18, he moved 3000 miles from home and never looked back. I have been in therapy for years trying to sort out my self h**red and need to overachieve at everything I do.. Protect your children.

PeachBanana8 − Get your wife into therapy. She’s at the point where her behaviour is damaging to your children. Her never-ending criticism and disappointment could push them to *actually* rebel in ways that are dangerous or self-destructive.

Dingo-thatate-urbaby − Your wife is being a bully. Honestly, she clearly has no intention of changing so for the kids sake I hope you don’t stay with her

chookensnaps − My dad did this the moment he realised he couldn't control every single on of our actions. Guess who hasn't been spoken to by either of his children since we left home?

Creative_Recover − Your wife needs to accept that your kids have identities separate to hers and that they need to find their own way in life.  Your wife's views are incredibly outdated and it sounds like she's actively bullying your children. Was your wife a bully in school- where are these views coming from? 

You need to call out and correct this behaviour out as and when it's happening and to not back down (especially if she's doing it in front of your kids), even if your wife tries to fight you about it. 

Your wife is being incredibly cruel & mean, she has become a 90s highschool bully (and I emphasize 90s because as someone who recently graduated from uni, I can say that kids these days really don't bully each other about stuff like this anymore).

Alternative fashions like emo, grunge & goth are pretty mainstream now, you can buy these looks off any fast fashion retailer (and it is your wife who really needs to get with the times). 

the_show_must_go_onn − Your kids bully is someone they can't escape from. If your wife doesn't agree to counseling, I would leave her & do my best to get full custody. You need to show them that you'll protect them even from their mother.

Cultural_Shape3518 − Time to insist on counseling, I think.  Like you said, emo phases are normal.  Maybe not her ideal version of normal, but if she insists on picking fights over it when they’re not harming anyone, that’s just going to create more rebellion.

And while it’s not great that you’re having to have this out in front of the kids, her complaining that everyone’s ganging up on her is more immature than anything they’re doing.

callmesillysally − Your wife is behaving this way because of her lack of control as mom. She says that they are your kids because you encourage them to explore their interests in style which deviates from the power of influence that she has over them. Your son growing out of his mommy’s boy stage is angering her because she’s losing control over him.

When she says she wants them to be normal, she means her definition and rules of normal. She may be feeling that the kids are abandoning her. You should try to change your approach when talking to her

try to reassure her that the kids growing up and changing doesn’t mean that they will love her less.. You should encourage her to seek counseling.. Question: Does your wife usually have control issues? What about a history of being abandoned?

Zeroharas − She's performing a very divisive behavior that suggests that when the kids are doing something that she disapproves of, they are no longer family to her. AKA conditional love. She's also doing that to you, with her silent treatment.

The way she interacts with you guys is super toxic, and you all would benefit from her getting some therapy and learning a better way to express her discomfort and growing pains. My mom did a lot of stuff like your wife does

And I couldn't stand her. I tried to separate from her as much as possible, and had to get over a lot of self-h**red because of it. Protect YOUR kids(sorry, couldn't help myself).

Early-Tale-2578 − I made it halfway through this post but from what I read your wife is basically bullying her own children. I had a tom boy phase through out high school there's nothing wrong with your kids . Your wife at her big grown ass age needs to grow up

This story of a mother’s cruel jabs at her teens’ identities reveals the cost of control in a family craving acceptance. Her “your kids” remarks and refusal to apologize deepen a rift, while a devoted dad fights for unity.

The Reddit chorus cheers his resolve, urging therapy or tough choices to protect his children. Have you seen a parent struggle with a teen’s self-expression? Share your thoughts below and let’s explore how families navigate love and identity!

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