[UPDATE] My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a woman, her patience worn thin after years of sleepless nights, finally laying down an ultimatum to save her marriage—and her sanity. For a 29-year-old mother, her husband’s refusal to treat his severe sleep apnea has driven her from their shared bed to a hotel room, her young daughter in tow. His broken promise to wear a CPAP machine was the final straw, pushing her toward divorce. Readers, this Reddit update is a gut-punch of resolve and heartbreak.

For those who want to read the previous part: My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?  Her five-year battle with his snoring and denial has now reached a breaking point. Packing up her life, she’s choosing her health and her daughter’s future over a partner who won’t change. Can she rebuild from here? Let’s explore this escalating drama and Reddit’s take.

‘[UPDATE] My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?’

I told him either wear his CPAP or I'm out. He said OK. He wouldn't hold our agreement for one day so I left. Last night, after reading all of your messages I sat down and I gave him an ultimatum - either he wears his CPAP/pursues another solution or I want a divorce. We have a daughter and she deserves her dad.

He really didn't say anything other than OK. A few hours later I asked him what the plan was and he said the same as it has been, wear his CPAP. Today, the machine said he wore it for two hours last night. He had said he wore it all night.

Ok the machine might be wrong or may have reset during the night - I asked if we could see on the CPAP app on his phone? He said no.. That started a fight that ended in me realizing he's not going to change. He probably did only wear it for 2 hours last night and is lying.

He is not upholding his part which included communicating his progress on the very first day. I said I was done. I want a divorce. I asked him to leave. He said no. I ended up packing up my daughter and we went to a hotel. I'm not leaving her. I feel guilty about this, but I was worried it was going to escalate and I needed to get away from him.

Moving forward, I'm going to try to find a short term rental until I can buy a house of my own. I don't want to stay with him any longer and he's made it clear he's not leaving. Then we can sell our current house. I'm going to meet with a divorce lawyer this week.

The good thing is, I work from home and I make more than enough to support myself and my daughter. I also just completed my MBA and will hopefully be using that soon. Thank you for all your perspectives, time and words of support as well as giving it to me straight.

My only girl this life is to be a good mom and I'm just trying to set a good example for my daughter. Previous edit: everyone saying that he needs a CPAP, I agree. This is what I've told him for five years. Everyone that's saying he should try this… I guarantee you I've presented that as a solution for him.

The inspire implant, BIPAP, mouth guards, surgery etc. He insists that he will only try the CPAP. I've suggested different masks and he's reluctant but he's tried two different ones. I do appreciate all your support and suggestions, though. ❤️ I guess I made this post just venting. I don't really know why I made it.😂

I sat down with him and I gave an ultimatum. I told him that he needs to treat his sleep apnea or i will divorce him. He didn't say much. We will see what he does with it. End edit. Update is.... there is no update. I am considering filing for divorce by the end of the year if this doesn't get resolved.

For the past five years, my husband's sleep apnea has been a significant challenge in our marriage. Initially, I slept next to him, but his snoring made it difficult for me to get restful sleep. Despite trying different solutions like earplugs, my sleep continued to suffer.

When I became pregnant, I reached a point where I couldn't handle the lack of sleep anymore. On my therapist's recommendation, I decided to move to the spare room across the hall, and we've been sleeping separately for the last two years.

A year ago, his snoring became so loud that it started waking me up from across the hall, forcing me to move to the basement to get some rest. Unfortunately, sleeping in the basement took a toll on my mental health. After several conversations with him about my concerns, I expressed that I didn't want to sleep in the basement anymore and asked him to see a doctor for his sleep apnea.

Instead, he started sleeping in the basement himself, which felt like a temporary fix rather than a long-term solution. The issue persists, especially when we travel, as our daughter and I end up sharing a room with him, and his snoring makes it difficult for us to sleep.

I'm increasingly concerned about how this might affect our daughter's sleep as well. I recently sat down with him to express my concerns about his health and the impact this situation is having on our marriage. I shared that I was worried about the potential long-term consequences, both for him and for our relationship because I have read studies that state that people die in their early 30's with untreated severe sleep apnea.

In response, he made a comment that deeply upset me. He laughed and said 'At least I have 10 more years.' Though I’ve tried to stay calm throughout this, I couldn't hold back my frustration in that moment. After I lost it, he did go to the doctor and got a new CPAP machine, but wearing it consistently has been a challenge for him.

There have been various excuses about its discomfort, and despite his insistence that the CPAP is the only option, he hasn't been able to wear it through the night. We tried sleeping in the same bed again, but I found myself waking up multiple times to remind him to put the CPAP back on.

After two weeks of disrupted sleep, I realized that he was taking the CPAP off as soon as I fell asleep, and I had to return to the basement. Lately, I've noticed through reports on the CPAP machine that he hasn't been wearing the CPAP at all, which has left me feeling incredibly frustrated and helpless. I feel like its creating a huge wedge in our relationship and making me feel unattracted to him.

This has been an ongoing issue for five years, and I’m struggling to see how I can continue living like this for another five. I'm trying to stay calm and find the right words to express my feelings, but if we can't resolve this, I may need to consider other options for my own well-being.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This marriage’s collapse under the weight of untreated sleep apnea is as tragic as it is avoidable. The wife’s ultimatum—treat the condition or face divorce—was a desperate bid to save their family, but her husband’s lie about using the CPAP and refusal to leave the home sealed their fate. Let’s dive deeper with expert insights.

Her husband’s apathy, from dismissing her pleas to joking about dying young, shows a deeper issue: neglecting mutual care in marriage. His two-hour CPAP use, followed by a lie, broke trust. As WebMD notes, severe apnea risks heart failure and early death, yet his refusal persists. Her move to a hotel protects her daughter from escalating tension, prioritizing safety.

This ties to a broader issue: health-related dealbreakers in relationships. A 2024 survey by Sleep Foundation found 35% of couples cite untreated sleep issues as a divorce factor. Dr. Michael Breus, a sleep specialist, states, “Ignoring apnea dismisses your partner’s health, fracturing intimacy” (The Sleep Doctor). Her exit reflects a boundary, not abandonment.

Moving forward, she should consult a divorce lawyer promptly, as planned, to secure custody and financial stability. Therapy could help her process guilt and rebuild confidence. Her MBA and work-from-home job are assets for independence. For others facing similar neglect, setting clear deadlines and consequences, as she did, is key.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit stormed in like a caffeine-fueled support crew, cheering her courage with a mix of empathy and outrage. From health horror stories to calls for immediate divorce, the comments are a fiery rally for her freedom. Here’s the buzz:

UsuallyWrite2 − If he finds the mask uncomfortable, there are other mask options. It’s odd to me that he doesn’t see how this isn’t just about your discomfort but his own health. Sleep apnea isn’t “just” snoring. It’s literally starving his brain of oxygen.

RubyJuneRocket − He is actively and repeatedly choosing not to address the issues, going so far as to lie to you. He sounds like he doesn’t think you will actually leave so he isn’t going to actually bother changing. The fact that he would joke about only being around for 10 more years… don’t you want to be with someone who looks forward to the future with you? This guy isn’t even imagining one, he’s certainly not working towards it.

RandomReddit9791 − My friend and her husband died from sleep apnea. They were both in their mid-20s and overweight. They died in their sleep less than a year apart. 

potenttechnicality − He needs to 'practice' with the mask. On a day off, when he wakes up, leave the mask on while he reads in bed. When he gets time to relax and unwind after work, play a game while he's wearing it. Meditate wearing the damn thing--focus on breathing.

This will save his life and sanity. Apnea almost destroyed me. I was having 98 interruptions per hour. Basically I was surviving on micro naps and was barely functional during my day. I'm now wearing it every night and am a normal functional person.

TheDissolutionist − The issue isn't even the apnea anymore, it's his refusal to take it serious, address how it's affecting his health and your marriage. All you can do is hold firm on your boundary, and if he chooses to force this, that's on him....and maybe a split is the reasonable and healthiest option for you.

KeyFly3 − He jokes about having ten years left, you take him at his word, tell him you want to have a serious conversation with him, and it isn't about getting him to wear his cpap machine. Instead, lay several papers in front of him - a fill in last will and testament, a life insurance form with your daughter as beneficiary, and a list for his funeral.

Tell him you want him to fill them out and sign them. You also want know what he wants to leave for your daughter for her graduation, her marriage, for your first grand child - letters? video recordings?- because he's not going to be there.. Play hardball.. Or divorce him.. Or wait to become a young widow.

TroublesomeTurnip − Why not divorce now and give yourself an early gift before 2025? Why wait any longer?

hopeless_baguette − I left a long term relationship, partially because he continued to drag his feet about seeing a doctor to get a CPAP machine. Your sleep (and your daughter's sleep) matter, and for him to refuse to take responsibility for this MAJOR HEALTH ISSUE is a serious red flag. It absolutely could kill him in the next 10 years untreated.

Let him know that this is incredibly serious to you and if he doesn't change and get on a strict CPAP regimen, you're done. I wouldn't stay either. I know how incredibly FRUSTRATING this is, and you shouldn't put up with it any longer. He's had 5 years to change and refuses.

FairyCompetent − Why wait until the end of the year? This will not change. It hasn't changed in five years, and honestly even if he makes some minimal efforts *just* to keep you from leaving, that's not enough. He is a bad partner and setting a bad example as a parent. Just go. It won't be easier later.

herculepoirot4ever − You’ve done enough. All these suggestions about masks and practice and blah blah blah are not your problem. It’s HIS problem. If he loved you and your kid, he would have gone to the doctor the first time you mentioned the snoring and apnea.

He would have googled for tips and tricks himself. He would have solved this issue. But he doesn’t give a s**t. He’s perfectly happy to die young from an enlarged heart rather than wear a mask to sleep. He’s happy to sleep apart from his wife for years rather than wear a mask.

He’s shown you what his priorities are. Tell him to take his snoring ass to a motel and serve him with divorce papers. Fwiw—my husband mentioned I was snoring a few years ago. I figured that was why I was suddenly so tired and cranky.

I got a sleep study asap and a CPAP. I struggled with the machine and mask and googled for tips. I adjusted my ramp up time and flow rate and started reading in bed or watching tv with the mask to get used to it. 7 years later and I’ve never missed a night of good sleep with my mask.

These Redditors hailed her as a role model for her daughter, slamming her husband’s lies and inaction. Some urged swift legal action, others shared apnea’s deadly toll. But do their bold cheers capture the full weight of her choice, or just fuel the fire? This story’s sparking a wake-up call.

This update reveals the cost of ignoring a fixable health issue, where one partner’s neglect dismantled a marriage. The woman’s strength in leaving, daughter in arms, sets a powerful example, but the road ahead—divorce, new home, single motherhood—looms large. Have you ever had to walk away from a partner who wouldn’t prioritize health? What would you do in her shoes? Share your stories and insights below—let’s keep this conversation alive.

For those who want to read the sequel:[UPDATE 2] My husband (28M)’s sleep apnea is ruining our marriage. (I (29F) filed for divorce) Can you give me advice moving forward?

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