My friend (34F) told me (30F) she made a pass at my boyfriend (32M) two years ago. Do I act on this, if so how?

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Picture a cozy coffee shop, the air thick with the scent of roasted beans, where a casual catch-up takes a gut-punching turn. A woman, let’s call her Lily, sits across from her friend, expecting light gossip, only to hear a confession that flips her world: two years ago, this friend drunkenly hit on Lily’s boyfriend. The sting of betrayal lingers like a bitter aftertaste. Lily’s heart races—her friend’s apology feels hollow, and her boyfriend’s silence adds salt to the wound. How does she navigate this trust-shattering bombshell?

The revelation leaves Lily reeling, torn between anger and confusion. Her once-tight friendship feels like a cracked mirror, and her boyfriend’s omission raises questions. Readers can’t help but wonder: is this a forgivable slip or a dealbreaker? The emotional weight of the moment pulls us in, urging us to explore the messy layers of loyalty, honesty, and forgiveness in relationships.

‘My friend (34F) told me (30F) she made a pass at my boyfriend (32M) two years ago. Do I act on this, if so how?’

I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for four years, and we live together. I love him very much and over time we've integrated some of our friendship groups. One of my friends (34F) was one of those, and she became friends with my boyfriend too.

My friend would always tell me how lucky I was, and would lament to me about her bad romantic experiences. She would bring boyfriends around but they'd always break up, and the cycle would repeat. However, recently she asked if I wanted to go for coffee with her.

I agreed, and while there she told me that two years ago on a night out I had been present at, she had got drunk and hit on my boyfriend. I was totally stunned. She was quick to stress that my boyfriend refused, and nothing happened.

She told me she felt guilty and wanted to clear her conscience. She said sorry over and over. I told her I couldn't accept her apology right then because I felt so shocked, and went home. I immediately spoke to my boyfriend, who admitted it had happened. He told me that while I'd been in a bathroom, my friend drunkenly approached him and asked if he wanted to do anything with her.

She also told him 'she'll never know', which particularly hurt me. My boyfriend said he was sorry and that nothing happened. My question is about where I go from here. Is this worth losing my friend or boyfriend over? Or is it better to move on? I won't deny I'm very hurt, and really don't know how to respond.

Lily’s tale of a friend’s betrayal cuts deep, exposing the fragile threads of trust in relationships. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments” (The Gottman Institute). Lily’s friend chose to slide the door shut by hitting on her boyfriend, and his silence missed a chance to reinforce trust.

Lily faces a clash: her friend’s guilt-driven confession versus her boyfriend’s protective silence. The friend’s “she’ll never know” comment suggests premeditation, not just a drunken slip, eroding the friendship’s foundation. The boyfriend’s choice to shield Lily from drama, while understandable, sidestepped transparency, which Gottman emphasizes as key to healthy bonds. This reflects a broader issue: how do we balance honesty with avoiding unnecessary pain in relationships?

Statistically, 70% of people report experiencing betrayal by a friend at some point . Lily’s hurt is universal, tied to expectations of loyalty. Her friend’s delayed confession raises red flags—why now? It could be genuine remorse or a subtle power play, as some Redditors suspect. Either way, the trust is fractured.

Dr. Gottman advises rebuilding trust through consistent, transparent actions. For Lily, this means a candid talk with her boyfriend about future openness. As for the friend, setting firm boundaries or stepping back may protect Lily’s peace. Readers, consider reflecting on your own boundaries—how would you rebuild trust here? Gottman’s approach suggests small, honest steps can mend cracks, but only if both parties commit.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit crew dove into Lily’s drama like it was a spicy group chat, serving up a mix of support, shade, and skepticism. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

WildRicochet − Tbh this sounds like a play at creating a wedge between you and your boyfriend, so that she can start prying you 2 apart. My vote: tell boyfriend something like 'I would have preferred you told me about this situation when it happened, but I can understand why you might not have. In the future you should really tell me about something like that when it happen'. Go on living your life together. Don't let a bad friend ruin a good relationship.

isaseli − I wouldn't break up with him, maybe he thought she was drunk and didn't want to end your friendship, I don't know, I think what matters is that he refused her advances. But I would absolutely cut off my friendship with her, even if I forgave her, it's not good to be friends with someone who is jealous of you and who you can't trust.

Alleandros − lol why would you lose your boyfriend over this? He turned her down and didn't want to put you in a bad spot by telling you what she did - probably recognizing she was wasted and was a one off and wouldn't happen again.

[Reddit User] − Not sure why she would admit to it two years later and why would she admit to something that in theory never happened. If you take her word for it and she was clearing her conscience, what if he had said yes.

And yet she told you she said 'she'll never know' to him. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes but this sounds very manipulative and untrustworthy behaviour from her. Alcohol is never an excuse. Very strange... it sounds like she wanted to see your reaction.

MurtaghInfin8 − Tough position for everyone. Your friend shouldn't have done it. Your BF should have let you know it happened. Give yourself a week and just get in touch with your feelings.. If the friendship has to end, so be it.

Just be sure that's what you want. Why do you think your BF didn't tell you? Do you think it was selfish that he didn't or compassionate? People aren't perfect, so when it's an inherently difficult position, what's more telling is the motivation.

No-Experience5083 − Your boyfriend probably just saw it as her being drunk and stupid, so he didn't want to cause any drama by bringing it up and just let it go. Especially since it hasn't happened again since then.

I wouldn't break up with him, but I'd keep a close eye on the friend. But again.. if she hasn't done it in TWO years, I doubt she would again with your boyfriend especially because she already knows he'd reject her anyways. Idk.. but I wouldn't be mad at the boyfriend.

l3ex_G − I would lose the friend. I couldn’t have someone in my life who would want to cause me that type of pain. I get why your bf didn’t tell you but have a convo with him now about how you want to know these things when they happen.

ThrowRaAnubis − dont trust her, it seems shady, don’t break up with your boyfriend, he should’ve told you but he did the right thing

blackcatsneakattack − Ugh. So, I'd like two offer my two cents. I would have a come-to-Jesus talk with your friend. Tell her that, while you appreciate her being honest with you now, she has completely eroded your trust in her and violated a sacred element of your friendship by lying to you through omission over the last two years.

Not only did she make a play for your long-term boyfriend, but she encouraged him to lie to you about it ('she'll never know'). Being drunk doesn't make you do things you don't want to do-- it just lowers your inhibitions, meaning that she's thought about sleeping with him before, and thought about how to keep it a secret from you.

That's not what friends do. Then I would wonder 'why now?' If she felt so guilty about it, why did she wait two years to say something to you? I don't buy the bit about clearing her conscious, to be truthful. She's either looking to fully absolve herself from guilt (which she shouldn't, because what she did was really fucked up) or she's intentionally trying to cause you distress now.

Others have said that they think she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend so she can squeeze herself in, and I tend to agree. Maybe this isn't the case, but who can really know? She's proven herself distrustful.

As for your boyfriend, I don't think you need to end your relationship with him. Yes, he should have told you right away, but I can see several reasons why he might not have. 1) He could have just seen it as a foolish, drunken mistake on her part; 2) He could have wanted to save you the pain of your friend's betrayal; 3)

He may have wanted to avoid drama; or 4) He was concerned you either wouldn't believe him or she'd twist it around and claim he was hitting on her. I think you should tell him that, going forward, this is the kind of thing you need to be completely open and honest about with each other. Additionally, you *both* need to cut ties with this friend.

You said he's become friends with her, too; he needs to be fully on board with removing her from your lives. I'd take any hesitancy on his part as a giant red flag and would reevaluate the relationship going forward if he fought you on it. It's a s**t situation, one that I'm unfortunately not unfamiliar with, but at least your boyfriend stayed faithful (mine did not). I wish you the best of luck.

Fun_Concentrate_7844 − Not sure why you would break up with your bf. Should he have told you about it? Probably. But he did his job by shutting it down.

These Redditors brought the heat, cheering Lily’s boyfriend for shutting down the advance but side-eyeing the friend’s motives. Some see her confession as a sneaky wedge, others as a late attempt at honesty. But do these hot takes capture the full vibe, or are they just stirring the pot? One thing’s clear: Lily’s story has tongues wagging.

Lily’s coffee shop confession unveils a tangle of trust and betrayal, leaving her at a crossroads. Her boyfriend’s loyalty holds firm, but his silence stings. The friend’s apology, while earnest, can’t erase the crack in their bond. Moving forward, Lily might lean on open communication with her boyfriend and reassess her friendship’s worth. What would you do if a friend dropped this bombshell on you? Share your thoughts—how do you rebuild trust or decide when to walk away?

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