My (30M) Fiancée (29F) has discovered a new love of cooking and made me her unwilling sous chef?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A simmering tension fills the air of their cozy apartment, where the clatter of pots and pans signals not just dinner but a brewing conflict. Once content with takeout and shared chores, a couple now finds their harmony disrupted by a newfound passion. The fiancée, 29, has transformed their kitchen into a culinary playground, her enthusiasm for elaborate recipes bubbling over like an unattended sauce. Yet, her partner, a 30-year-old man, feels less like a guest at the feast and more like an indentured sous chef, roped into hours of chopping and stirring against his will.

His reluctance isn’t about the food—her dishes are undeniably delicious—but about the time and attitude that come with her hobby. What began as a joyful discovery has morphed into a nightly obligation, complete with sharp orders and accusations of unfairness. Readers can’t help but wonder: where’s the line between supporting a partner’s passion and being drafted into their personal project? This kitchen clash, sparked by love and seasoned with resentment, sets the stage for a deeper look at balance in relationships.

‘My (30M) Fiancée (29F) has discovered a new love of cooking and made me her unwilling sous chef?’

So, my fiancée has taken up cooking during quarantine. Previously, we did not cook much and instead ate out a lot. We could afford it and are generally healthy eaters. Of course, we both CAN cook but given how busy we are it was easier to eat out.

Also to be honest, I don't really enjoy cooking and see it as a chore to be avoided. I love food but there are other things I'd rather do with my time. Due to quarantine, my fiancée has decided to actually cook more and she has found she really enjoys it.

This is great! I'm happy for her that she's discovered a new thing that brings her joy. Turns out she's also quite good at it and cares about learning new skills, etc., so I've been benefiting as well. I still don't really care to cook myself like I said, so in return for her putting all this effort into cooking I've been helping out by paying for take out on nights she doesn't want to cook as well as doing all the dishes and cleaning the counters, etc.

for the days when she does cook. As far as I was aware she agreed that this was a suitable compromise, and of course if she felt it was unfair I would have been happy to pick up the slack in other ways. But she seemed to be happy with this.

As her cooking experiments expanded to baking and generally became more elaborate, she started to rope me into cooking. I'd head to the kitchen to get a drink and check on her and she'd be like, 'oh can you help me chop this while I saute this...' or something.

I would chop some carrots for her or whatever and chat with her about the meal and then head back to whatever I was doing. I didn't mind this at all. But it has slowly grown into me becoming her sous chef, especially when she wants to make meals that are really easier with two people.

Keep in mind her cooking experiments are elaborate and sometimes take two or more hours. So my entire evening is gone to these cooking endeavors and this happens multiple times a week. On top of that, she tends to order me around in the kitchen and can be a little rude.

As you can probably predict we had a fight about it. I told her that I dislike her attitude in the kitchen when I help, and I don't like cooking to begin with. I would feel better about helping her if she wasn't so rude to me. But quite frankly, I don't want to spend 8+ hours every week cooking.

It is not MY hobby, it's hers. If she wanted me to pitch in by providing meals, I would buy them or make something simple. She was very upset. She said that it wasn't fair that I was enjoying the fruits of her labor but not contributing, and that cooking took 2 hours but doing the dishes/cleaning only took half an hour.

I told her that it was her decision to make very elaborate meals and that I would be happy if she put together a simple pizza or stir fry. After a certain point, the elaborateness of her meals crosses into hobby territory and I resent being made to feel like I'm a bad partner because I don't want to give up multiple evenings to HER hobby.

We did not really resolve this. I actually bought/made some of my own meals on a few nights so I wasn't 'enjoying the fruits of her labor' but this seemed to make her more upset and our fridge started to fill with more leftovers than she could eat herself.

Another time I ended up helping her but told her I needed to go to a videochat at 8 pm, and she got upset when I actually stopped helping to leave even though I'd told her beforehand. I told her a little snappishly, I'm afraid, that I wasn't her sous chef to boss around in the kitchen.

I tried to discuss this with her again when we were feeling calmer. I told her that I loved that she found a new hobby but it is HER hobby and I can't help with it and don't want to feel obligated to do so. She retorted that it wasn't feminist of me to relegate the cooking to her and benefit from it without helping.

The feminism connection makes little sense to me because previously neither of us cooked much and she chose to take up cooking herself, but of course I didn't tell her that. I told her that if she wants to discuss the distribution of labor in our house we can do so and come up with something new that reflects that she's cooking more now.

We tried to do this but she wanted to count ALL the time she spends cooking as 'chore time.' So according to her ideal chore distribution, she spends 10+ hours cooking DINNER ONLY every week, which somehow leaves me with pretty much all the rest of the chores.

I told her I wasn't happy with this, because making elaborate meals is a hobby. It isn't fair that say, 6/10 hours of her 'chores' is actually her hobby, and I have to do an equivalent amount of actual chores, if that makes sense. So we're at a bit of an impasse. Am I actually being a bad feminist? I don't think I am wrong (I am quite familiar with emotional labor, mental load, all that) but maybe I am.

I love this woman and obviously want to marry her but we're usually good at making decisions logically and this is the first time we've had such a disagreement. I don't know how to get her to understand the boundary between cooking as a necessary activity and cooking as a hobby. I would appreciate your advice. 

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This kitchen saga, where one partner’s hobby becomes another’s chore, highlights the delicate dance of shared responsibilities. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Successful couples negotiate household tasks with mutual respect, ensuring neither feels overburdened” (The Gottman Institute). Here, the fiancée’s passion for cooking clashes with her partner’s disinterest, creating a rift over what counts as “fair.”

The core issue is defining cooking as chore versus hobby. Her elaborate meals, while delicious, demand hours that he argues exceed basic necessity. He’s not wrong—simple meals can suffice, and his contributions (dishes, takeout) show effort. Yet, her frustration suggests she feels unappreciated, possibly tying her self-worth to her culinary creations. Her feminism jab, though, feels like a misfire; he’s not shirking duty but setting boundaries around her voluntary passion.

This reflects a broader issue: unequal emotional labor in relationships. A 2021 study found 59% of women feel they handle more household mental load than men (Journal of Family Issues). Her insistence on counting all cooking as chore time may stem from this dynamic, but it overlooks his perspective. Compromise is key—perhaps capping elaborate cooking to weekends or alternating simple meal nights.

Dr. Gottman advises couples to “turn toward each other’s bids for connection.” She might see cooking as bonding, but her bossy demeanor alienates him. They could try prepping ingredients together earlier, reducing kitchen time, or he could cook simple meals occasionally. Open dialogue, focusing on feelings rather than accusations, can realign their roles.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit crew dished out a feast of opinions, serving up support, shade, and a side of humor. From chefs to exhausted partners, they weighed in with raw takes on this culinary clash. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

[Reddit User] − I don’t have any actual advice, just, I’ve been there. I like to cook and sometimes very elaborate meals and it took me a long time to realize that my family was actually happier with the simple meals. I’d get so stressed over making some fancy thing,

and then right when we are about to eat there’s some minor disagreement and I felt like dinner was ruined after spending hours on it. I’m not sure what anyone could have said to me to make me realize it sooner though so sorry if this isn’t much help. I make a lot more pizza and hamburgers these days.

Kholzie − I’ve spent a long time in food service and am good friends with chefs. This has taught me that one of the biggest components of getting food made quickly is prep...something that is literally a full time job. If this is really her passion project, she should do more prep.

That means having things chopped, marinated and sauces and such prepared as much ahead of time as you can. Cooking is an ORDEAL when you don’t prep properly and are doing everything on the fly.. One or two days a week devoted to prep would make your lives a lot easier.

Muchado_aboutnothing − My boyfriend is just like this....it exhausts me. He’s a professor, and when he’s working, he can’t cook as much....now that it’s the summer and he’s not working, he wants to make an elaborate meal every night.

I work full time (from home because of COVID), and when I come downstairs after work and he’s been working on a meal all day, he’ll start acting all pissy, like I should’ve been helping him but didn’t. I want to be like, “I didn’t ask you to do all this, though...?”

I actually don’t mind doing the sous-chef thing when it’s a lighter day at work...it can be kind of fun. Honestly, it’s the dishes that kill me. Every meal he makes produces like 50 different dirty dishes that have to be hand washed (we don’t have a dishwasher, and our kitchen sink is tiny.) It’s because the meals he makes are so complicated.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that I would really just rather order a pizza than stay up until 10:30 cooking and doing dishes with him, even when we do it together. By that point, I just want to watch a movie with him or go to bed. I don’t know what to do to get him to stop cooking.....it’s killing me 😭

[Reddit User] − I'm actually pretty frustrated with your wife for claiming that you are being antifeminist with this, because, as a feminist, I'm familiar with the fact that there are women all over this planet who genuinely have NO choice but to slave away in a kitchen, while their partners do nothing and express no gratitude.

She is turning this into a Cause, when she has no business doing so. It sounds like she's not actually enjoying the cooking all that much. If she's this stressed, if she's demanding help, if she's seeing it as a chore, then it's obviously not a happy hobby to her, and she doesn't have to be doing it, so *why is she?*

The only advice I have is to put it to her this way. An analogy: You both do an equal portion of the yard work. You mow and she sprays the weeds, and that's really all your yard needs to be orderly, safe, and up to code. But then you decide that you wanna try out gardening.

She's like 'Oh, that's not something I want to do, but you have fun,' however, she does keep spraying the weeds, which was the chore the two of you decided was fair in the first place. So you start planting flowers and shrubs, and then you put out a bird bath, and you have to trim the shrubs,

and you have to keep the army caterpillars away, etc., etc., so you ask her for help once in a while, when you need an extra pair of hands. And at first, she helps gladly, but then you get rude and bossy, and then you start saying how much time you spend on the gardening, and it's not fair that you are doing all this labor that she enjoys but doesn't assist with...

But it's labor that you CHOSE to do. It's not necessary. She didn't ask you for it. But now you're acting like your hobby is somehow HER responsibility. Ask her if this situation would be fair on her, because that is exactly the situation that she has put you in.. EDIT: typo

friendlily − I would have another discussion. I would start out by telling her (or telling her again) how *her behavior* has made *you feel*, and you'd like her help in coming to a resolution that is fair to both of you. Talk about her feelings too. Where is all this intensity coming from? Why does she feel pressured to cook like this?

Then show her a more realistic chore distribution. Research how long on average it takes people to make dinner. Remind her that you didn't ask her to chain herself in the kitchen for hours. Bring easy recipe ideas. Offer to cook part of the time.. Edit: removed 'her' from my 'her her' sentence.

letsreset − your explanations make complete sense to me. have you asked your fiance to read your post? maybe you could have her read this post and ask her what she disagrees with. but it seems like she found herself a hobby that also is arguably a chore, and she wants to be appreciated for the work she's put in as a chore as well as enjoying this new hobby while roping you in. if she can't recognize that's she's being a little unfair...i don't know.

quirksnglasses − I would try to remind her also about what purpose the cooking is serving. Validate that it is a lovely hobby for her, but remind her that if its starting to stress her out, it may be leaving hobby territory and entering chore land (hence why she feels upset youre not 'pulling weight'). I would remind her that you can always eat out if stressed but that this is just s fun hobby

thiscouldbemassive − The whole 'feminist' argument is manipulative, unfair, and untrue. It's her hobby, her choice. You aren't forcing her to cook elaborate meals. And if she wants to stop cooking, I presume you would be fine with her stopping.

I think a good compromise would be to say that the first 30 minutes of cooking is a chore, anything after that is a hobby, because it's absolutely possible to cook a moderately complicated dinner for 2 in less than 30 minutes.

tangnapalm − You're not a bad feminist, it sucks your wife is saying stuff like that just to hurt you. It sounds like you think and care a lot about gender equality and feminism. Obviously if you were actually a bad feminist, you wouldn't be bothered by the accusation because you wouldn't care about women or being a feminist.

Also, I would take turns being responsible for dinner. One day its hers and you may get suckered into helping a bit, the next day you order take out or make something simple. She doesn't get to be captain of the kitchen and not do anything else just because she's decided that's what she enjoys.

unavoidably_canadian − There's not an impasse. She doesn't want to compromise. I love cooking. I love baking. I would never boss someone around if they were being nice enough to help. She needs an attitude adjustment. How can she not see that spending two hours an evening cooking isn't everyone's idea of a good time even if it results in a nice meal?

Sometimes after cooking for a long time I don't even want to eat. You guys should try making cooking in a short time a challenge. Thirty minute or less meals are a lot of fun to make. She can do the elaborate cuisine on her time.

These Redditors sliced through the drama, some cheering the man’s boundary-setting, others urging the fiancée to simplify her menu. But do these spicy takes capture the full flavor of their conflict, or are they just stirring the pot? One thing’s clear: this kitchen standoff has folks hungry for resolution.

This couple’s kitchen saga underscores how quickly a partner’s passion can cook up conflict if boundaries aren’t set. He loves her, savors her food, but resents being conscripted into her hobby. She craves appreciation and fairness but may not see how her demands overshadow his contributions. A recipe for peace lies in compromise—perhaps simpler meals, shared prep, or a clearer chore split. Their love is the main ingredient; now they need to blend their efforts. What would you do if your partner’s hobby became your nightly chore? Share your stories below!

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE]: My (30M) Fiancée (29F) has discovered a new love of cooking and made me her unwilling sous chef?

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