I (39M) found out I’m the literal backup to my pregnant fiancée (32F) and walked out. She’s begging me to go back – not sure what to do?

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Picture a cozy living room, glowing with the warmth of impending parenthood, where a couple dreams of their future child. Suddenly, a single misstep—an old phone, a forgotten chat—shatters the harmony. For one man, the joy of his fiancée’s pregnancy turned to ashes when he stumbled across messages labeling him a “backup” partner. The sting of those words, written before their love story began, sent him storming out, leaving a trail of hurt and confusion. His fiancée’s tearful pleas now echo in his heart, tugging at the life they’ve built together.

The discovery feels like a plot twist in a romance novel, unraveling trust just weeks before their baby arrives. Readers can sense his humiliation, the weight of feeling like a second choice, and the tension of a love tested by past pragmatism. Can a relationship survive such a raw revelation, or is this the end of their happily-ever-after?

‘I (39M) found out I’m the literal backup to my pregnant fiancée (32F) and walked out. She’s begging me to go back – not sure what to do?’

We first met 6 years ago in my then job and we were just colleagues then. I split up with my ex 4 years ago roughly and we started seeing each other casually 3 years ago until she asked me if we could give it a go as a serious relationship just over 2 years ago.

A lot has happened in the past 2 years - she had a preventive double mastectomy due to having the b**ast cancer gene, we both sold our respective houses, moved in together, got pregnant and I proposed 6 months ago.

She has been telling me in the past few months she's so in love with me, can't wait to start our family and even wants more kids with me - we only planned to have the one but because she's so happy, we were even saying she was thinking about having another kid straight after our first is born so we could start our family before she has a hysterectomy due to the gene.

So she went on maternity last week and we have 2 weeks to go before our child is born. Sods law said my phone died a few of days ago so I asked her if I could use of her old ones until my new one came - she said of course and told me which one and said it should be empty really.

Important thing to note here is that she actually has 2 of the same make but different models so by mistake, I grabbed the wrong one and logged in and said oh I thought it was blank. She said without thinking she must be baby brained again so to do what I want and delete anything I don't need.

After a short while, I start going through the phone and see she has conversations with her bestie in there and the last dates were just before we committed to each other. Basically, she was talking to her and literally weighing all her options up about having kids with before it's too late and she was going over her 'backups' and I saw their chat about me.

Basically the consensus was I was the shortest and oldest of her guys she was seeing but I had the best prospects - most stable job, best personality, most common interests, funny, good in bed and good looking even if I'm not her usual type.

So she said she was going to give it a go and her friend encouraged her. Then I guess we started dating, the messages stopped when she was starting to go through her mastectomies and got a new phone. I just went like 'what the f**k babe' out loud and she initially was clueless but realised what phone I had.

She was mortified and she was spiralling trying to explain herself but not making much sense. I literally told her to shut up, grabbed my stuff and walked out. I've booked into a BnB and have been staying here for a couple of days.

She's been messaging me, sending video messages literally begging me to come home crying so we can talk. I can't face it. I feel so f**king humiliated and used. I've gone from the happiest I've been in years to feeling like my last couple of years is a bit of a lie.

I keep going through the messages on one hand and thinking of the way she's been in the past few months on the other - telling me how much she's in love with me, how happy she is, she wouldn't change the past couple of years and how much she's looking forward to starting a family with me.

Saying things like she has an actual crush on me. Even just sends me texts with a love heart on. I literally don't know what to do. Do I go back and talk? Or wait it out until she has the baby then go back and discuss it then? I am a literal mess Reddit.

Discovering you were once a “backup” can feel like a punch to the gut, especially when you’re about to become a parent. The original poster (OP) is grappling with a bruised ego, humiliated by his fiancée’s pragmatic evaluation of him years ago. She, meanwhile, chose him for his stability and compatibility, building a loving relationship that now faces a crisis. His abrupt exit reflects insecurity, while her panic shows fear of losing what they’ve created.

This scenario taps into a universal issue: how past decisions shape present trust. A 2021 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 68% of couples face trust issues when past romantic deliberations surface (journals.sagepub). Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Transparency about past choices strengthens partnerships, but only if both partners approach it with empathy” (gottman). Here, the fiancée’s logical choice wasn’t deceitful, but her failure to disclose it left OP blindsided.

The OP’s reaction—walking out—stems from hurt but risks escalating tension, especially with a baby due. Couples therapy could help them unpack his feelings of betrayal and her pragmatic mindset, fostering honesty. He should return home, as he’s decided, and initiate calm discussions post-birth, focusing on their current love rather than past lists. Documenting his feelings in a letter to her might clarify his needs without confrontation. Ultimately, the OP must decide if her current devotion outweighs her old pragmatism. By reframing himself as her chosen partner, not a backup, he can rebuild trust.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit squad dove into this drama like friends at a coffee shop, dishing out tough love and witty insights. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

greyukelele − My husband asked me out because he thought I would be a good supportive wife and didn’t fall for me until after we were dating. When I found out I was so upset. It really doesn’t matter. I love him. He loves me. I don’t have any doubts about our relationship.. I understand that you would be embarrassed or upset, but how you started out doesn’t invalidate your current relationship.

Softbombsalad − I've re-read my old journals occasionally for nostalgia. It's like those entries are written by a stranger. Don't put too much stock into it. Go back to your pregnant fiancee and frigging TALK TO HER.

Angel-4077 − You made is sound like she is in love with another guy WTF . She just made a normal choice between prosepective dates based on future prospects AND attraction.. Did you just decide to date her for her tits, her accent or some random s**t?

If you don't think thought or rationality play a part in deciding who to date then what do you think it should be based on or do you think its normal to fall in love on the first date without bothering to get to know someone?. I can't decide if you are and incurable romantic and i**ot or both TBH.

mainegreenerep − ‘He’s the best’. I’m so outraged!!. Wtf dude. People watch to many movies or something. She rated you on all your compatibilities, including how much she likes you, you won on the important ones and your mad? Including ‘best in bed’! That’s literally one of the best foundations for a long and happy marriage.

Zestyclose-Cap1829 − Bro. My brother. DUDE. Back up and rethink this. She is seeing a couple of people and she goes down the list and you come as the DEFINITE WINNER in most categories.

She decides to get serious with you and it works out REALLY well and you're butthurt about... what exactly?. ​What did you expect, to be 10/10 in every single category? Is being the best partner in only the most important categories not good enough for you? Make this make sense to me.

Azilehteb − So, you were gauged and vetted by a friend before she asked you on that first date instead of a whirlwind romance… I get that this revelation is upsetting, but you should calm yourself a little and talk to her about her current feelings.

The way she initially decided to start dating you, the way your relationship developed, and the way she feels now are all different. From the way you describe how happy she was before you discovered this, and the romantic texts…

I mean, you may not have started as a romantic pick, but it sounds like you are now? You are letting your hurt cloud your thoughts here. Compose yourself and have a heart to heart with her, a lot of time has passed since those old texts.

Old_Wishbone5287 − Weighing your options doesn’t make the chosen one a backup. She CHOSE you because she looked at your positives instead of what you lacked. She has been nothing but loving towards you. Leaving, telling her to shut up, not talking it out with her? Do better. Being hurt is unavoidable, but the mature thing would be to have a conversation, not shut her out.

K1rbyblows − I appreciate it must’ve been tough to read and a surprise - but I don’t actually see how she’s done anything wrong? You weren’t a “back-up”, she simply weighed up her choices and chose you as the best choice? Isn’t that actually even better?

She had other options and chose YOU as the best one! The best one to build a family with! And those complimentary traits and such, no negative messages are mentioned. You need to go home and talk to her. I don’t see how she’s done wrong, but if you’re insecure about being a “back-up” communicate that insecurity with her and work through it.

Expensive-Day-3551 − So you’re mad that she had options and still chose you? Stop being a weirdo. I think you’re freaking out over having a child and this is an excuse. There is no rational reason for you to leave your pregnant partner over this.

T-WrecksArms − I would expect this comment from a 20 year old. Come on man she is well within reason talking to her friend in a private conversation about a potential life partner. Be grateful and happy it’s you. She did nothing wrong.

These Redditors gave OP a reality check, calling out his overreaction while cheering his fiancée’s choice of him as the “winner.” Some saw his exit as immature, others a sign of deeper insecurities. Their hot takes spark a question: do old messages define a relationship, or is love about the present? The crowd’s split, but they agree—communication is key.

This tale of old messages and wounded pride reminds us that love isn’t always a fairy tale—it’s a messy, human journey. The OP’s hurt is real, but his fiancée’s love, evident in her tearful pleas, suggests a bond worth salvaging. By talking it out, they might turn this crisis into a stronger partnership. What would you do if you found out you were once a “backup”? Share your stories—how do you rebuild trust after a revelation like this?

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