My son and his “friend” are a couple. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Jonathan Hours
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In a quiet home filled with the hum of family life, a father over 40 watches his 20-year-old son with a heart full of pride. Having rebuilt his life from the ashes of addiction to become a devoted single dad, he’s now certain his son’s “friend,” staying with them during quarantine, is more than just a roommate. From sneaky cuddles during movie nights to a tender morning snuggle, their love shines through—yet they tiptoe around the truth, unsure of his reaction.

This Reddit tale warms the soul, showcasing a father’s quest to make his son and boyfriend feel safe without pushing them out of the closet. As he grapples with how to open his arms wider, we’re left wondering: how do you nurture love in a home where secrets linger? Let’s dive into his story and the Reddit wisdom it sparked.

‘My son and his “friend” are a couple. How do I let them know it’s okay?’

Hello Reddit. Please bear with me regarding my formatting and things. I have read the rules and things, but I'm an old fart who is rather on the wrong side of 40 so I'm not overly well versed in the art of efficient internetting. My boy is 20 years old. He's absolutely my pride and joy, and there is nothing he could do that would ever make me love him less.

For the first half of his life, I regrettably wasn't involved very much. His mother and I parted ways when he was just a few months old and at the time I was struggling with a heroin addiction and was absolutely not as present in his life as I should have been, nor was I suited to fatherhood at all. I saw him, at most, two to three times a year for the first 12 years of his life.

I won't discuss details because that's his private story to tell, but when he was 12 he revealed to me that he was being badly mistreated at the hands of his mother and her boyfriend. Despite not being the best father at the time, I didn't want my boy suffering any more so I got myself cleaned up and sorted out in order to get full custody of him.

I've effectively been a single (and sober!) father ever since and he has little to no contact with his mother. He's everything a man could want his son to be; he's uniquely kind and fiercely loyal, he's unflinchingly brave, he's incredibly generous and, despite the horrors he suffered as a child, he's unfailingly positive and sunny to the last.

Somehow I of all people was bestowed with the honour of watching him grow from a sweet young boy to the greatest man I have ever known. I cannot stress enough my pride in him. When he was 18, he got accepted into a top ranking university on the other side of the country. I was sad to see him go, but simultaneously overjoyed that he got into his first choice and was starting a new chapter in his life.

He comes home once every other month, and on the month's he doesn't come home, I go to visit him. He's doing well in uni, has made lots of friends and seems incredibly happy there, which I'm obviously chuffed about. Since his second year, he's lived with his 'friend' in a flat off-campus.

I've strongly suspected since his early teens that my son is gay, and I now more or less have confirmation that this is true and that his 'friend' is actually his boyfriend. So, for this COVID-19 faff, my son decided he'd rather come home and quarantine at mine than stay at his uni flat.

His 'friend', however, would be left alone if my son came back as he's a Candian and his family are back over there, and I gather he doesn't have the best relationship with them anyway. He asked if it would be okay if 'friend' tagged along to my house and I said of course, no problem.

They've been back at mine for about six weeks now. They think they're being subtle I know, but I've caught them doing coupley things on several occasions now. The 'friend' has slipped up a couple of times and called my son 'babe' and 'sweetie' in front of me, which I pretended not to notice for the sake of saving embarrassment.

There have been nights where we'll be watching a film with the lights off and, thinking I can't see, my son will have his arm around the 'friend'. One day I walked into the lounge and I'm positive they'd just been kissing and were trying to cover it, though I admit I have no confirmation on that one.

The most solid evidence, however, came a few mornings ago. I get up very early to go for runs in the morning (hence why I'm making a reddit post at five in the morning haha). As far as I was told, my son was sleeping in his childhood room and his 'friend' was in the guest room.

I don't know what possessed me to do so, but on Tuesday morning I cracked my son's door open to check on him like I used to when he was a kid. Lo and behold, they're both asleep, snuggled up together, in my son's bed. That's more or less solidified for me that they're together. I didn't say anything, just shut the door and went for my run, and I haven't mentioned it to them yet.

What I want advice on is this; how do I let my son and his boyfriend know that I'm okay with them being a couple and they don't have to feel like they have to sneak around in my house? I want them to be comfortable here and I want them to know I support them both no matter what.

Or is that not a good idea? Am I better off leaving it alone and waiting until they tell me themselves, if they ever do? I obviously don't want to force either of them out of the closet, but at the same time I hate feeling as if they feel like they're being forced *into* the closet in my house. What's my best course of action here??

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Navigating a child’s unspoken romance is like tending a fragile seedling—it needs warmth and space to grow. This father’s instinct to embrace his son’s relationship with his boyfriend is a testament to his love, forged through years of overcoming addiction and protecting his son from past abuse. Their sneaky couple moments—pet names, cuddles, shared beds—show a bond they’re hesitant to reveal, likely fearing judgment despite his open heart.

This reflects a broader challenge: supporting loved ones in coming out. A 2021 Trevor Project study found 60% of LGBTQ+ youth fear negative reactions when disclosing their identity, often delaying openness. His son’s caution, possibly tied to early trauma, underscores this.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, says, “Acceptance is the foundation of connection.” A subtle gesture—like calling the friend “boyfriend” casually or noting their welcome in the family—can ease their fears, as Redditors suggested. He could leave a note expressing pride and love, ensuring they feel safe sharing a room. Therapy resources like The Trevor Project’s guides can help him refine this approach. Normalizing their bond without pressure will strengthen trust.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s serving up heart emojis and clever tips! From sticky notes to casual affirmations, the community’s all in on this dad’s love. Here’s the vibe:

MommaBearJam − My mom sent me a text that said, “You never have to admit anything to me that you’re not comfortable with. But if Jasmine was ever more than a friend, I’d want to make sure she knew she was loved here too”.

redrosehips − I don't have any advice that hasn't already been better articulated by others. I just want to say that this is so wholesome and sweet. You're a good dad, OP.

Known-Citron − First congrats on cleaning your life up and being there for your son, keep being strong. Most of the comments here are great and I think any of them would be fine. Just reassure your son its ok and that you'll love him no matter his sexuality.

My friends dad left his son a sticky note for him to find that just said he loves him and approves of his boyfriend because hes such a gentleman lol.. I think reassurance is best, but i love everyone else's comments.

zephdreams − A simple way would be a little note. I like the text idea, but I’m a sentimental person and if my dad had left me a note saying how proud he is of me, and how welcome and wonderful my partner is, I think I’d probably cry (happily) and keep it forever.. Edit: wow!! Thank you so much for my first award kind anon!

cats4evr − I have so many things to say about this post. First my God you are an amazing human and father to get your life together and get your kid out of a terrible situation!!! You are awesome. You are also awesome to accept your kid for who he is.

Sadly that still doesn't happen and your willingness is fantastic. As to answer your question, maybe just quietly let your son know they don't need to hide their relationship. I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

iamspamanda − If you like his boyfriend (it sounds like you do!) then I'd say something like, 'I hope you know that boyfriend's name is always welcome in our family. It's clear he really cares about you, and having people like that in our lives is so important.' If you're feeling up to it add, 'I just want you to know that you two are more than welcome to share a bedroom here if you prefer.'

throwawayfeelings7 − You’re an awesome dad. I’m so glad you were able to clean up your life and become such an amazing father to your son. I hope he knows and sees that too. I’m a lesbian and I can totally relate to what your son is doing and feeling.

I like the above advice in just referring to your son’s “friend” as his boyfriend. It’s casual and your tone will be the telltale sign in all of it. You could also write a letter addressed to him if you wish. I think that would be really sweet and I would keep it forever if I were him.. Thanks for being one of the good ones.

L1lB1tt − I would love an update once you do tell him .

RawrCookieess − I would love an update! You’re an amazing parent and your son is lucky to have you in his life! I have a 7 month old and I hope and wish I’m like you when she’s older! ❤️

[Reddit User] − He might not be ready to come out yet but you could just tell him you’re proud of and think his friend is a keeper. He’s likely been debating with his friend on whether or not you know they’re together and he doesn’t want to risk upsetting you and getting his friend kicked out.

So I really think you should just let him know in whatever way is natural to you. I can tell based on what you’ve written here that you’re a wonderful parent and would find the perfect words to use on your own. It’ll save him them both some unnecessary stress and take a major weight off his shoulders.

These suggestions glow with warmth, but could they miss the son’s need for time? Maybe this family’s journey holds deeper layers than Reddit’s cheers reveal.

This father’s quest to embrace his son’s love reminds us that acceptance can turn a house into a haven. His careful steps to welcome the boyfriend without forcing a reveal show a heart tuned to trust. Whether you’d pen a note or drop a casual hint, this story asks: How would you make a loved one feel safe to be themselves? Share below—have you ever helped someone feel accepted, and what worked?

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