The guy (22M) that I (21F) am dating is learning ASL for my brother, but my friends think it’s creepy. How do I proceed with this?

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In a cozy family home, a young woman beams as her new boyfriend fumbles through ASL to chat with her deaf brother, their gaming banter lighting up the room. But her joy dims when friends brand his efforts as creepy, sowing seeds of doubt in her first-ever romance.

This Reddit user’s heartfelt tale, brimming with warmth and worry, captures a clash between kindness and cynicism. Her story, set against a backdrop of well-meaning gestures and skeptical friends, draws us into a debate about trust, intent, and the bonds that matter most.

‘The guy (22M) that I (21F) am dating is learning ASL for my brother, but my friends think it’s creepy. How do I proceed with this?’

I (21F) met Jon (22M) in a college class last semester. He's an overall great guy, and he's very respectful and kind. He also has a great sense of humor, and we have lots of similar interests. We've been friends since then, and we've started dating this July. He's the first person I've ever dated in my life. Last September, he met my family when I visited home for my brother's birthday.

My brother (Trev, 19M) has been deaf since birth, so my whole family communicates with him either through sign language, Trev's lip reading (but we still just sign as reflex), or through text. During our small celebration at home, it was clear that my parents liked Jon. He was very charming, funny, and respectful.

He even tried to connect with Trev by typing some of his jokes for Trev to read (although my brother could lip read as well). Whenever Jon would tell a story, either I or my parents would sign for Trev. My parents said that they're happy that I found a sweet and caring guy in Jon. Of course, I'm glad to hear this. Before we went back, Jon and Trev had a quick Call of Duty gaming session.

For someone with Trev's condition, he is a really 'talkative' guy lol he's very expressive and likes to communicate a lot, especially when gaming. Of course, he couldn't outright trashtalk, but he does the closest thing with his hands. So, there we were at Trev's room, with Jon and Trev playing while I was translating for them.

I was laughing way too hard because Trev was trying his best to trashtalk Jon like saying he's weak and trying to say all these expletives but I'm trying my best to tone it down for Jon. Meanwhile, I'm also translating Jon's instructions and strategies for Trev. Also, because this was the first time Jon met my family, he was saying all these praises to Trev like good job or we can do it better next time, although I know that deep inside, he also wants to trashtalk my brother..

The two of them got along pretty well, and they've been having some online gaming sessions since then. Two weeks ago, Jon visited home along with me again for my mom's birthday. There, he surprised everyone (including me) by communicating with Trev through ASL. Jon was still at the alphabets, some basic words, and some rehearsed phrases, but we were all delighted that he even made the effort.

Trev's face lit up and I've never seen him happier having a new long-term friend with low communication barriers. Apparently, Jon had been watching some Youtube tutorials and got a free subscription to Skillshare to learn ASL. The two of them had a gaming session again, and this time, Jon and Trev could communicate more directly.

Of course, it was still kinda slow and I still had to do some translating (imagine trying to baby talk to a grown man or talking to a caveman with choppy sentences lol), but I could tell Trev was having a great time. They also got more comfortable with each other with more explicit trashtalking, which I didn't tone down this time.. Jon had been religiously learning ASL since then, and he's making a lot of progress.

I was so happy with this, so I told my close friend group from high school. However, most of my friends, especially my closest guy friend, told me that what Jon was doing was a red flag because it could be a form of obsession and emotional manipulation. He also said it was creepy because Jon's becoming too attached to my family when we've only been dating about 5 months.

He also said that Jon might only be doing it so he could get laid or something. I know there's some validity to what my friends said, but I'm not really convinced. Jon has been a wonderful and sincere guy the entire time, and I know it's naive to say this because he's my first ever relationship, but I can see this becoming long-term.

Yes, we haven't hooked up yet because I told him I wasn't ready yet, and he never pressured me to do it. However, is his behavior something I should really be concerned about? Again, I don't have any experience with dating and relationships, so I don't know if this is something that's truly concerning. My friends are pushing for me to break up with Jon, but I'm not sure. How do I proceed with this?

TLDR: I've been dating a guy for 5 months. He met my family 2 months ago and had befriended my brother, who is deaf. The two of them have been gaming with each other ever since. The guy I've been dating has apparently been learning ASL to communicate with my brother better. However, my friends said that his behavior could be seen as obsessive, emotionally manipulative, and downright creepy. How do I proceed with this?.

EDIT: Wait woah I took a break to work on a paper and there are now almost 1k comments. I'll try to process everything, but thank you for your kind words, Reddit! Yes, Jon is a wonderful guy and has so far given me no reasons to doubt his sincerity. It's only my friends who planted the seeds in my mind since they've all had experiences with dating and relationships, so the pressure kinda got to me. Thank you for all your insights!.

EDIT2: I went to class and did a lot of schoolwork. Came back to this post with over 4k comments. I didn't expect this! I'll make sure to read and process everything, but so far, I'd like to thank everyone who weighed in on this. A lot of your insights have been truly eye-opening, and it really looks like I've got a lot of reflection to do with my relationships and connections. Again, thank you so much!

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

A thoughtful gesture like learning ASL can spark joy or suspicion, depending on who’s watching. This boyfriend’s effort to connect with his girlfriend’s deaf brother is a rare act of care, yet her friends’ cynicism reveals a deeper bias. Dr. Amy McCart, a disability inclusion expert, notes, “Ableism often masks itself as concern, dismissing genuine efforts to bridge communication gaps” (The Mighty). His initiative—learning a new language in five months—shows commitment, not obsession.

The friends’ accusations, especially from her male friend, hint at jealousy or projection. Studies show 40% of close friendships harbor unspoken romantic tension, complicating advice (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). Her inexperience in dating amplifies their influence, but her boyfriend’s respect for her boundaries counters their manipulation claims.

McCart suggests a frank talk with her boyfriend to affirm his intentions, and a separate one with friends to probe their concerns. Therapy could help her navigate her inexperience, while readers might reflect on their own friends’ advice.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crowd roared with support, tossing shade at the friends while cheering the boyfriend. Here’s their fiery take:

CrystalQueen3000 − Your friends are thieves of joy. A guy that likes you is going out of his way to learn how to communicate with your brother, that’s adorable, don’t let your “friends” s**t on it

JanetInSpain − Damn you need better friends. Your friends are the ones who are creepy, reading so much dark intent into what is actually a very kind, thoughtful, and respectful gesture on your boyfriend's part. How do you proceed? D**p the loser friends.

Piilootus − Why are your friends so cynical?? Who hurt them?? This is a really sweet gesture, he's literally learning another language so he can communicate with your brother. That's really kind.

ETA: how do your friends talk/view your brother? I'm kinda getting the sense that they might be seeing him as not his own person just because he has a disability and that's why they're so dead set on this idea that your bf is only learning ASL to get laid?

bluestjordan − It’s one of two things:. Best case scenario, your friends are toxic idiots.. Worst case scenario, your friends are not your friends. Edit to add: it never occurred to any of you that he genuinely felt a friendship connection with your brother and enjoys his company outside of your relationship with him? Smells of ableism

Square-Minimum-6042 − I think your closest friend likes you. *Likes you* likes you. Your BF sounds wonderful, don't listen to their nonsense. I'm happy for you and for your brother that Jon is so kind. Don't let your friends' jealousy make you doubt yourself or Jon.

Kaboom0022 − Your friends are weird and mean

Kragg_hack − Your friends are wrong. He did this as a surprise for you and your family which was a wonderful gesture. If anything, I would be more concerned about your so called friends that think like this because I feel it tells more about them than Jon. They are either jealous of your relationship, bad persons themselves since they automatically think he is doing it to manipulate you or some other bad reason for saying what they did.

So no, this is not a bad sign. It is a sign your boyfriend is more mature than his age would tell. Keep him around, and make the relationship grow in the pace you feel comfortable and if you feel like it - give him an extra hug from an internet stranger tonight for what he did.

Mark71GTX − This guy could 'get laid' with a lot less effort than it takes to learn ASL. He has enough interest in you that he has gone out of his way to learn how to communicate with a member of your immediate family. Even your 'friends' just wave at your brother, but this guy took it upon himself to learn ASL after meeting your family once! I personally think it's awesome.

Maymaywala − You might try being wary of your 'closest guy friend'. Dude sounds like trouble.

Thek40 − That's the greenest flag ever, this guy is thoughtful and committed.. Your friends sucks.. Also without more info, your male friend is into you.

These Redditors bring passion, but do their cheers clear the fog? Kindness can be misread—can online hype guide her heart?

This woman’s story is a vibrant reminder that kindness can shine bright, even when others cast shadows. Her boyfriend’s ASL efforts signal love, not danger, urging her to trust her gut over cynical friends. Her tale challenges us to champion sincerity. What would you do when friends question a partner’s heartfelt gesture? Share your thoughts—let’s unravel this clash of care and doubt together.

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