My (F27) Husband (M30) thinks he shouldn’t watch baby(3mo)overnight because other men don’t?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

For one new mom, the rhythm of nighttime feedings and shared parenting duties felt like a well-choreographed dance—until her husband’s unexpected outburst threw everything off beat. Claiming no other man he knows wakes at 4 AM for baby duty, he challenged their carefully balanced system, leaving her stunned and questioning their approach. It’s a moment that captures the raw exhaustion and unspoken pressures of new parenthood in their Canadian home.

This Reddit story pulls readers into the heart of a modern parenting dilemma, where love, fatigue, and societal expectations collide. With their first child reshaping their lives, this couple’s clash over night shifts resonates with anyone navigating the sleepless chaos of early parenthood. What happens when fairness feels unfair? Let’s dive in.

‘My (F27) Husband (M30) thinks he shouldn’t watch baby(3mo)overnight because other men don’t?’

Context: i (F27) watch my son (3mon) from 9pm-4am while my husband (M30) sleeps. He watches him from 4-8am while i sleep. I then watch him from 8-5pm while he works. Husband then watched him 5-8pm and the cycle repeats. We have a good baby, he usually wakes once or twice at night to eat.

Last night at 8pm he just exploded at me (very unlike him)that he shouldn't wake up with the baby at all. He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating 'name one man who does'. I told him comparing us to other relationships isn't constructive and pointed out how other dads we know do extra in other ways (work overtime, have babies with colic that need extra care, etc.) He said hes tired 'of going above and beyond '

Honestly I was shocked. I've never heard him say anything like this. I asked if something happened at work or if he needed a break to tell me. I said I try to thank him often, give him affection and tell him how great he is with our boy. But he just said 'I tell other dads I'm awake at 4 before work and they can't believe it'.

He did get up at 4am last night and he left for work and we haven't spoken. Is our system wrong? Is this just a bruised male ego? Looking for suggestions, this is our first baby and I'm wondering how other parents navigate the night shift. And how to navigate this sudden outburst.. many thanks

A husband’s outburst over 4 AM baby duty reveals the strain of new parenthood, where exhaustion can amplify unspoken frustrations. The mom’s shock is understandable—their system seemed equitable, splitting nighttime care while she handles most daytime duties during maternity leave. His claim that “other men don’t do this” suggests external pressures, perhaps from peers, clashing with their partnership.

This scenario reflects a broader issue: gendered expectations in parenting. A 2022 Pew Research study found 60% of fathers feel pressure to be primary providers, often undervaluing their caregiving roles (source: pewresearch.org). The husband’s comparison to other dads hints at this, framing his efforts as “above and beyond” rather than standard. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “Equity in parenting strengthens partnerships, but societal norms can make men feel their contributions are optional” (source: gottman.com).

Dr. Gottman’s perspective suggests the husband’s outburst stemmed from stress and misplaced comparisons, not a rejection of fatherhood. His apology and commitment to their schedule show growth, but his initial guilt about needing breaks highlights a need for better communication. Maternity leave, often misperceived as “time off,” is relentless work, and his acknowledgment of this is a step toward mutual respect.

Advice: Encourage open check-ins where both partners share needs without judgment. If stress resurfaces, propose small adjustments—like a weekend nap swap—to ease tension while maintaining fairness. Couples should discuss societal pressures openly, reframing parenting as a shared duty, not a gendered favor. This fosters resilience and keeps love at the core of sleepless nights.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s chorus of voices brought humor and heat to this parenting spat. From dads proudly sharing their night-shift stories to others calling out outdated gender roles, the comments blend support with sharp critique. Here’s what the community had to say:

cookie_pouch − I hear a lot of him comparing himself with other men (which unfortunately may be a sample size issue and a problem with the men he knows). I would redirect and ask why it's above and beyond for him to do this but not above and beyond for you. Why isn't he comparing his efforts to yours? You are partners equally responsible for your child.

When he works, you are working too by providing all the childcare and then you split the non-work hours. This seems like a pretty fair system so his comparison to other men is pretty weak plus, he probably doesn't 100% even know what these other men are and aren't doing. He needs to refocus and reevaluate. I'm guessing he's tired because being a parent is hard but that doesn't mean your arrangement isn't fair

Goober684 − That sounds like a great system. To say other guys don't get up with their children is childish at best. It's called bring a partner and a father. You don't get to pick and choose the parts of the relationship that are easy or convenient. No one likes getting up in the middle of the night to tend to their little one. But to say you shouldn't have to because you're a man is extremely misogynistic. We don't live in the 50s anymore.

boocatbex − My dad and mom had the same arrangement and he never complained. Actually, my dad dealt with us ENTIRELY throughout the night (there were 4 of us). This extended to the weekends as well. The way my parents saw it, during the day he had his job outside the home and she had her job inside the home watching a mixture of 4 toddlers and babies who were AWAKE and running amok all day.

His share was getting up during the night because for 1, we were asleep most of the time so it wasn't that much work for him anyway, 2, he quickly realized he would rather deal with work all day, than have to deal with 4 kids all day, and 3, he got tired of dealing with a cranky wife who felt she had no help.

They eventually accepted their situation and that it just simply wasn't going to be easy for either of them, and to make it work they both had to do their equal shares. Mom might have cleaned up 4 puke messes that day, so it's fair dad has to lose a bit of sleep and clean up the 1 or 2 puke messes from sick kids during the night.

Mom had to deal with breastfeeding and bottles and diapers, all day, everyday, so it was only fair dad loses a bit of sleep to deal with diapers and feeding during the night. That sort of thing. There are a LOT of s**t men in this world who feel the same way as your husband, and worse. There are a lot of dads who think they don't have ANY responsibility when it comes to childrearing at ALL, and they are bad fathers and bad partners for it.

There are also a LOT of good dads out there who actually understand that childrearing is to be done by BOTH of the partners that created the baby. You can find their stories all over the internet just like you can find stories of the bad ones. Taking care of the baby during the day AND throughout the night, IS your job. THAT is your specific 9-5, and your husband needs to realize that.

Him watching baby while you sleep is the LEAST he could do. It's hard having a baby and a job, yes, but he decided to have this baby with you so he needs to accept the burden of responsibility. It doesn't just fall entirely onto your shoulders. You do your part, taking care of baby all day and most of the night. He needs to do his part.

If he says other dads he knows don't have to deal with this, THEN THEYRE BAD DADS AND HE NEEDS BETTER FRIENDS. I pity those other Dads' baby mommas because that means those moms are doing it ALL by themselves and just accepting it. Which isn't fair.

I'd say tell your husband he can either accept and do his smaller portion of childcare and keep his job, or you can be the one to have the job and earn money for the household and he can take care of the baby all day everyday and most of the night. He doesn't get a 'get out of raising baby for free' card just because he works.

largemediums − Really relieved to read that final update!

karigan_g − if he doesn’t know a guy who does that he needs to meet better guys

barnstablepearl − Sure, a lot of men are jerks who don't think they should parent their child. But you didn't want to marry one of those guys, presumably. I would get someone to watch the baby, and sit down together.

Discuss the possible solutions that would allow both of you a decent amount of sleep. Also, talk about other concerns you both have. The newborn stage is intense, but it also doesn't last forever. There may not be a perfect solution, but you two can find something good enough to get through it.

JerusalEmAll − I'm a guy, but if i pulled that s**t I would expect my wife to tell me that if I plan on making her do all the work with our new baby then she would be doing it in a different house from me.

Zealousideal-Chart60 − My husband would’ve done anything for this opportunity!!!!!!!!! My daughter REFUSED EVERY bottle, only wanted the boob. Your husband is acting like it’s the 1950s where your suppose to have the little woman’s place. This is UNACCEPTABLE to say the very least. It takes two to make a child. This is HIS responsibility just as much as it is yours.

Please do not have another child with this man!!! You honestly deserve a better husband. There is nothing wrong with y’all’s current plan. I could see if he came to you and said babe listen I’m super tired at work, how about I do weekend shifts with baby.

That’s communicating the needs he has, that’s acceptable. But to full out claim that taking care of his child is not his responsibility is not only a bad husband stance but also a bad father. Beware. FYI above and beyond is in the description to be a good parent, he should get use to it early

slapwerks − Hi, I’m a man, I got up at least half the time with both of my kids to feed and/or rock them. Now you can tell him you know a man that has done it.

SeparateAd3985 − Wow. My bf and I share the parenting load equally. Honestly, when I’m woken at night I have a lot of trouble falling back asleep, so my bf actually gets up more than me during nights. We both work full time. I work 4 long days and have 1 day watching our baby on my own when he works. One day his brother asked him why he lets me sleep in on his work day when all I had to do that day was watch the baby.

My bf responded: a day watching the baby is more tiring than a full day of working. Just because your husband doesn’t know couples like this, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. There is nothing wrong with your system. I would have outbursts like these if sleep deprivation was getting to me, so see if there is another conversation to be had when he’s rested. But don’t let anyone put you in a position where you sacrifice more than your husband, just because you’re a mom.

These Reddit takes are a lively mix of empathy and tough love, but do they cut to the heart of the issue? Or are they just fanning the flames of a tired dad’s moment of weakness?

This story of a late-night clash and a heartfelt resolution reminds us that parenthood tests even the strongest partnerships. The couple’s journey from tension to understanding highlights the power of communication over comparison. Whether it’s a tired outburst or a societal script, their story shows love can prevail with honesty. How do you split parenting duties in your home? What would you do if your partner pushed back on a shared routine? Share your experiences or advice—let’s swap stories and keep the parenting conversation alive!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *