[UPDATE] AITA if I 29f call off my engagement to my 36m fiancé because his family have become involved in our finances?

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In a cozy café, where wedding venue brochures lay scattered, a woman’s dreams of a shared future crumbled over a single email. Her fiancé, once her partner in house-hunting and ring-shopping, hid a secret that stung worse than cold coffee: he was funneling extra cash to his family behind her back. The betrayal wasn’t just about dollars—it was about trust.

This Redditor’s story of love tested by lies has sparked heated debates online. Was her instinct to pull the plug on the engagement justified, or is she overreacting to a mama’s boy’s misstep? Let’s unpack this drama, tap into expert wisdom, and see what Reddit’s got cooking on this one.

‘[UPDATE] AITA if I 29f call off my engagement to my 36m fiancé because his family have become involved in our finances?’

TLDR: This is an update to my previous post, I confronted my finance and he said he agreed with me and could see how enmeshed he was with his family in a toxic way, he said he would send a reduced amount to him mom from now on for 6 months, then review the situation from there. However I just found out he sent her a few hundred dollars extra in the middle of the month.

So since my last post I confronted him about this issue and he agreed, and could see how toxic this situation is with his family and that he could see how it would affect our future. I expressed all of my feelings so I was clear with him as a lot of you suggested I do in the comments. The resolution we came to is he would send her half of what he was sending before for 6 months then review the situation from there.

So he sent her half at the end of last month, then 2 weeks later he sent her the normal amount that he usually sent her before, so within the space of 2 weeks he’s sent her more that he ORIGINALLY did. I found this out because I was snooping in his email bin. ( I know it’s wrong but I needed to know if I could trust him ) however I found it and immediately started crying and was really upset that he lied to me.

The thing that bothers me the most is the lies not even the fact that he sent her more. if she really needs it and is in a bad spot just tell me? We are saving for a house together and the other day he suggested getting a JOINT bank account, however after this I have big trust issues around this. I’m really not sure what to do, if this is a good idea or if I am over reacting.. I just feel lied to as we agreed to always tell each other everything and never have secrets.

Oh and he sent it right after we just viewed a wedding venue together and he told me we should postpone it a year because then we have to pay a smaller deposit to the venue as it’s further away. As if it’s closer they ask for 50% up front. I’m so tired of all of our plans being pushed back or delayed and him giving away money. I don’t know if there’s any fixing this…

Money talks, but lies scream louder. This Redditor’s discovery of her fiancé’s secret payments to his mom reveals a deeper issue: financial infidelity. While his initial agreement to cut back seemed promising, his sneaky extra payment shows where his loyalties lie—not with his future wife.

The OP’s hurt stems from broken trust, not just the cash. Her fiancé’s actions prioritize his family’s demands over their shared goals, like buying a house. His suggestion for a joint account while lying about funds? A red flag waving boldly. A 2023 survey found 38% of couples cite financial deceit as a top relationship strain, often leading to breakups.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, known for his work on trust, says, “Trust is built in very small moments… Betrayal happens when you choose someone else’s interests over your partner’s”. Here, the fiancé’s secrecy chose his mom over the OP, eroding their foundation. His pattern suggests enmeshment, where family ties choke personal boundaries.

This taps into a bigger issue: setting boundaries with family. The OP needs clear communication and firm limits—like separate accounts until trust is rebuilt. Couples therapy could help, but only if he commits to change. For now, she should protect her finances and heart, perhaps pausing wedding plans.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s serving up some spicy takes on this fiancé’s financial fumble, with users dishing out everything from tough love to runaway advice. Here’s the community’s unfiltered verdict:

Dachshundmom5 − He's already shown you he will lie to your face telling you what you want to hear and do what he wants behind your back. Not only did he not follow the agreement to send her only half, he increased what he sends her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. It's emeshment and financial infidelity. He doesn't respect you.

His priority is his family, that does not include you or any plans you are making. How much more does he have to do before you believe that this is who he is? You confront him, and he will again tell you what you want to hear and again do what his family wants. How many times do you repeat the same thing before you accept the results?

Neither-Brain-2599 − Ugh. No fixing a Mama’s Boy. Save yourself you will never be equal.

Gohighsweetcherry − You will never be his priority. He will never(until she dies) cut the payment he makes to her. Which means your lives will always be a game of catch up. What a mess. End it now. You deserve better. You can do better. You will do better.. NTA

ReleaseTheBlacken − Don’t be dumb enough to marry a liar.

mustang19671967 − when people show you who they are believe them. do you think his mom is going to start needing less money or more , then where is it coming from

teresajs − NTA. You can't have a have a joint account with this man.  And since marriage legally joins a couple's finances, you absolutely shouldn't marry him. He won't ever be able to follow through with financial commitments to you (buy a house) because he refuses to budget his support to his family.  And his mother could live another 30 years, and need support the entire time.

Disastrous-Sthe − Please don't be one of those women who is wishy washy about what needs to be done. Don't ignore the red flags and put your love goggles back on. Break the engagement and move on from this liar. He LIED to you without batting an eyelid!! That's scary!

No-Independence6018 − Look you are not an a**hole, but you will be to yourself if you marry this man. He has shown you that nothing about your money or your financial security matters in the face of his family. You need to take this red flag at what it is. He is a liar and does not love you enough to care about your concerns.

What happens if heaven forbid you lose your job, you get sick, you have kids and he still chooses to take care of his family not the family he made with you or worse he loses his job and you are the only one financially supporting the both of you and then of course mommy or brother come over and say we need money.

They come over begging for money, he has already shown he lied about money what is to stop him from taking your money and giving it to them and putting you in a financial hole. Honey he is too old to change and honestly this might be the big reason his first marriage ended mommy's boys are just babies with money

and an adult body they never change mommy comes first and you don't want that for a future to build on. Run away far and fast save what money you have now and for the future and leave being alone and safe is better than living in a car with this i**ot.

SnooWords4839 − He will always send mom money and just proved it, by sending even more.. You know what you should do.. What you shouldn't do is buy a home with him or get a joint bank account.. I doubt he is financially secure, with wanting to push back wedding, but wants a joint account.

TwoBionicknees − run. he lied to you and his brother very obviously sees you two together being a way to decrease the amount he pays to his mother and his mother has in 20 years never had any kind of plan for retirement. SAHM is one thing, but they divorced a long time ago and somehow she hasn't put a single plan into place.

You should probably contact his ex and find out her take on how and why they broke up, probably the same reasons you are considering it, lying about sending money to family, ruining plans to buy a house or buy a car, struggling for money because he's sending it all to family.

These Redditors aren’t mincing words, but are they onto something, or is there hope for this couple yet? Maybe a heart-to-heart could salvage things, or perhaps it’s time to cut losses.

From wedding venue tours to trust-shattering emails, this Reddit tale shows how fast love can sour when lies sneak in. The OP’s fiancé may love her, but his secret payments scream louder than his promises, leaving her to weigh her future against his family’s grip. With trust on the line, she’s got tough choices ahead—stay and rebuild or walk away for good?

Ever caught a partner hiding money moves? What would you do if your dreams were delayed by someone else’s priorities? Spill your thoughts below and let’s dive into this financial fiasco!

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