AITA for refusing to repay my ex-husband for the college tuition he paid for years ago?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy suburban home, the glow of impending parenthood flickered as a proud mother handed her son a heartfelt gift for his growing family. But the warmth of the moment shattered when an unexpected guest—the ex-husband’s wife—stirred up a decades-old grudge. Over 20 years ago, this mother, then a struggling single parent, relied on her ex’s promise to fund her nursing school, a lifeline after his betrayal.

Now, her success as a nurse practitioner is overshadowed by a bold demand for repayment, igniting family tensions. The audacity of revisiting a promise kept long ago left her reeling, her blood boiling as past wounds resurfaced. Readers can’t help but wonder: is she wrong to stand her ground, or is this a case of jealousy cloaked in principle? This tale of loyalty, betrayal, and family drama invites us to dive into a Reddit saga that’s as gripping as it is divisive.

‘AITA for refusing to repay my ex-husband for the college tuition he paid for years ago?’

So for some background my ex husband and I ended things over twenty years ago. When our son was two he stepped out. At the time I was a a stay at home mom and going to nursing school full time. He was paying for my schooling. After he left I asked him if he would keep paying for my school so I could finish with no debt.

He agreed saying it was the least he could do. A few months after that he got his affair partner pregnant. Once she got pregnant she demanded he stop paying for my schooling. It was 1/5 of their income and she said that money needed to go towards their new baby. He refused and kept paying for the remaining year and a half I had left.

Over the years I continued my education and now I’m a nurse practitioner. I do well for myself and I never remarried. Onto the problem. My son called me and told me he and his wife are expecting. I was ecstatic. I asked if I could come over sometime during the weekend by and give them some things (his favorite stuffy as a child, a check, and some other small sentimental things).

He said yes so I went over earlier today. I came by and gave him everything including a check for a few thousand dollars. (For baby stuff, co-pays, the nursery, or anything else they may want). My son and his wife thanked me and told me the money would be very helpful.

My ex husband and his wife came over and little while later (they surprised them with dinner and didn’t know i’d be there) and saw the check on the counter. My ex’s wife asked about it and I said “Oh well I wanted to help out where I could, everything’s so expensive nowadays!” I was really just trying to be polite but i don’t think this is any of her business.

This woman had the audacity to say “Well maybe since you have all this money now you can finally pay us back all that money you took when you went to college.” I was dumbfounded. My ex has literally never brought up me paying him back. He’s always said it was the least he could do for both me and our son. My ex has done very well for himself in his career.

I didn’t see how or why they’d need the money so I asked them “Do you guys need the money or something?” and my ex said no and she said “Of course not, it’s about principle.” I told her I will absolutely not be paying them back for college tuition from over twenty years ago especially when she ended up in our marital home while I was living in a small apartment barely making ends meet for years after I initially finished school.

I’ve never been bitter or mean, I’ve always been civil since our kids are siblings but my blood was boiling. I left shortly after that. According to my son this has been a point of contention in their marriage. She’s brought it up a few times over the years in front of him.

And she’s insisting to him that he needs to convince me to finally “pay back what they’re owed”. The biggest issue is now that the whole damn family is involved. I got calls from three separate family members saying I need to get over myself and just pay it back. So AITA here?

This family feud, sparked by a 20-year-old tuition payment, exposes the messy undercurrents of blended families. The ex’s wife’s demand for repayment feels less about money and more about asserting control, a dynamic that’s all too common in step-family tensions. The original poster’s refusal to pay reflects her boundary-setting, but it’s stirred a hornet’s nest of family opinions.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Unresolved conflicts from past relationships can fester, creating power struggles in new dynamics” (Gottman Institute). Here, the wife’s fixation on the tuition suggests lingering jealousy, perhaps over the ex’s past commitment to his first family. Her insistence on “principle” rings hollow against the backdrop of her role in the affair, highlighting a deeper insecurity.

This situation mirrors broader issues in blended families, where 40% of remarried couples face step-family conflicts, per a 2023 study (Stepfamily Foundation). The ex’s wife’s public shaming tactic—roping in family members—escalates the drama, undermining trust.

For the original poster, maintaining civility while holding firm is key. Experts suggest clear communication: she could calmly reiterate the ex’s original intent, defusing the wife’s narrative. Readers can engage by reflecting on their own family dynamics. Have you faced similar demands from step-relatives?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s hot takes on this saga are as spicy as a family reunion potluck. From witty jabs to fierce support, the community doesn’t hold back. Buckle up for some candid, chuckle-worthy insights!

survival-nut − Tell her it was the a**ltery tax or that her husband was ensuring that his son would have a good life with either parent. NTA

-to-the-bitter-end- − NTA lol I'm not laughing at your situation. I'm laughing at the clown who your ex is now stuck with. It sounds like she's reeeaaaaallllllly hung up on the fact that you were with your ex before she was and this is a really weird expression of that. Basically staking claim to what she wants to be hers even if it's not.

My stepmom was this way. Treated me differently because I came from the woman before her. It's this weird insane jealousy-spite thing and frankly, it's toxic. It's also really, really unhealthy for her to bring other family members into this. Ultimately this is an issue between you and your ex and the other woman is making a mess of it.. Don't pay it back. No matter who comes at you, die on this hill ✊

Choice-Marsupial-127 − She’s embarrassing herself. Calculate how much your husband should have paid you in alimony and child support so you can tell her you’ll repay the tuition when he pays what he owes in child support and alimony. I would bet money he would owe you.. What a twat she is.

jbboogers − She said it's about principle? Last i checked, people with principle don't sleep with married men, and get pregnant by them before their divorce is even finalized.

Sad-Country-9873 − NTA - He created a mess. Did he pay alimony? Did he take it off his taxes?

Fickle-Squirrel-4091 − NTA. You could be petty by donating the amount (in installments) to a charity that helps people earn their nursing degrees (and/or the general medical field) in her name.

Even_Searcher3884 − NTA. How is that possibly the (other) wife's concern? She needs therapy to figure out why this bugs her so much.

New-Number-7810 − “When our son was two he stepped out.”. Assuming “Step out” means “had an affair”, hard NTA. I stopped reading after this point.

SerenityPickles − NTA.. She’s just a miserable controlling B… Keep pushing the she must be broke narrative. Smile sweetly the whole time. She can go home and make her husband unhappy!!

AnxietyQueeeeen − LOL the mistress is talking about principles?! NTA - He knew what he was doing, like he said it’s the least he could have done considering what he did. This way it secured a better future for the family he stepped out on! Anyone giving you grief needs to be reminded of this and asked to b**t out. If they’re so up in arms about it they can pay her.

These Reddit gems spark a question: do they nail the truth, or are they just fanning the drama flames?

This Reddit tale leaves us pondering promises, principles, and petty grudges. The original poster’s stand against her ex’s wife feels like a victory for self-respect, yet the family’s pressure adds a thorny twist. What would you do if a past favor was weaponized against you? Share your stories or opinions below—let’s unpack this drama together!

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