AITA for expecting my husband to be home every night that we have his kids (my stepkids) at home?

In a quiet home, a stepmother braces for the whirlwind of two teenage boys—rambunctious, messy, and prone to throwing punches—during their summer custody weeks. She’s taken on laundry, meals, and school runs, but draws the line at solo parenting while her husband plans to spend Tuesday nights at poker games, crashing with friends. His casual dismissal of her discomfort has her questioning their deal: he’s home when the kids are, no exceptions.

This Reddit AITA post unravels the tension of stepparenting, where boundaries clash with a spouse’s hobbies. Readers might feel the stepmom’s anxiety, caught between supporting her husband’s freedom and needing his presence to tame the chaos. It’s a raw tale of family dynamics, sacrifice, and the weight of unspoken expectations in a blended household.

‘AITA for expecting my husband to be home every night that we have his kids (my stepkids) at home?’

My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. Both boys, 12 and 14. They are sweet kids, but they’re teenage boys…they’re wild, they tend to get into fights, they’re messy, and listening is not their best life skill at this stage of brain development. I do not have biological kids of my own.

I met these kids when we started dating about 4 years ago, and we’ve all lived together for about 2.5 years. Long story, but we moved last summer about 60 miles from our old home. The move was because the boys bio mom got remarried to a guy who lived in a different part of the state.

To avoid the kids bearing the brunt of the commute, we agreed to move. My husband still commutes to work, and I work from home full time now. We have 50/50 custody of his kids. During the school year, we never have the kids on Monday or Tuesday nights.

My husband enjoys playing in low stakes, bar poker games, so he generally does that on Mondays and Tuesdays. It’s a very long drive to the venue where he plays, so he stays with friends near our old house on those nights and doesn’t come home. Not my favorite arrangement

but I go out of my way to ensure he feels like he has autonomy to enjoy his hobbies (something he definitely didn’t have in marriage #1). The issue has come up with regards to our summer custody schedule, which switches to one week on, one week off from the normal school year schedule.

It recently came out in conversation that he expected to still play in his poker game on Tuesday nights during the summer and that he was fully planning on staying with friends and not coming home those nights. It has always been our understanding and agreement that he would be home any night we have the boys here.

When I brought this up, he told me he didn’t think it was a big deal to not be home one night a week and to expect me to handle everything on those nights. I am super uncomfortable being here with them alone. They make me anxious, I hate when they fight, and I don’t think it’s my place as a stepparent to discipline them.

If they were kids who just read books and sat in silence all night, I might feel differently—but there’s an always greater than 0% chance that someone is literally throwing punches, and I have no interest in being solely in charge of that situation.

I already am the default parent for laundry, school pickup, scheduling, meals, and the primary caretaker anytime during school breaks (since I work from home). I have clearly communicated to my husband how I feel about being here alone with them, so he is aware.

Beyond how it impacts me, I don’t think it’s a great example for the kids, either. It’s not like my husband is on work trips—it’s like “hey dad would rather play poker than be here with you”. I just feel like part of being a parent is you have to plan your life around kid stuff.

My husband already has it easier than most because of the joint custody and the fact that I am happy to sacrifice some of the few days we would have alone for the two of us so that he can pursue this hobby. So serve it to me straight—AITA here?! My husband is making me feel like I am, but I just feel like this is me making a reasonable ask and trying to set a very legitimate boundary.
Blended families can be a balancing act, and this stepmother’s boundary highlights the strain. She’s uneasy managing her stepkids alone, yet her husband prioritizes poker nights over family duty. Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes, “Stepparents often feel overburdened when biological parents lean too heavily on them” (source). The husband’s absence during custody weeks shifts his parenting load onto her, despite her clear discomfort.

The conflict reveals a disconnect: she sees his presence as non-negotiable, while he views one night away as trivial. Surveys show 50% of stepparents feel unsupported when discipline roles are unclear (source), mirroring her reluctance to manage the boys’ fights. His choice also risks signaling to the kids that hobbies trump family time.

Dr. Papernow suggests, “Explicit agreements clarify roles.” The couple could renegotiate custody duties, perhaps alternating poker nights or setting firm discipline guidelines. Her boundary—demanding his presence—protects her well-being and reinforces family priorities, fostering stability for the boys.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s crew dove into this family drama like it’s a high-stakes poker game, tossing out a lively mix of support and sharp takes. Picture a family barbecue where everyone’s weighing in, from cheering the stepmom’s stand to calling out the husband’s dodge. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd, brimming with empathy and a dash of snark.

Soggy-Beach-1495 − Back when this was happening to my brother and I, there was no 50/50 custody, so maybe people just view it different now. But for us, if we would go to my dad's house for a weekend, and he wasn't available, we'd be wondering why the f**k we were there. To hang out with our stepmom who we didn't really get along with anyway? When we could have been home instead with our stuff and our friends.

Cali_Holly − NTA. How wonderful for your husband. He gets to continue with his interests and hobbies all year round. Because why not? He has YOU to take over HIS responsibilities and babysit HIS rambunctious preteen boys. But seriously?

He needs to take a break from his hobbies during the summer when his boys are there every other week. It’s not fair to leave that all up to you. And I hope that you have your own interests and hobbies so that you aren’t always at home which gives your husband the impression that you will always be available at his convenience.

ForeverMoody2 − NTA The whole point of the custody agreement is so they see their father. They might as well stay with their mother on that day. You're right, it's sending the kids a bad message.

Huge-Singer-7049 − He married you so he would have a nanny to raise his kids. He’s not interested in doing it. 

United-Manner20 − NTA and this is the bare minimum he should do. You are doing way more than most to be honest. You uprooted your life to make his easier and he still expects you to be the primary parent during his time. He is taking advantage of you and your kindness. He wanted time with them- they are his kids. If they are there, he should be as well. They are not your kids and it doesn’t sound like he is grasping that.

ThatBChauncey − I mean... you're the AH to yourself for marrying this clown.

Intelligent_Sky8737 − Nta. Your husband sounds like he is really enjoying you as a bang maid and not a wife 

snowplowmom − Wow. You moved 60 miles, to accommodate his custody schedule. He doesn't come home from Monday am to Wed evening, so that he can play poker with the guys (and I hope that's all that's going on), and then you two have his boys Wed, Thurs, and I presume every other weekend.

So you guys get time alone together every other weekend, Fri night thru Mon AM. Not good. Now, he wants you to be the overnight sitter for his boys so that he can play poker and sleep over there. You are right to tell him that you are unhappy with this arrangement.

You're right to tell him that you're unhappy with the arrangement altogether. You get three nights home alone with him every two weeks, while he spends four nights playing poker and sleeping there, every two weeks. I don't know what to tell you about this.

I would say that you are absolutely right to tell him that he needs to be there when his children are there, but I also think that you would be right to point out to him that he spends 4 nights every two weeks on poker, and only 3 nights every two weeks home alone with you.

Repulsive_Bed5172 − NTA. I’m not gonna lie, if he wants the fun of kids he can’t dip when it gets hard. You re not a babysitter, ur the stepmom. If he can’t be present one week on, one week off, maybe he shouldn’t have 50/50.

bitty20 − NTA. He already gets his children only 50% of the time. It's reasonable that he should play around his kids schedule.. It's not like this is a one time exception.

These Redditors are all in, backing the stepmom’s boundary or slamming the husband’s priorities. Some see his absence as a parenting fail; others warn she’s stuck with an unfair load. Their takes are bold, but do they capture the full family dynamic, or are they just raising the stakes? One thing’s clear—this custody clash has everyone talking.

This blended family saga leaves us wondering: how do you balance personal freedom with parenting duties? The stepmom’s stand shows the power of setting boundaries, even when it ruffles feathers. Ever faced a clash over family responsibilities? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unpack this stepparent showdown!

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