AITAH for taking away all of my daughter’s luxuries after comments that she made about me?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A father’s love is often defined by the quiet moments shared and the sacrifices made along the way. In this heartfelt update, we witness a single father from Scotland grappling with the consequences of a split-second remark from his daughter—a remark that cut deeper than expected. The pain of feeling manipulated and unappreciated, coupled with the fear of permanently damaging a once-cherished bond, sets the stage for a raw exploration of love, discipline, and regret.

In a tender yet turbulent journey toward healing, this man has taken drastic measures that underscore not only the pain of being hurt by the one person you cherish most but also the struggle to find balance between discipline and unconditional love. His candid admission of mistakes, alongside a commitment to mend their relationship, invites us to reflect on the challenging nature of parenting in today’s complex world.

‘AITAH for taking away all of my daughter’s luxuries after comments that she made about me?’

Final Update:. This shall be my final update on this Reddit post. I won't go into great depth about what was said during the conversation that I had this morning when we went out to the park for brunch and our much needed talk, as I feel like enough has already been said and shared in this reddit thread..

However, to highlight a few of the things that we discussed. \- My daughter regretted telling her friends what she did for a couple of reasons. The first being that she didn't mean any of the things that she said about me to her friends. She was (as many Redditors rightly pointed out) trying to play it off and not look like she depends on her Dad at her age.

She said it on the spur of the moment and continued to go along with it. And she regrets doing so and knowing that I overheard her saying something that she didn't mean and was hurtful. And when we discussed why she felt that she had to pretend that way to her friends, she admitted that she's been growing fed up of her friends calling her a 'Daddy's girl'.

And I can certainly understand why that would be frustrating to her, and I can see why she would've reacted in a way without giving it much thought (or thinking that I would unintentionally hear it) just to get her friends off of her back. She's a teen girl and I can see now why she would feel pressured to present herself in a certain way to her fellow peers

\- We also addressed my reaction to what I heard and the subsequent punishment that I gave her. On reflecting back, I know that I overreacted because I was hurt by her words. And I should've kept the punishment respective to only confiscating her phone or denying her streaming access for a while.

In retrospect, that is the correct way that I should've handled things. Cancelling our father/daughter time together though crossed a line that shouldn't of been crossed, and for that I apologised to her. That is a decision that I deeply regret making, and I am 100% at fault for that.

There are no excuses that can be made for what I did there, and my daughter is well within her rights to be angry/upset at me for denying her that priceless time that we get together.I value that time that I get to spend with my daughter.

I know that she also deeply values the time that we spend together, and that does go back to the fact that I am the only parent in her life. We still have a couple of things that we need to address together. And we will look to seek family counselling together if we both believe that it would be beneficial to getting a better understanding of each other.

ecause whilst my best friend/my daughter's godmother helped to make us both see our own faults (and she gave me a blunt reality check on just how much my daughter does love me), we know that we know that seeing a counsellor to get a professional opinion could be what we need to get that better understanding.

My daughter also wants me to seek counselling for the anxiety issues that has plagued me since my own childhood. As much as I thought that I was able to hide and shield her from seeing my own struggles, she has seen them, but she has never been sure of how to approach me on them.

(So a number of Redditors were right in saying that my attempts to shield her away from all of that has failed - and I am foolish to have thought that I could've hidden my struggles from the one person who sees me every day).

I last had counselling when I was younger and found at the time that it didn't help. But I am open and willing to give it another attempt, if it means that I don't allow my anxiety to doubt and subsequently hurt my daughter again.

So, yeah. We both can see where we made mistakes in how we handled dealing with an uncomfortable situation. And we both hold regrets on how we've behaved towards each other, intentionally and unintentionally (myself in particular, because I am the adult in our house and I dragged this on for a few weeks longer than I should've).

We want to move past this entire ordeal with a better understanding of each other, and how that neither of us are perfect and that we'll sometimes make mistakes and behave in a way or say something that we don't mean. We have 16 years worth of special memories together that makes those actions speak louder than words.

And whilst unintentional hurtful words might sometimes sting, that doesn't mean that we don't love each other as the father/daughter duo that have had each other's backs for the last 16 years. And once again, I want to finish this off by thanking those who did reach out to me in both the replies and by PM.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I came onto Reddit, but I decided to give it a chance if it meant that I could've received an outsider's perspective. And the constructive criticism that many of you gave truly did help me to get a better understanding of what my daughter was possibly going through in her own life and to see the bigger picture before going into the heart to heart conversation with my daughter.

Because, honestly, even though I've been doing this parenting for 16 years now. Every day can bring about a new learning experience, especially when I have to try and raise a teenage daughter as a single father. I wish that a manual existed for such an occasion!

And final side note. All of the text below that I have left untouched, will remain as an archive of the events that unfolded. Or whatever you would wish to call it?.... For context I am a single father (34M) to a teenage daughter (16F) and we're from Scotland. I've pretty much raised her myself ever since her Mother walked on the both of us when my daughter was still a toddler.

Her Mother wasn't fully committed to having a child due to how young we were at the time. However I knew that I wanted this baby girl in my life and I was determined to go through whatever hardships were thrown my way. Then the eventuality came, and her Mother left us and hasn't factored into our lives ever since.

Fast forward to the present day and I've developed a wonderful relationship with my daughter. She's the only person who has factored into my life for these past 16 years, and every decision that I've made, I've made for her. There has been challenges along the way, and some very difficult times.

But we've always managed to get through them, and I believe that I've done a good job in the role of both her father and her mother. She's very articulate, well behaved and polite. She is honestly the best daughter that I could've ever asked for. And we're incredibly close, too, due to it being just the two of us.

She has always been what they would call a 'Daddy's Girl'. All of my disposable income has always gone towards father/daughter days out together, buying her things whenever she has asked for them. Though always within reason and budget, and with conditions such as that she does well in school.

Everything seemed perfect, till recently. A few weeks ago, a few of her best friends were over for the weekend. My daughter and her friends have known each other since their infant school days (early elementary school for any US Redditors).

They must've assumed that I was too far out of earshot, because when my daughter's friends were talking about how envious they are of her, and how lucky she is for having a Dad who loves her and will do anything for her. The words that came out of my daughter's mouth felt like swords piercing my heart.

She started laughing, as she told her friends about how easy it is for her to behave like a loving daughter, so that she can get anything that she wants from me. My daughter and her friends then all laughed together and made further jokes about how easily she can manipulate me.

Hearing these words coming from the mouth of the one person who I've dedicated my life to has been the hardest anguish that I've ever felt, and it feels as though she has physically ripped my heart from my chest.

I have feelings of hurt, betrayal and humiliation from the one person who I never expected would put me through this. After her friends left, I sat down for dinner with my daughter and I asked her what she meant when she told her friends that she behaves like a loving daughter just so that she can get anything that she wants from me.

In that instant I saw the look in her face that reminded me of a deer in headlights. She initially didn't know what to say. But after a few moments, the look on her face turned to one of ashamed as she tried to apologise and tell me that she didn't mean any of the words that she said.

I don't believe that she is sorry or ashamed for her manipulation and lack of respect. I feel that she's only sorry about being caught. As punishment, I have taken away the luxuries that I have been spending on her. Such as subscription services to Netflix, Crunchyroll, etc.

I've replaced her contract phone with a simple phone that is 'Pay As You Go' (so that she can still contact people in an emergency), and I've also cancelled bookings for upcoming father/daughter days that I had planned with her. Barring the basic necessities that I need to provide for her as her Father.

Such as food, clothing, a roof over her head, money for transportation to school and money for school supplies. My daughter feels that I am being incredibly unfair towards her and she has told me that this will permanently damage our relationship together.

Which of course I do fear it could cause an irreparable damage to our relationship and that I will ultimately lose the one remaining person that I have left. However I feel as though this is a fair punishment. She has taken advantage of my love for her and manipulated me to get everything that she wants.

Whilst also disrespecting me by laughing about how easy I am for getting everything that she wants. I do apologise for what seems to be a rambling. And I promise that this isn't AI created, nor for karma farming. I am just looking for opinions from those out of my immediate circle.

Because this entire ordeal has scrambled my entire head and has left my heart torn in two by the one person who I never thought would break it. Thank you for listening to this incredibly long rant. It is slightly healing getting all of this off of my chest, tbh..

Edit: Update. Thank you to everyone so far for your responses, I do appreciate all of them, and that includes both the NTA and YTA responses. I feel that both are needed to try and help me get my head around this entire situation. I will try and respond to as many replies as I can, but I do appreciate everyone who has taken time out of their day to post their own thoughts on the matter..

Just a few clarifications and minor bits of information that I left out in my original post. Whilst she certainly did say at first that my punishments would damage our relationship long term. She has since backtracked on that and has apologised, saying that she honestly didn't mean that and that she only said it out of anger at the time.

She does seem to be genuinely upset and deeply regrets saying that. She's also up for counselling so that we can come to an understanding, and my best friend (and my daughter's Godmother) has offered to mediate between the both of us. Because we all want to get this sorted,

and I genuinely want to believe what my daughter is saying is true, and that she regrets saying something that she didn't mean.. But I still feel that it will take a while to heal those wounds caused by her words. Once again, thank you everyone for taking your time to respond to something that has really be wrecking my mind..

Update 2: Except for a few comments about the mother, I am genuinely appreciative of the comments that have agreed and disagreed with my actions. I am glad that I decided to take this to Reddit so that I could get an outsider's perspective. I did this for two reasons.

Firstly, I didn't want a biased opinion from family or friends (who'll either agree with my daughter or myself). And Secondly, I don't wish to run the risk of family thinking badly about my daughter. Even in all of this, I love her and I want to protect her from the risk of judgement by family.

I've been reading through the comments, getting all your opinions and experiences, and I am going to take a while to go over my mind on what I want to say to my daughter tomorrow when we talk about what has happened. I want to go into this all with as clear a head a possible and understand where I am at fault myself.

And I 100% agree with those who have said that I am at fault for a number of my own mistakes and behaviour. I deeply regret cancelling the father/daughter events that we had planned together. She has already lost one parent, and it is wrong of me to deny her time with her one remaining parent.

That was incredibly wrong of me, and I do intend on apologising to her tomorrow for that. That is my own fault, and I will own up to it. Finally, looking back on what I included in my original post. A lot of how I've perceived the entire situation has most likely come from me being blinded by my own emotions.

But I won't edit it out, as I feel that I need to remain open in what I have already shared. And that's including if it's stuff that I shouldn't of shared and regret doing so (Example, I regret saying that she is most likely only sorry because she has been caught. I shouldn't of said that)..

Update:. Okay, I feel as though that I need to clarify a number of points that have been brought up. \- I haven't emotionally manipulated her into a situation where she feels like can't eventually move out of our home. That actually couldn't be further from the truth.

We have been discussing her future plans, such as university and her career goals. I am fully supportive of her future life goals, and there is nothing that would make me prouder than watching her eventually go down her own chosen path in adulthood.

Her future dreams matter to me, and her accomplishments make me proud of the amazing young person that she is growing to be. Her home life is also very good. She is very active in sport and has a social life with her friends.

As long as she is home by a reasonable time, she is allowed to spend her free time how she chooses. And during that time, I will spend my free time with either my best friend, or spending time with the local ice hockey club that I play for.

\- I didn't really want to address my future plans for a 'love life'. Because that wasn't supposed to be the focus on my post, but as some have decided to bring it up and how they feel that my daughter is worried that she won't one day be able to leave the house, because I will be depending on her?

I am fully aware of the fact that once she goes off to uni, I will be 36 and still young enough to find a lifelong partner. That is something that I want for myself in the future, But for now my one focus is ensuring that my daughter gets through her remaining days at school and then college.

Though if a partner does come along in the meantime, and that partner is comfortable about being in a relationship with a single father, than that would be amazing! My daughter knows this, and besides from jokingly saying

So I hope that we can get over thinking that my daughter is suffocating in her home life. Because that couldn't be further from the truth. Yes she is the only person in my life right now. But that doesn't mean that she's being denied a life of her own.

Parenting demands a constant balancing act between guidance and empathy, especially when unexpected hurts lead to reactive decisions. In this situation, the father’s choice to strip away certain privileges and cancel cherished one-on-one activities reflects a deep sense of betrayal and hurt. His reaction, while born from genuine emotional pain, underscores the challenge of discipline when both parties are wounded.

Disciplinary measures, when too severe, risk widening an already fragile emotional gap. Research in family dynamics consistently shows that overly harsh punishments can deteriorate trust and communication between a parent and child. In cases like these, where historical grievances and emotional scars already complicate the relationship, the risk of long-term damage is significant if the response is not carefully measured.

Renowned parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham once noted, “Discipline rooted in love is about teaching, not punishing; it’s guiding children to understand how their actions affect others rather than instilling fear or resentment.” Her words suggest that effective discipline should foster learning and growth, not just instill consequences. By reflecting on her advice, it becomes clear that the father’s reaction might have veered into the realm of punitive rather than instructive, which could further alienate his daughter.

Ultimately, this situation highlights the importance of introspection and open dialogue in healing emotional wounds. Both the father and daughter stand to benefit from professional guidance that emphasizes empathy and mutual understanding. As they work through their conflict, embracing a balanced approach to discipline—one that prioritizes teaching and healing—can help restore trust and strengthen their bond over time.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The general consensus among readers is that, while the daughter’s hurtful words were inexcusable, the father’s extreme disciplinary measures—particularly the cancellation of their special father–daughter time—have only deepened the emotional divide.

Community members widely agree that both parties bear responsibility in navigating such complexities. They stress the importance of open communication and professional guidance to move beyond the conflict, highlighting that effective parenting must balance firmness with empathetic support.

Jmhotioli1234 − I think you and your daughter would benefit from some family counseling. Tell her how hurt you were and that you want to go to counseling with her to work through it. If she willing agrees to counseling, you’ll know she does care. But you have to be open and honest with your feelings. She needs to see how much pain she caused you. 

Prize_Maximum_8815 − Parenting is tough. Sometimes, there are no right answers. Looking back, I feel my kids might have benefitted both from more strictness and more understanding.

I would say you should try to treat this as a learning moment for both of you. Letting her gradually earn your trust back as you try to understand her behavior may help grow your relationship. Good luck!

ToyrewaDokoDeska − She's 16 brother, I think she was probably just trying to sound cool to her friends.

Impossible_Apple7822 − Sounds like she was just trying to sound edgy to her mates, hope you can both sort it through

Alternative_Wolf_643 − I think you’re too dependant on your daughter. This is totally normal teenage behaviour and you’re acting as if your *wife* said something bad behind your back.

I think the fact that she has been THE ONLY PERSON in your life for so long has been incredibly damaging to you and it could be damaging to her as well to have a father so dependant on her. She can’t be responsible for your feelings, and she needs room to make normal teenage mistakes.. She is a teenager, not your life partner. Give her some room.

beepbeepitsthejeep − My concern is really not the punishment, but the way you’re making it out to be that she doesn’t actually love you. She does. It’s obvious she does. Kids usually love good parents. Your teenager is far less likely to be some master manipulator, pulling out crocodile tears, and is probably genuinely sobbing and begging you to believe her.

That is dangerously close and might be already, her begging you to still love HER. THAT is going to damage your relationship. What she said was beyond hurtful, said to impress her friends and seem edgy, but you doubt she has EVER meant a WORD of affection towards you now? As her parent? As THE adult in her life?

I feel like you need to individually delve deeper into that insecurity, because seemingly doubting she’s loved you is not a healthy outlook. Nor is telling her, apparently, that you feel like she doesn’t love you, since she’s crying repeatedly and begging you to believe that she does.

She needs to know words have consequences, but dude, make sure she knows you still love her and that you know she loves you, because the idea that she doesn’t after a s**tty comment is ridiculous.

If you can’t honestly believe that, I think counseling would be good, because holy God, would that traumatize a kid, believing you no longer love her and that you doubt her love for you as anything other than literal manipulation. Especially a kid with issues with abandonment already.

deathboyuk − Mate. Teenagers are dicks sometimes.. They say things to sound cool that aren't true. They make mistakes and learn.. I've been in a similar place, and am also very close with my kid.. Which is more likely?. a) She's played you like a fiddle your whole life, with you oblivious for the entire time..

b) She said a mean lie to come off cool to a mate, thinking you'd never hear.. Absolutely right to punish her BUT don't kill the time spent together.. You can't let that relationship drop.. You're the grownup, dust yourself off and get to rebuilding. It's our job.. NTA.

theworldisonfire8377 − NTA, teenagers need to learn that there are consequences to their words and actions. You said that she's been crying and saying that she does love you - I'm curious what her excuse was for what she said?

Some teens want to show off or say edgy things trying to be cool in front of their peers, and I'm wondering if that's what this was. Whatever her reasoning was, it was wrong, and she should be held accountable for what she's said. Talk to her when you are both calm and can communicate properly.

Tell her she needs to earn your trust back, and that all the luxuries she enjoyed were as a result of your hard work and wanting to provide her with a nice life, but that if she can't appreciate you, then she doesn't get to enjoy those luxuries,

and she gets to see what it's actually like to have a parent who doesn't bend over backwards to provide those extras. It's a hard life lesson, but she is the one who put herself in this scenario by her careless words, and now she gets to experience the reality of what she said.

ApprehensivePause115 − PLEASE READ THIS ON YOUR UPDATE.. Read your update - PLEASE DON'T USE A FAMILY FRIEND FOR COUNSELLING, It may seem like a good idea because it's a mutual friend who understands and loves you both but it more often than not is not a good idea because they will have their own prejudice

and opinions even if out of love and cannot act as a truly neutral party, also it's getting others involved in your personal life in an intimate and potentially inappropriate way. Outsource your counsellor, do a trial session, if you both like them book them again.

if one of you doesn't it's okay just try a new counsellor and keep going til you get one where you both feel heard and listened to Let the counsellor help you guys work it out and then step out of your life picture to let you live your life.. THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT I BEG

BgPAT − Are you really sure, this wasn't only to

In closing, this final update reflects a journey marked by remorse, hard lessons, and the hope for reconciliation. The father’s openness in admitting his overreaction and his willingness to seek counseling suggest that even deep wounds can begin to heal.

What would you do if confronted with a similar situation in your family? How do you balance the need for discipline with the risk of damaging cherished bonds? Share your insights and experiences below to help start a broader conversation on navigating the complexities of modern parenting.

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