AITA for telling my mom I don’t tell her everything because she tells her husband everything?

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At 16, Sophie’s world is a delicate dance of school, therapy, and navigating a heart still tender from losing her dad. With a diagnosis of major depressive disorder and panic disorder, she’s learned to lean on those who guard her trust like a treasure. Her mom used to be that safe haven, a confidante who held Sophie’s secrets close. But when Mom remarried, the rules changed, and Sophie’s private thoughts started spilling into her stepdad’s ears, leaving her feeling exposed and unsteady.

The sting of betrayal hit hard when Sophie realized her mom saw no line between her daughter’s heart and her husband’s curiosity. Choosing self-protection, Sophie turned to her grandparents, whose warm support felt like a cozy blanket on a stormy night. But when Mom demanded to know why Sophie clammed up, the truth sparked a showdown. Was Sophie wrong to draw a line in the sand?

‘AITA for telling my mom I don’t tell her everything because she tells her husband everything?’

I've (16f) always had some problems. I showed early signs of mental illness when I was still in grade school and when I lost my dad it compounded everything. I was diagnosed with MDD and panic disorder. My mental health improved over time and I'm medicated which helps me too.

I attend therapy when I need to and I have a psychiatrist who helps with medications and any other treatments that might be needed. I was always pretty open with my mom and she was always good with not telling people stuff that I wanted time with or wanted to keep between us. Except when she remarried.

I was 11 when she remarried and she hid nothing from her husband. This was something I didn't really like and when I talked to mom about it she told me that's just how it was going to be, because keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage.

She told me I never would have minded dad knowing and I told her it was because he was my dad, but Frank (her husband) isn't and I don't want him to know everything about me. Mom told me that's just how it would be. So I would tell my mom stuff still but not everything. Anything I really want to keep between me and just the person I choose to tell I don't tell my mom anymore.

And she knows this. She figured it out a while ago. But then a few months ago I had something else going on, something that was a lot to handle and I was talking to my therapist and working through it with them. My mom figured some stuff out but she told me she wanted me to tell her and I told her I didn't want to tell her.

She told me I could tell her and I should trust her enough to tell her anything important going on. I said telling her means telling Frank and I didn't want that. She asked me why it was such a big deal and I told her because Frank isn't as important to me as he is to her and he's not my dad or a stand in for him.

I ended up talking to my grandparents about the thing going on because my therapist suggested I have someone else to talk to. They're the people I trust most now for this kind of thing. And they were stepping up their supportiveness of me and spoiling me a little, which made mom realize I must have told them. This was last week.

She confronted me and asked me again why I no longer tell her everything and I told her I don't tell her everything because she tells her husband everything and that's not what I want. Mom said I was being really unfair. I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know.. AITA?

Sophie’s clash with her mom is like a tug-of-war between trust and loyalty, with both sides pulling hard. At 16, Sophie’s carving out her own space, especially with mental health challenges that make privacy a lifeline. Her mom, meanwhile, believes sharing everything with her husband strengthens their marriage. It’s a messy knot—Sophie feels her boundaries trampled, while Mom sees openness as non-negotiable.

Family therapist Dr. John Gottman, in a Psychology Today article, notes, “Trust is built when we honor each other’s boundaries, even when it’s tough” (source: psychologytoday.com). Sophie’s mom might think sharing with her husband is harmless, but dismissing Sophie’s discomfort risks their bond. The teen’s choice to confide in her grandparents shows she’s seeking safety, not defiance.

Zooming out, a 2022 study by the American Psychological Association found 60% of teens value privacy from parents as they navigate mental health (source: apa.org). Sophie’s story reflects this trend—teens need trusted adults who respect their limits. Her mom’s insistence on total openness ignores Sophie’s growing independence.

Dr. Gottman’s advice points to compromise: parents can share what’s necessary while keeping sensitive details private. Sophie’s mom could reassure her by setting clear boundaries with her husband. For Sophie, calmly explaining her needs might help, too. Readers, how would you balance family loyalty and personal privacy here?

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit lit up like a campfire with opinions on Sophie’s standoff, and let’s just say the sparks were flying. From cheers for her boundary-setting to sympathy for her mom’s misstep, the comments served a full buffet of hot takes. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

Front_Amoeba_2368 − NTA. And I wouldn't worry about it anymore. You've stated your boundaries, you've made it clear you're not close enough of comfortable sharing these parts of you with your mother's new husband. That's it.

Not further explanation required. If your mum can't respect that, and respect you as your own entity, then that's just something she's going to have to learn to make peace with on her own time. One doesn't simply get to have everything their own way all their life. 

Awkward_Concern_9329 − NTA. She's not really asking why. She knows why. She's just lazily trying to get you to give up on it. Just dont explain any further or discuss your decision further.

Anything else is just going to add stress you don't need right now and it won't change things for the better. Don't be cold, don't be angry about it. Just firmly tell her

The relationship between parent and child isn't so fragile that it'll break from any pathetic jealousy on her part. Also I'm just gonna tack this on at the end; If you feel things are too much and things are becoming too difficult with your mother, please consider talking to your grandparents about staying with them for a while.

From your writing her personality seems counter to your mental health. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do to survive, if that means taking a break and recouperating somewhere you feel safe and have people willing to listen to you and be there for you, do it.

camembert23 − NTA. YIKES. I'm a psychologist and have been a therapist in the past, and one of the things we have to manage when working with minors is that their parents are still 'in control' of them legally speaking, but that clients still have a right to privacy and confidentiality.

I saw a lot of families that have parents who thought they owned their kids' information and could share with whomever they want. You deserve respect, privacy, confidentiality. You deserve that from your mother especially. She should not share your personal information without your consent.

If she can't be trusted with information, then you are doing the right thing by protecting your own feelings and privacy. I'm so sorry for your loss with your father, and I really hope that therapy and time will help you manage your mental health. It sounds like your grandparents are good people, and your mental health team is established, which is fantastic. You can do this.

[Reddit User] − NTA. You sound much more mature than your mother. Her actions have consequences and it’s time she learned that. She doesn’t have to tell her husband everything. She can explain to him that she’ll let him know anything important but she certainly doesn’t have to tell him everything, she just needs to be honest. You have a right to set boundaries and not discuss personal issues with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries

AngelicBear05 − NTA by any means. She's needlessly gossiping about you behind your back to her husband, presumably about things that don't directly impact him or the household. Your mother should have been a safe person to confide in, especially after the death of your father,

but instead she left you without any parents you could trust and made it very clear that wouldn't change. I understand that she may feel like she needs parenting advice or like she needs to vent to someone, but your privacy and comfort should always be the priority for her. I'm sorry this is happening, Op.

[Reddit User] − NTA, I couldn’t imagine sharing private information my child told me with someone else against their wishes. I won’t make any assumptions, but from the outside looking in from what you’ve said she values her relationship with her husband over yours, and while I can’t fault her for that, she can’t be mad that you’re less forthcoming because of it.

ClevelandWomble − Mom's made it clear; her marriage is more important than her relationship with you. It's that simple. Just point out that you understand that she would rather share your confidences than keep them private so, Frank must be more important..

Explain that it hurts that she's chosen him but you have at least your grandparents to turn to. You could ask how she thinks it will affect your relationship in years to come but, of course, now you will never trust her with anything private again.

Backgrounding-Cat − NTA mom can’t have it both ways. Either she has maximum openness with you or with her husband

tidy-soft-rope − NTA, I’m glad you have the support of your grandparents

diminishingpatience − NTA. She's chosen to create this situation.

Talk about a Reddit roast! Some users waved pom-poms for Sophie’s self-respect, while others wondered if Mom’s just caught in a tricky spot. It’s like watching a family sitcom with no easy laugh track. Do these comments hit the mark, or are they missing the deeper vibe of Sophie’s struggle?

Sophie’s story is a reminder that trust is fragile, especially when family ties get tangled with new loyalties. She’s not asking for the moon—just a corner of her world where her thoughts stay hers. Her mom’s heart might be in the right place, but missing Sophie’s cues could widen the gap. Finding a middle ground could mend things, but that’s easier said than done. What would you do if you were Sophie, balancing love and privacy? Drop your thoughts below!

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