AITA for not caring about my roommate’s illness and expecting her to be more tidy?

Jonathan Hours
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The faint whiff of spoiled food greeted her as she kicked off her sneakers, another long day of uni lectures behind her. Sharing an apartment with her roommate was supposed to be a rite of passage—late-night chats, shared snacks—but instead, it’s a battlefield of dirty dishes and unflushed toilets. At first, she nodded along when the roommate’s mom warned about her daughter’s illness, promising patience. But eight months in, patience is thinner than the couch fabric stained with last week’s curry.

This isn’t just about a messy sink—it’s about fairness and growing up. Her roommate’s bladder and digestive issues don’t seem to explain the chaos, and playing maid isn’t in her lease. Readers might smell her frustration: living together tests bonds, but when does empathy end and accountability begin? As tensions simmer, she’s wondering if she’s heartless or just fed up.

‘AITA for not caring about my roommate’s illness and expecting her to be more tidy?’

I have lived with my roommate for over 8months now, her lowkey helicopter mother told me beforehand that because of her illness(bladder/ digestive problems) she let her be a little spoiled and would just cleaned up after her and asked for me to be patient with her lack of cleanliness and to wake her up everyday?

now that i think abt it idk why i agreed but i was like

she also had a weird habit of throwing food down the sink and ot starts smelling real bad if i wait for her to clean it up. She would also have terrible table manners and would leave food directly on the couch and stain it then leave it as it is, which was pretty darn difficult to get off since the couch was made of fabric. 

But whenever i point it out, at first she says she'll stop but the next day i find her doing the same thing. Now my own parents were aware of all that and at first they were also pissed, but lately they've been telling me that my roommate was just very ill and i should be patient but honestly i don't care i don't think being ill justifies her making a mess around and me having to be patient, waking her up everyday and still cleaning up after her?

Btw, for context we're both uni students but she barely attends any classes so im ngl after coming back from my classes to a mess and weird odors, its not the best feeling out there but i might be overreacting.. AITA?

Shared apartments can feel like a sitcom gone wrong when chores pile up. The student’s irritation isn’t cold-hearted—it’s a cry for mutual respect. Her roommate’s illness might slow her down, but leaving food on the couch or skipping basic hygiene like flushing points to habit, not just health. The mom’s pre-move warning set a trap, framing messiness as a medical pass, which the student’s now unraveling.

This mirrors a wider issue: cohabitation clashes among young adults. A 2023 study by the American Psychological Association found 70% of college roommates argue over cleanliness, often tied to unclear expectations (apa.org). Illness adds complexity, but it’s no free ticket to slack.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner says, “Boundaries aren’t punishment—they’re how we teach others to respect us” (harrietlerner.com). Here, the roommate’s failure to follow through on promises to tidy up ignores that lesson. Lerner’s view suggests illness doesn’t erase accountability—basic tasks like flushing are within most capabilities.

For solutions, a frank chat could reset the vibe. The student might propose a chore chart, offering to split tasks fairly while acknowledging health limits. If mess persists, Lerner advises escalating—talk to uni housing or seek a new place. Readers, how do you handle a messy roommate? Spill your tips below.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s squad rolled up with pitchforks and paper towels, ready to scrub this drama clean. Here’s their take: These comments are Reddit at its messiest—part rant, part rally cry. But do they mop up the real issue, or just splash around?

Anonymous_Sad_Person − NTA When does that lease end? Find a new roommate, it isn't reasonable for your roommate and her mother to expect you to be a nurse/maid. If roommate cant care for herself, she should probably move back in with her mother. Though it sounds like her mother is trying to pawn her off on you.

Either way, it's f**king weird and not your problem Editing to add that being ill sucks, but it's still ultimately her responsibility to work something out with whoever she's living with, not your responsibility to just do it. I can't tell if she's weaponizing her illness or if she genuinely needs help, but she should be working with you to determine the fairest way to distribute chores.

TeenySod − NTA. You're not her parent substitute. Move out ASAP. If she's smart enough to attend university, she's smart enough to learn to take care of herself and her environment. I've been death's door ill and still ALWAYS flushed the toilet. This is weaponised incompetence, not illness. She's not living in a hotel.

I am assuming that she doesn't need care support in terms of being 'too ill/disabled' to manage reasonable adult functions as her mother has confessed to her being

Back of bathroom door:

Mrs_Weaver − Nobody is too sick to flush the toilet. Her mother didn't just spoil her. She ruined her. If she ever even gets a job, how is she going to cope with coworkers who will not be interested in babying this overgrown child?

jx1854 − NTA. If she truly couldn't do those things due to her illness (and refused to use adaptive supports), she needs to not be in student housing. This is not on you to fix. Her parents have failed her horrendously.

NewWayHom − NTA. It would be one thing if she left dishes in the sink on a bad day or something, but it sounds like she’s actively making messes that are completely avoidable. And for crying out loud she can flush the toilet. Are you in a dorm situation where you can request a new roommate? I think it would be valid. You shouldn’t have to live this way.

Brilliant_Style6105 − NTA, having an illness doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to be an adult

SavingsRhubarb8746 − NTA, and her mother's request to you was both out of line and a dire warning as to the type of roommate this person was going to be. I am no doctor, but I don't see why bladder or digestive problems excuse dropping food on the sofa and staining it or leaving rotting food lying around (in the sink or anywhere else; it's a miracle she hasn't clogged the drain).

If she IS so disabled as to be unable to live independently, she needs a different living situation with the appropriate supports provided by someone else, not by her roommate. She's a classic example of a sloppy and idle roommate, and you should move on as soon as you can manage it - or, if you're the one on the lease, she needs to be told to leave (after whatever notice is required where you live to do this legally, of course).

Usual_Equivalent_888 − NTA!. I am chronically I’ll and flushing the toilet is a given. This mom FAILED this girl so hard it’s sad. Now she’s passing her off on you. Tell her to get a damn alarm clock or put an alarm on her phone and show her some YT vids on how to clean. If my 10 yr old can do it, IF I CAN DO IT with digestive/bladder/heart/back/knee/bone/joint/etc issues in my 40’s this chick can do it!!. Disgusting!

No_Philosopher_3308 − I’d personally call Adult Protective Services and explain the situation and let them know you can’t continue to look after her and ask if they can step in to get her the help she needs. It’s not your responsibility.

I’d also ask uni if you can be put in another room as the environment isn’t good for your health and you can’t continue to be her caregiver as you need to focus on your own studies and own life. It’s not fair that you were put into that situation. She may need supportive living or a support worker to help her

ElwoodBrew − NTA I’d get in touch with the mother and tell her that you’ve got an extremely busy schedule and you don’t have the time to clean up after their child, and that they need to provide at least a weekly cleaning service. I’d also tell your roommate that you understand she’s ill but she HAS to pick up and dispose of her food and flush the toilet. Basic hygiene is not an unreasonable request. If she can’t handle that she should not be in school.

This roommate saga dishes out a steaming plate of frustration and fairness. Is she wrong to shrug off her roommate’s illness, or is she just done playing janitor? The mess—literal and not—shows life’s tough when empathy butts heads with accountability. As she eyes the lease’s end, she’s learning home is where respect lives, not just dirty dishes. What would you do with a roommate who won’t clean up? Toss your thoughts below—let’s sweep through this one.

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