AITA for considering ending a 6 year relationship because my fiancée cancelled our plans?

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Six years is a significant chapter in anyone’s life, especially when it’s shared with a partner you envision spending your future with. For one woman, that long-term commitment is now hanging in the balance, not because of a dramatic betrayal, but due to a series of what seem like dismissive cancellations and a concerning shift in her fiancée’s behavior. The joy of an engagement has been overshadowed by feelings of being unprioritized and a growing fear about the future of their relationship, particularly when it comes to potential family life.

When planned events are casually discarded and a partner becomes withdrawn and irritable, it can feel like the very foundation of the relationship is cracking. This Reddit post delves into the emotional turmoil of a woman grappling with the possibility that the person she intended to marry may no longer be as invested in their shared life, leading her to contemplate the painful decision of whether to walk away from a long-term love.

‘AITA for considering ending a 6 year relationship because my fiancée cancelled our plans?’

I (28F) and my fiancée (26F) had a disagreement the other day. For Christmas we got 4 tickets to a standup show, so we invited 2 of our friends to come along, made plans and booked a restaurant before the show. It is now less than 2 weeks until the show and my fiancée told me that she can no longer go since she’s playing a football match that evening.

I got upset since it is so close to the date and I don’t really have other friends that go well with the once we invited.. I said it felt like she wasn’t prioritising me as this had been planned for 4 months. She got angry at me for being upset and said I didn’t understand and then started saying some hurtful things. I decided to let it go.

Yesterday we had dinner at her parents house and I asked her about an upcoming event for my work (also less than a month away). She told me that she wasn’t going to go to that, as her cousin had invited her to see their new baby and spend the night. I again got upset and told her she had already said she was going to go and that I had asked to add her to the invitation list.

She said that she couldn’t go another day ti her cousins as she had work and made it out as I was making a big deal out of it. When I kept arguing said it might make me look bad at work with such short notice she said something along the lines of “fine I guess I just won’t go see my cousin then”.

I am feeling really defeated and she has been cranky with me since, I just feel like it is childish that she won’t just talk to me. What really broke the camels back was how she as been short and snappy with me AND the 4 year old boy we foster for a weekend a month, she locked herself away as I gave him a bath, we watched a movie and did bedtime.

I feel like if she can act like this not only to me, but also ignore a young child, what does that mean for possible children in our future? Please give me some advice I’m not sure what to do. I have asked her to talk to a professional but she doesn’t want to.. Am I the a**hole for considering ending this relationship?

The situation described by the OP is a classic example of a relationship struggling with communication, prioritization, and potentially deeper underlying issues. The fiancée’s repeated cancellations of important plans, especially those made well in advance, signal a potential lack of respect for the OP’s time, feelings, and the significance of these events in their shared life. The fact that the fiancée became angry when the OP expressed her hurt feelings further exacerbates the problem, shutting down communication and preventing a healthy resolution.

The fiancée’s behavior towards the foster child is particularly concerning. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes in his research, the way partners treat vulnerable individuals, such as children, is a strong indicator of their overall character and empathy. The fiancée’s withdrawal and short temper around the foster child raise valid questions about her potential behavior with future children and highlight a lack of emotional maturity and consideration for others’ needs.

The OP’s attempts to communicate her feelings and her suggestion of seeking professional help are positive steps, but the fiancée’s resistance to these efforts suggests a lack of willingness to address the issues in the relationship. This unwillingness to engage in open communication and seek solutions can be a major obstacle to resolving conflict and rebuilding trust.

The fiancée’s defensiveness and attempts to frame the OP’s concerns as “making a big deal out of it” are also problematic. This dismissive behavior invalidates the OP’s feelings and prevents a genuine understanding of her perspective. As Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and author on vulnerability and relationships, states, “Healthy relationships thrive on empathy and compassion.” The fiancée’s current behavior seems to lack both.

Given the consistent pattern of cancelled plans, dismissive behavior, and the concerning interaction with the foster child, the OP’s consideration of ending the relationship is understandable. While six years is a significant investment, staying in a relationship where one feels consistently unprioritized and disrespected can lead to further emotional distress and unhappiness.

The OP needs to seriously evaluate whether her fiancée is willing to acknowledge and address these issues, or if the current pattern is likely to continue, potentially impacting her future well-being and any future family they might consider.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit community has overwhelmingly sided with the OP, with a resounding “NTA” (Not the A**hole) verdict. Many commenters expressed concern over the fiancée’s behavior, labeling it as selfish, disrespectful, and indicative of a lack of prioritization for the relationship. Several users pointed out the red flags raised by the fiancée’s actions, particularly her dismissiveness towards the OP’s feelings and her behavior towards the foster child.

Some even suggested the fiancée might have emotionally checked out of the relationship or could be seeing someone else. The general consensus is that the OP’s feelings are valid, and considering ending the relationship is a reasonable response to the fiancée’s actions and lack of communication.

Competitive-Week-935 − NTA-you already know what you need to do. If she is going to treat an innocent child that way why would you want to be with her.

GPT4_ − NTA. It seems like you're being very reasonable here. In a relationship, good communication and understanding are key, and it appears that your fiancée is not showing you the respect or consideration you deserve. Cancelling plans last minute and not taking into account your feelings is not a fair way to treat a partner.

It's not just about the cancelled plans, but her overall attitude and lack of communication that seems to be the issue. You're in a long-term commitment and it's important to feel heard and valued in such a relationship. Her behavior towards the foster child is also concerning. This could indeed be indicative of how she might behave around potential future children.

It's a tough situation to be in, but remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. If you've tried communicating and she's unwilling to change or seek professional help, then it might be best for you to reconsider the relationship. Remember, it's not just about the relationship's duration but also about its quality. It's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You're not wrong for considering your future happiness.

Difficult-Bus-6026 − NTA. If your gf has been good to you for most of the past 6 years and has only recently started to be inconsiderate, try to have a serious conversation with her and ask her if she wants to break up. If she says no, this should lead to a conversation where you can tell her how you feel and why and she can explain why she's been acting different toward you lately. If, OTOH, she says that she does want to break up, that will be the end of that and you can both move on.

Old-Willingness3622 − Leave her she is selfish only cares about herself find someone better

Cannabis_CatSlave − NTA. Good you are not falling for the sunk cost fallacy. She is showing you repeatedly that you are not a priority in her life and that she is willing to punish other people to hurt you.. Better luck next time OP.

AlpineLad1965 − She is done with the relationship and has mentally moved on.

DetroitSmash-8701 − NTA. Give her space...a lifetime's worth of it.

countryboy1101 − Very sorry that you are in this situation but what jumps out to me is she is seeing someone else and does not want to spend any more time with you than she has to. Hope I am wrong but when I read what you wrote and the words you used it was the only thing that made sense to me for her change of behavior.

FatChance68 − NTA she is not prioritizing your relationship at all. You should never have to beg a partner to give you basic consideration. 

New_Finance_4773 − Dude she aint feeling you, shes seeing somebody else. Cut your ties and be glad your not married 🤷🏾‍♂️

This Reddit post presents a heartbreaking scenario where a long-term relationship is threatened by a pattern of cancelled plans, poor communication, and a potential lack of empathy. The fiancée’s behavior raises serious concerns about her commitment to the relationship and her consideration for the OP’s feelings.

When faced with a partner who consistently prioritizes other commitments and dismisses your concerns, how do you determine if the relationship is salvageable? What are the crucial signs that indicate it might be time to consider ending a long-term partnership, despite the years invested? Share your advice and insights on navigating such difficult relationship crossroads.

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